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The Dance
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Dance |
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WAHMOM2 New Member
since 2000-02-15
Posts 3 |
Dangle that carrot you know I desire You showed me our castle the stones on the lake I'll pamper you like a queen - Sleeping on satin, I'll dress you in lace It's all out of reach till you fix your mistake Torture me gently-I'm up for the trip Torture me sweetly --- We'll dance to my song Torture me gently - tasted my tears Torture me sweetly -- The truth's in your eyes Visited a friend whose lover was lost Found love at last she said in her sweet baby's eyes It was always there just hidden in disguise Too late now he got called home See your circle plans can't you see they're wasting our time Looking for my soul mate bond the half that completes Your love it is cruel comfort - makes wrenching gut pain Torture me gently-I'm up for the trip Torture me sweetly --- We'll dance to my song Torture me gently - tasted my tears Torture me sweetly -- The truth's in your eyes I see that gold band and your agenda is clear You pray to the God for the answer you know I'm naïve to your ways but I've learned the lesson fast I'm edgy and raw but my mind has been made The sand has run out on your hour glass quite tragic The veil has been lifted and so has your magic Torture me gently-I'm up for the trip Torture me sweetly --- We'll dance to my song Torture me gently - tasted my tears Torture me sweetly -- The truth's in your eyes Torture me gently-I'm up for the trip Torture me sweetly --- We'll dance to my song Torture me gently - tasted my tears Torture me sweetly -- The truth's in your eyes |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
1. I really want to hear the music on this one. 2. The content is evocative and persuasive, but I keep getting thrown off by the complete irregularity of the lines. They're not IRregular enough to be free, too irregular for a song (as I read them.) And I really think you may have missed posting a bit in the first verse, is that possible? 3. I wonder if two more adjectives to replace the second "gently" and "sweetly" in the *chorus* might make this even neater. Anyway, I wish I knew what music is in your head when you yourself run through this, then I could judge better. [This message has been edited by Ted Reynolds (edited 02-15-2000).] |
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carolyn smale Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 20australia |
torture me over and over and over again. too many bloody tortures. 1.Dangle that carrot you know I desire 2.You showed me our castle the stones on the lake 3.I'll pamper you like a queen - Sleeping on satin, I'll dress you in lace 4.It's all out of reach till you fix your mistake 1. carrot isn't a very romantic word, nor is it a very original image for temptation. 2. need a comma "castle, stones". the stones image didn't mean much. 3. don't need a capital on "sleeping". Satin and lace are a bit hackneyed as an image for luxary. fullstop after "lace." 4. what mistake? Torture me gently-I'm up for the trip Torture me sweetly --- We'll dance to my song Torture me gently - tasted my tears Torture me sweetly -- The truth's in your eyes a chorus? why? ditch it. 1.Visited a friend whose lover was lost 2.Found love at last she said in her sweet baby's eyes 3.It was always there just hidden in disguise 4.Too late now he got called home 5.See your circle plans can't you see they're wasting our time 6.Looking for my soul mate bond the half that completes 7.Your love it is cruel comfort - makes wrenching gut pain i found it a bit hard to see the connection between this verse, the first and all the tortures. 2&3. why have you started rhyming? "sweet baby's eyes" has been said in about a 1000 pop songs. 4. got is a bad word. 5. ?? 6. awful sentimental cliched drivel. 7. too awful Torture me gently-I'm up for the trip Torture me sweetly --- We'll dance to my song Torture me gently - tasted my tears Torture me sweetly -- The truth's in your eyes ditto 1.I see that gold band and your agenda is clear 2.You pray to the God for the answer you know 3.I'm naïve to your ways but I've learned the lesson fast 4.I'm edgy and raw but my mind has been made 5.The sand has run out on your hour glass quite tragic 6.The veil has been lifted and so has your magic 2. what god with a capital? 3. are you naive or learned? 5. quite a tragic line 6. ditto Torture me gently-I'm up for the trip Torture me sweetly --- We'll dance to my song Torture me gently - tasted my tears Torture me sweetly -- The truth's in your eyes Torture me gently-I'm up for the trip Torture me sweetly --- We'll dance to my song Torture me gently - tasted my tears Torture me sweetly -- The truth's in your eyes and we end on double torture!! this was appalling. i see nothing worth keeping. please give up the rhymes, certainly give up the repetitions. try to say what you mean in a less "trying for poetry" way. thanks, carolyn. |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello WAH, Welcome to CA. I'd just like to take the opportunity to say that my critique is not based on who you are but on your poem. The opinions I write are on what I think of your poem and not what I think of you. The goal of CA is to help everyone here improve as writers/poets through discussion of both poetry and critiquing. With that said I will move on to analysing your poem. If it was a song I'd like to hear it but as a poem I agree with Carolyn for the most part and that the chorus parts should be dropped. "Dangle that carrot you know I desire You showed me our castle the stones on the lake I'll pamper you like a queen - Sleeping on satin, I'll dress you in lace It's all out of reach till you fix your mistake" The first line is a bit cliched and I think Carolyn was right about maybe it not fitting the theme. The next two lines didn't really create any great images and they too were a little on the cliched side. The last line was was okay. I also thought this stanza had a pretty decent flow to it. "Torture me gently-I'm up for the trip Torture me sweetly --- We'll dance to my song Torture me gently - tasted my tears Torture me sweetly -- The truth's in your eyes" In my opinion you should scrap or rewrite the chorus if you want it as a poem and only have one of them in the poem. "Visited a friend whose lover was lost Found love at last she said in her sweet baby's eyes It was always there just hidden in disguise Too late now he got called home See your circle plans can't you see they're wasting our time Looking for my soul mate bond the half that completes Your love it is cruel comfort - makes wrenching gut pain" I'm all for changing tempos etc. but I found the transition between different flows really clunky. Also the majority of this stanza I found to be very cliched..ie. "her sweet baby's eyes", "hidden in disguise", "for my soul mate" and "cruel comfort - makes wrenching gut pain". It also it didn't really have any focal point or story line. "I see that gold band and your agenda is clear You pray to the God for the answer you know I'm naïve to your ways but I've learned the lesson fast I'm edgy and raw but my mind has been made The sand has run out on your hour glass quite tragic The veil has been lifted and so has your magic" I agree completely with what Carolyn said regarding this part. Very cliched stanza, try to give the reader insight to the original you instead of falling back on someone's words. What made the events that spurred you to think of this unique for you? Anyways, as a song all of this can easily be overlooked because of the musical backdrop....or lyrics being the backdrop for the music, but as a poem, standing naked by itself without an musical company, one has to be more focused on really giving each and every word specific and personal meaning. I didn't care much for this piece as a poem, I think if you were to really explore your feelings behind each and every thought behind each and every line you could probably re-vamp it into something a little more fluid. Thank you though for sharing this with us and I hope you will continue to post your poetry and critique as well. Take care, Trevor |
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