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Bassai-Shodan
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Bassai-Shodan |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash 
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Callused smooth soles slide across the hardwood floor as I focus on breathing, balance; muscle memory’s movements replay the ageless assault against a fortified foe; stance shifts swift fists strikeblockstrikeblockstrike; smooth efficiency of movement, momentum, no wasted weight in the Chung Do; stance shifts, knifed-hands block-block-block-balanced-pivot kickKYAIstick soft touch turn; perceived speed true speed Pause. Breathing, Balance, Soles slowly slide together, touch, hands held high; stance shifts pullpunchpivotstomp/blockstrikekickstrikepivotslapstomp--wobble-- balance, breathing staggers. I finish the form but lose the moment; sweat stings my eyes so I add it to my already-wet dobak sleeve. I begin again. Callused smooth soles slide across the hardwood floor and I focus on breathing, balance. *** Bassai-Shodan is a traditional Japanese karate kata (form) adopted as one of the first degree blackbelt forms in the traditional Tae Kwon Do style of Chung Do Kwan (Blue Way School -- rough English translation). < !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 02-18-2000).] |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
Nice. You're really hitting the alliteration there, aren't you. Going to have to think about how it works "as a poem", but it sure works as a description of performance -- now I'm checking out my own breath, it got pretty heavy during the read. Supposed to be working now, Jim, but I'll get back to this one. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jimteach, Though this was more prosaic than poetic in form, I enjoyed the imagery. I could picture you balancing, blocking, breathing, kicking... One of my girls took Tae Kwan Do to protect herself from a bully, and I vividly recall watching her moves. I suppose that assisted me in the imagery. Just one very tiny crit...to me, anyway, calloused skin is not smooth...none that I've seen has been. Perhaps if you just used toughened, or thickened. JMHO, oh, and callus is a noun; calloused is the adjective. Nice piece, Jimbo, Kris< !signature--> Thoughts of a dry brain in a dry season ~ T.S. Eliot [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 02-14-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Ted: Glad my alliteration practice got the heartrate going. I may have been pushing the poetry/prose boundary a little bit with this. I look forward to your further comments. Kris: "Callused" does mean "thickened" and until I began practicing martial arts I had never seen smooth calluses before either. While they don't start out smooth, they end up that way, trust me. P.S. My spell check "checked" "Calloused", by the way. < !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 02-15-2000).] |
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
as a studier of martial arts i'm gonna have to say that i can relate with and also love this peace, the movements in the kata were something that i could easily see altough my discipline is far from being tae kwan do. the alliteration was good and i also like the pauses. rich-pa |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
jim-- pretty peppy poem, pal, it packed a powerful punch! liked it lots.  seriously, i thought the alliteration was maybe a little heavy, but at times ("breathing, balance", "movement, momentum, no wasted weight") it added to the piece. "muscle memory’s movements / replay the ageless assault against a fortified foe" was one place where i thought it was a distraction. i think kris is right about the spelling of "calloused", by the way. wonderful work! jenni |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
I was going to get to this one today, but it took me too long to mold my own prose/poetry attempt (Bag of Magic Tricks) and I'm out of time. I'll get to Bassai-Shodan soon, but don't think I could contribute much beyond fine-tuning, if that. I like it! |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Sorry Jim, I haven't said anything about this one because 1) you are well aware that free verse is not my forte and 2) I don't know anything about this subject matter either. Soooo, I guess there's precious little I could contribute. For the most part, it's easy to read and interesting and includes several words we don't see in poetry every day. Sorry I can't add anything.  Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hey Jim, Sorry I took so long getting to this little gem. Personally I love good alliteration, always have and I thought your use of this technique was excellent, "smooth soles slide", "muscle memory’s movements", etc. I thought the parts describing the movements to the kata could have been formated differently. I found the hyphons distracting. Maybe bunch them together until you get to "wobble" as the movements do flow into one another, also might give more impact to when you flater with a little bit of "wobble"....were you drunk while doing this?  I thought "Pause" could have been left out and just used an extra line to show a pause in the kata. I'm undecided if I liked the "true speed perceived speed", I mean the meaning is good but the vote isn't in yet on the wording Maybe "speed percieved true", instead....I dunno.Now my biggest suggestion towards changes in this poem is to make it a third person point of view. Anyways, liked the poem, good theme, good alliteration...you're really on an Eastern type of "kick" lately aren't you? Thanks for the read, take care,Trev,err |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Jim I'm sorry to be late as well .. well I'm not really but everyone else is saying that so there we go... I'm going to be irritating and say Kris is absolutely right .. callus is the noun and calloused is "an" adjective. I'm not entirely convinced that calloused is "the" adjective though; I have a feeling callused may be a legitimate option for describing skin covered in calluses in much the same way as you might described a head with an ache as "head-ached" .As to the poem .. I'm with jenni right down the line .. I like alliteration in moderation my mildly magnificent moderator after a while it tends, in my view, to verge on the comical, which is great in the right poem but maybe not in a heavyweight piece such as this ..Nice poem Jimlad .... Philip |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Thanks, everybody, for your replies. Yes, I did lay the alliteration on a little heavy and the only reason I wrote it this way is because I felt like it.  Actually, I've been trying to think of a way to describe one of my forms for a pretty long time and this came relatively easy to me. Rich: The forms of Chung Do Kwan very closely resemble those of Shotokhan Karate (you may be more familiar with it). Jenni: I think I'm gonna side with Philip on the "callused" issue (boys against girls, you see). Actually, "muscle memory's movements" is what led me down the road of alliteration for this piece. After doing the same form or the same movement correctly over and over and over and over again, your muscles actually begin to "remember" their proper positioning in preparation and execution of the technique. Almost no thought is required. Ted: Thanks again. I'm glad you like it. Pete: Thanks for replying. I think it's about time you wrote some free-verse, my man. Didn't you sign up for Nan's free-verse workshop? Everyone has to experience writing semi-real poetry at least once! Trevor: Actually, Trev, I have you to thank for this one. After one of your emails I started dusting off my Bassai-Shodan a bit (actually a lot ... I was quite sore the next day). "Personally I love good alliteration, always have and I thought your use of this technique was excellent, 'smooth soles slide', 'muscle memory’s movements', etc." I'm glad you noticed this. I was experimenting with syllable length and its effect on the reading of a "physical" poem. "Smooth, souls, slide" are all long syllables and when you read them natural, they seem to be drawn out, dontcha think? "Muscle memory's movements" didn't work as well in this way but because this wasn't describing the action itself I let it go. "I thought the parts describing the movements to the kata could have been formated differently. I found the hyphons distracting." What I was aiming at with the hyphens was a faster read. I tried to keep the speed of the reading in check with the actually speed of Bassai-Shodan as much as possible. I thought this added to its authenticity. Commas implied too much of a pause and empty spaces just didn't look right to me. "were you drunk while doing this?" LOL. Actually, no. Bassai-Shodan is performed as fast as possible while maintaining precise techique. There are only two pauses in the form where the practicioner moves in almost slow motion. The "wobble" took place after the first pause followed by two rapid hand techiques, a 180° pivot/stomp/downblock followed by another rapid hand technique and another 180° pivot with the leading foot striking the outstretched hand. It gets quite dizzying and it is common to lose one's balance when executing these moves. "Perceived speed" simply describes the moves a third person sees. "True speed" includes the techniques that go unnoticed (those are the ones that really end up hurting when you are on the receiving end). Thanks for the critique. I'll consider your formatting suggestion. Philip: You old stick in the mud! Don't make me kick your bloody, British butt! Seriously, I'm keeping callused because I think WE are right and the WOMEN are wrong. I know I know I pushed the alliteration pretty far. But it sure was fun doing it. Isn't that what's important?Thanks everyone. Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 02-17-2000).] |
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
i'm a bit more familiar with shotokhan, my still has it's base in shotokahn with a mixtur of dragon and tiger style kung-fu...cool though |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hey Jim, "Actually, Trev, I have you to thank for this one. After one of your emails I started dusting off my Bassai-Shodan a bit (actually a lot ... I was quite sore the next day)." Was it because you were a bit nervous about fighting the Big Guy upstairs ""Smooth, souls, slide" are all long syllables and when you read them natural, they seem to be drawn out, dontcha think?" I agree with you, also wanted to add that I thought "callused" worked in the descrip. I know exactly what you mean...me being the general laborer, I have often had this tough yet hardwood floor smooth skin. "What I was aiming at with the hyphens was a faster read." Consider clumping them together without any spaces or with very few spaces. It is a flowing thing that is rather one whole action instead of a multitude of actions. Here's the way I would have probably done it and maybe it might inspire some ideas if you feel like you'd want to change it: "Callused smooth soles slide across the hardwood floor as I focus on breathing, balance; muscle memory’s movements replay the ageless assault against a fortified foe; stance shifts swiftfists strikeblockstrikeblockstrike; smooth efficiency of movement, momentum, no wasted weight in the Chung Do; stance shifts, knifedhands blockblockblock balancedpivot kickKYAIstick soft touch turn; true speed perceived speed", I dunno man, did some katas as a kid but I don't know if it fits this particular one...just a thought. "Perceived speed" simply describes the moves a third person sees. "True speed" includes the techniques that go unnoticed (those are the ones that really end up hurting when you are on the receiving end)." I understood what you were trying to say with that part...or at least I was close (I thought true speed was living up to the potential of oneself) but it still read a little clunky....especially since you have so much alliteration before it. Take care, Trevor |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
swiftfists strikeblockstrikeblockstrike; smooth efficiency of movement, momentum, no wasted weight in the Chung Do; stance shifts, knifedhands blockblockblock balancedpivot kickKYAIstick Jim ... I just wanted to say that this idea from Trevor is I think absolutely excellent .. somehow it just seems to immediatley convey the sense of speed ... P |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Okay, guys. I'm giving it a try. I think it's a little hard to read this way but I think you are right about the sense of speed Trevor (and Philip). The three blocks are not in reality as fast as the other techniques and, because of this, I think your suggested format improves the realism. This way the blocks are not perceived as having the same speed as the combinations (the blocks include steps, btw). I also reversed the "true speed perceived speed" line to "perceived speed true speed" thinking it isn't quite as jarring that way. Losing the hyphens also allowed me to fit more moves in there. Thanks for the pointers, Sensei Trev. Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 02-18-2000).] |
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