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ambivalence
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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ambivalence |
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poetic_butterfly Junior Member
since 2000-02-14
Posts 25illinois, usa |
hi, i'm only 16 and new here. please provide me with some constructive criticism.  ambivalence we'll look at the moon as we always do and wouldn't you assume that after awhile its glow would fade? it's ambivalence we'd say as we know it's not eternal and we bask in its glow long after its hope has faded still hoping ourselves miserably for its return love has its sheen diffuses its fantasy and its reality almost equally how i despise them both how they coincide well, we wonder how love can glow ethereally and cause hearts bleeding pain and how we can love that how we can hate it also we wonder how ambivalence exists and maybe we ought to question love instead besides, wouldn't you say that after awhile all that glows will surely fade? so why do we keep searching?...... ....the words that stand still are often the ones that move us most.... |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
You must be wondering why you haven't gotten any feedback, and I'm wondering too. It's not like your poem is terrible or something. I myself, when I read it yesterday, didn't find it very *exciting*, I admit. I thought if it were stretched out in one long line, it would be pretty much prose. And I felt it lacked focus, that you wandered and waffled instead of sharpening and insisting on your subject. Maybe what I'm saying is just as vague and "ambiguous" too, but at least I'm sending this back up where you'll get a second shot at some critiques. You deserve that. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Butterfly, Ted's right, this deserves better treatment, and thanks, Ted, for bringing it back to the top. Unfortunately, as others will surely verify, I am not very well qualified to critique free verse. But seeing Ted's comments helps me a little to focus my own thoughts. First, he said "didn't find it *exciting*", it seemed to wander a bit and seemed more prose-like. After he pointed that out to me, I think it was my reaction too. But these all say the same thing, to me anyway. Now keep in mind that it takes something special for me to see free verse as poetry rather than prose anyway, so this is a strictly biased comment, although not intentionally so. I thought you made your point well. Your line breaks seemed quite logical and, at the same time, created an interesting visual image. I wonder why though you used two commas when the piece is otherwise not punctuated. I see that they were used in grammatically similar positions but still wonder why. (Not a big deal though.) Unless I missed something  your grammar and spelling seemed spot on, BTW.I can't be more specific but it seems to not quite drive the nail home. Maybe you could be a little more specific or descriptive in the middle part or maybe you introduce to many ideas without time or space to really paint the picture. Or maybe we just need to sit back and wait for one of our exceptionally talented free verse writers to help me out here.  One more thing. The ending clicked pretty well until I read the last line. I can't say why for sure but "keep searching?" seemed a let down. Well thanks and let's see what some others have to say. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi butterfly, You had asked a question a few days back, sorry I'm taking so long to address it but it was something about age....it doesn't matter what age you are, any age can post here. What probably matters, though some may disagree, is an openness towards poetry and towards people's comments on your poetry. The critiquing here is sometimes critical and honest but almost always directed solely at a poem and not a poet. The goal here for the majority here is to learn more about poetry through discussing it with each other....well that's my goal at least Well now that I've said that I'll get on with my critique."we'll look at the moon as we always do and wouldn't you assume that after awhile its glow would fade?" I liked these opening lines. They had a nice flow to them and it hints at being a metaphor. "it's ambivalence we'd say as we know it's not eternal and we bask in its glow long after its hope has faded still hoping ourselves miserably" Personally I thought too much repetition of the same words used in the first section..."glow", "fade" "hope"-"hoping". Consider investing in a Thesaurus, great tool for giving alternate words. Also "miserably" seemed awkward....consider "miserable" or "into misery" instead. "we bask in it's glow" is pretty cliched. "for its return love has its sheen diffuses its fantasy and its reality almost equally how i despise them both how they coincide" I found the way you drew into the theme of love was a little too quick. Personally I would have liked this more if the whole poem was metaphoric instead of quickly jumping from discussing the moon and it losing it's fade to love. "well, we wonder how love can glow ethereally and cause hearts bleeding pain and how we can love that how we can hate it also" In my opinion you've used "glow" and "love" too many times in this poem. "Bleeding pain" is pretty cliched. Also I found the wording in this section to be confusing, "and how we can love that/how we can hate it also", Consider a slight change, maybe to something like "and how we love that/which we also hate"...just a thought. "we wonder how ambivalence exists and maybe we ought to question love instead besides, wouldn't you say that after awhile all that glows will surely fade? so why do we keep searching?..." I have a war going on with the "..."s used in poems . I dislike them because I feel a writer should find a word or word it so a reader is left feeling like there is something left to be said or something that continues onward instead of "...". I liked the story and theme of the poem but like this last section, I thought it lacked enough depth to really hold the reader in the poem. The use of the same words also detracted from the poem. You used "glow" four times, "love" four times, "fade" a three times, double use of "hope" has only three words between, etc. Consider flairing this poem up a bit with more descriptions, thereby adding a little more depth. For example, "we'll look at the moon as we always do" What does the moon look like other than just "glowing"? What is the way that you always look at the moon like? Anyways, I liked the theme and the comparison of the moon fading to love fading, however I thought this poem could use a little more meat on its bones . Just an opinion, thanks for sharing it and I hope to read more of your work in the future, take care,Trevor |
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poetic_butterfly Junior Member
since 2000-02-14
Posts 25illinois, usa |
thanks, everyone, for their constuctive criticism. as far as my poetry is concerned, i'll clear some things up: i use repetition quite a bit in poetry, and maybe you might lose interest for that, but honestly, i don't put much thought into whether or not it'll keep readers' interests. it takes me under ten minutes to write the poem, and focus is definitely not my strong point. yes i am definitely into free verse. i'll use "hope" and "hoping" to link one point to the other, i've realized. i don't want to consciously structure my poem (i've got to do that for AP exams in english) as that would draw out every ounce of the joy that writing brings me. but thank you all for your ideas, they really made me think. i just think to myself: what kind of release is free verse poetry when you've got to think about the verses? i don't see how people write in structured verse and actually enjoy it. (sorry, but i am not that rigid a person) if you do enjoy it, however, i can't relate. remember, i'm only 16, and my intentions while writing poetry is to release....nothing more. oh, and if you'd like to read my other postings, they are located at http://netpoets.com/cgi/pip/Ultimate.cgi just look for my name... < !signature--> ....the words that stand still are often the ones that move us most.... [This message has been edited by poetic_butterfly (edited 02-16-2000).] |
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poetic_butterfly Junior Member
since 2000-02-14
Posts 25illinois, usa |
anybody else want a swing at me? ....the words that stand still are often the ones that move us most.... |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Yeah I'll take another swing Now this is nothing more than a couple of thoughts on your response, and this is in no way an attack, more of a curious questioning type'o'thingy. "and maybe you might lose interest for that, but honestly, i don't put much thought into whether or not it'll keep readers' interests." If you don't really care if reader's will lose interest or not than why do you share it instead of keeping it in a shoe box? I doesn't make sense to me that someone posts at CA, thereby asking for constructive criticism and then says she doesn't care if she holds the reader's attention. If you write solely for yourself, I say great, but if you post and say you write solely for yourself than to me personally, it seems like a contridiction. "what kind of release is free verse poetry when you've got to think about the verses?" You don't think about anything that you enjoy? If you like reading, you don't think about the author or their words? If you enjoy sports, you don't think about them or how to get better at them? "i'm only 16, and my intentions while writing poetry is to release....nothing more." Then why at the top of your poem you put, "please provide me with some constructive criticism"? "what kind of release is free verse poetry when you've got to think about the verses?" What kind of release is reading free verse poetry when you can't understand the verses? Now I'm going to be honest here, and this is only an opinion and not meant to be a hurtful thing, but it seems like these are excuses more so than anything else. Don't be embarrassed if the poem wasn't recieved as well as you had hoped for. If you are starting to write for an audience its important to realize that you have to enter their world as much as they have enter into yours. The writer-reader relationship is a tricky one, you can't compromise too much as a writer otherwise you become cliched and you can't always write solely for yourself or you will be misinterpreted. Now whether or not you agree with critiques is your own business, that's not really what I'm talking about here anyways, just wanted to say that being open to new ideas is important in the writing process and being honest to yourself is also very important. Never underestimate to power of editing and revising....if you feel that your poetry should just flow forth without and remain as is then that's fine, but obviously you don't really feel that way or else you wouldn't have asked for constructive criticism. And it seems for you to want constructive criticism that it kinda cancels your statement of not wanting to think about the structure, etc. If you don't want to think about your poem and how it is written than constructive criticism is probably useless to you. For what they're worth those were my thoughts, just thought I'd add them in. Thanks again and take care, Trevor |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, Trevor got here before me but maybe I can add a slightly different take on what he said. If we divide up the reader/writer thing here, I think it becomes easier to understand the ideas presented. The reader of a poem doesn't really care how the poem is written -- whether it takes five minutes or five hours or five days. There may be a certain respect for versatility (you can respect a jazz guitarist for his technical skill even if you don't particularly care for the song as a whole) but most readers (or listeners) just won't care. If you write a poem and you like it (you then become your own reader), you have one person who likes it and that's all that really matters. On the other hand, many of us freely admit that we want to be liked and enjoyed by other people because that feeling creates its own satisfaction (actually, I find it satisfying when someone else writes a poem and people seem to sincerely enjoy it -- something of a writer's bond perhaps). When you write, just write and the words just come, it may indeed have a therapuetic feel to it and that's fine, it is a release. But a release is just one sensation you can feel in writing poetry. There is a strong sense of giddyness in writing a structured poem that works on a rhythmic, emotive, and thematic level at the same time. This feeling isn't a release, it's the feeling of creation and that, in my opinion, is a much more powerful, even addictive, sensation than that of release. Both styles are valid as long as it works on a reader (which includes the writer) but for the writer, why not explore the different sensations one can feel as a writer. Don't limit yourself. Just some ideas, Brad |
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