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Crashing Intwo....(Revision)
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Crashing Intwo....(Revision) |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
The night slides on soft as stockings climb down the keen of legs lumping useless like a slipped cocoon while boxers release their band no longer able to hold willingness and the anticipation of friction in folds of bent bodies laying in love with moments that make moans like the grinding gears of a devil's truck that will not stop until it crashes intwo. That was how the original went..... The night slides on soft as stockings climb down the keen of legs, lumping useless like a slipped cocoon. Boxers release their band no longer able to hold willingness and the anticipation of friction in folds of bent bodies laying in love with moan making moments like the pushed lust of grinding gears on a devil's truck that will not stop until it crashes intwo. [This message has been edited by Trevor (edited 02-14-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Trevor "Intwo" is an interesting idea fusing as it does "into" and "in two" ... suggesting thereby an impact and a break at the same time. I can see why you may have chosen this format .. the unstoppable progression meshes well with the ending "of a devil's truck that will not stop until it crashes intwo" which is a kind of climax to the poem. Lots of nice imagery as well although it's going to take a few more reads before I pick up everything. I am not usually a great fan of long unbroken passages like this, but in this case I think it maybe works .. small typo on "cocoon" or did you have something to do with coccyx in mind .. or is there a word I don't know? .....lol bfn Philip |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
TD, Different form of sensual poetry... It did fit this piece, which had good imagery. "keen of legs" was also an unusual, but fitting phrase in this sense. Didn't care for "devil's truck"...not the word truck, but the word devil, in particular. I just got the feeling that you were saying that this was somehow a bit evil or unsavory. Just my 'pinion. Kristine Thoughts of a dry brain in a dry season ~ T.S. Eliot |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Sorry Trevor, but this one just confuses me. I mean, it's easier to read than it first looks. At least by the second or third reading, the words roll out nice enough but I can't seem to make them fit together logically. As Kris said, it does give off a sensual mood, and I suspect that was what you meant. But still, phrases like "keen of legs lumping . . .", "devil's truck" and "intwo" really don't seem to fit for me.  And, I always seem to be distracted by a format such as this. Although Philip's comment does seem to have some validity for this one. You did, however, create some vivid visual and emotional images. Also, I can't figure out where you find the time to write as much as you do. Thanks and keep it up. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
hello, PHILIP: ""Intwo" is an interesting idea fusing as it does "into" and "in two" ... suggesting thereby an impact and a break at the same time." That's what I was trying to go for with that....lovers crashing into climax then than rolling off of each other for a quick breather  "small typo on "cocoon"" Thanks for pointing that out and thank you for reading and responding. I've made a revision. If you have the time I'd love to hear what you think. Take care, Trevor KRIS: "Didn't care for "devil's truck"...not the word truck, but the word devil, in particular. I just got the feeling that you were saying that this was somehow a bit evil or unsavory." Ohhh my firey fiesty lady What I was trying to say with the "devil's truck" was that it was a heated thing....they were going at it hot and heavy like a devil's truck until it crashed into and in two...then they had a chance to cool down for a moment I didn't want it to carry a negative weight but I can see why it might be interpreted that way, thanks for your comments and take care,Trevor PETE: "But still, phrases like "keen of legs lumping . . .", "devil's truck" and "intwo" really don't seem to fit for me." I think maybe the keen of legs part needed a little more clarification because the subject of lumping is unclear. I was trying to say that the stockings not the legs were lumped on the floor. "Also, I can't figure out where you find the time to write as much as you do." Simply put...I don't get much sleep. But every once and awhile I'll crawl away for a couple of days and sleep my brains out Thanks for your comments and pointing out the possible awkwardness of the "keen of legs lumping". Take care, Trevor |
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poetic_butterfly Junior Member
since 2000-02-14
Posts 25illinois, usa |
i'm assuming you all(or the vast majority) are adults, as i am no longer in the teen forum. but i am only 16 and looking for some, hmm, serious poetry to comment on. trevor, your poem was very well-written. and i do like the line structure better on the revision. the first ran together and it was more difficult to feel what is felt in the revision. well, i hope i haven't disturbed any of you. i'm not sure yet if you mind teenagers in these forums (hopefully you don't discriminate)< !signature--> ....the words that stand still are often the ones that move us most.... [This message has been edited by poetic_butterfly (edited 02-15-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hey Trev: I thought this one was interesting. I'm not usually crazy about restructuring something so it looks "more like poetry should" (I think your poem is a fine poem in either format) but there is atleast one line that benefits very well from your change. "The night slides on soft as stockings climb down the keen of legs," The visual effect of the "stockings climbing down" complimented the meaning of the words very well. I'm not quite sure, though, what you mean by "keen". Do you mean "intense, precise keen" or "wailing, crying keen" or are you using that Canadian dictionary again?  "lumping useless like a slipped cocoon. Boxers release their band no longer able to hold willingness" I think you can find a stronger word than "willingness". It just doesn't seem passionate enough. Or perhaps you were going for understatement. Are you turning over a new leaf with us here, Trev, mi amigo? Again, [and] the anticipation of friction in folds of bent bodies laying in love with moan making moments" Lots of alliteration here helped these lines to roll off the tongue. Perhaps it is the voyeur in me coming out (from hanging around Brad so much, no doubt) but the "bent bodies" and "moan making moments", while good words, still left me with only a vague picture. "like the pushed lust of grinding gears on a devil's truck that will not stop until it crashes intwo." I liked these lines. "Devil's truck" conjured up images of The Green Goblin truck in "Maximum Overdrive" (remember that movie?). It literally didn't stop until it crashed in two [million] pieces. Good image here. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hey Trev, The revision reads much easier for me any. The comma added after "keen of legs" makes your meaning more clear. I like your rewording to "moan making moments" and I think "pushed lust" adds a little intensity as well as clarity to the next line. All in all, this was a good revision for me. One small question still remains though. Should the line read folds of bent bodies lying or did you intend for the word to be "laying"? Would that be a freudian something? Thanks for the revision and keep up the good work. I look forward to the sequel but hope I don't have to go to Adult to read it. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Trev, I like the revisions very much, especially the stocking bit...and I took "keen" to mean sharply accentuated, but it could also be the slang meaning...splendid, great. I still, however, don't like "devil's" truck. There is still that connotation that sin, evil, whatever, is a factor. Perhaps you're trying to say that this was an adulterous encounter...otherwise, it does not fit at all, IMHO. I'm sure there's another metaphor you could use for "heat" that didn't have such negative implications. I do like the revision very much, though... Kristine Thoughts of a dry brain in a dry season ~ T.S. Eliot |
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WAHMOM2 New Member
since 2000-02-15
Posts 3 |
I think you've captured the essence of a passionate moment. I like the contrast of the soft cocoon with the grinding gears. The words flow and take you away. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
HELP [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 02-16-2000).] |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
nice work, trevor! |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Jenni, that was mean! Heh-heh. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Now, Trevor, look what you've gone and made Kristine do  Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kristine: Excuse me, Trev. I have some work to do here. It seems Kris has forgotten how to post a new subject. She must be burning out or something so who am I to judge. "Hands explore wet skin, as lips find their destination," "Destination" should be plural ("destinations"). "Froths of soapy lather, Applied slowly, swirling, Like icing on a scrumptious dessert," "Scrumptious" is slang, but that didn't bother me too much. "Swirling" seemed a little unimaginative for one of your caliber, Grasshoppa. "A nubilous fog clouds the glass," "Nebulous" is grossly mispelled unless you are trying something new with "nubile", but if that is the case, I can't figure out how a cloud can be of marital age.  "As desires rise," I bet you are going to insist that there is no pun intended with "rise". This is a family forum, dear. "Pressing, slippery two into one, Steam ascending, Billowing out of the enclosure," These lines had nice flow, movement ... very little friction. Heh-heh. "Filling the room with a Redolence of cleansing release" I had difficulty making "Redolence" work for me here. Sound just doesn't seem right. "And obscuring the ebb in the flow of heat," Nice layers to this. Depletion of heat of passion/depletion of hot water in hot water heater ... clever. "Till again, hands find wet skin." Only because you can't roll over and go to sleep in the shower unless you care to risk drowning. Sinfully clean, Krissy. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
lol, i just couldn't resist. trevor-- i loved this piece.... the first line is beautiful; "keen of legs" is great, really liked that; the lines lengthening as the boxers come off....nice touch there, although i agree with jim about "willingness", i'd skip it and get right to the "anticipation"; "moan making movements" i thought was a good use of alliteration, although i'd put a hyphen in 'moan-making'; "pushed lust of grinding gears" is another great phrase. i didn't mind the "devil's truck" at all, in fact i think it added alot to the piece, took it a little out of the ordinary. the trevorism "intwo" at the end... well... it didn't really do much for me, to be honest. i think you could convey "into" and "IN two" just as easily with "in two," and you'd also convey the separation, then, too. (lol) just my opinion. very well done, and much better than the original version; like jim, i thought the visual effect with the stockings was much better this way. kris-- i loved your version, too! mmm, very, very nice, clean but with just a touch of naughtiness (ooh, that icing, lol). good one! ok, i think i'm going to take a bath now, lol. jenni |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jimteach, "nubilous" page 245, Roget's Super Thesaurus, used in description of fog. Jenni, Sorry this turned you off the shower...no more attempted semi-erotic poetry for me. Kristine Thoughts of a dry brain in a dry season ~ T.S. Eliot |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Geeze, Kristine. Seems like Webster's has never heard of "nubilous" and MicroSoft Word has never heard of "calloused". What to do, what to do? Jim |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Sorry Trev, Jim, My poor addled brain...not burned out...just totally scrambled by the antics of those who shall remain un-named! I need a sweater!!!! Anyone have knitting needles? Oh, no! I think I'm developing a dissociative fugue.... Thanks for reading and for your comments, Trevor < !signature--> Thoughts of a dry brain in a dry season ~ T.S. Eliot [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 02-15-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kris: Not only that but you are also beginning to speak in gibberish!  Seriously, I think I'm starting to suffer from one of those same discombobulated fudge thingies you just mentioned. Is their a cure my shrinky-dinky Grasshoppa?Jim |
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Corgan New Member
since 2000-02-16
Posts 2 |
Hi I just found this site about 2 hours ago (I was supposed to be studying for physics but...hehe =) and I have to say that it's awesome, I like it a lot...but anyway here's what I think... Truthfully I have to say that I liked the original better. I think the way that the words sort of jumbled together set a very good rhythm and added to poem's passionate atmosphere. It also makes the ending seem much more powerful...sort of like a speeding train, going along really fast and then boom...it crashes in the climax. The added structure, although it makes a first reading a lot easier, takes away a lot of the impact for me. The added commas and periods gave it a slower pace and made it softer...and if that's what you were going for then I think it worked. However I liked the first version better because it seemed more...well, raw, I guess. It was more chaotic and implusive and wild...and if you think about it that's kinda what sex is, at least in this case. I guess you could say that the original is really passionate but the revised is more sensual. And I personally think that it worked better as a frantic, passionate poem. "friction in folds of bent bodies" and of course the last line, "the grinding gears of a devil's truck that will not stop until it crashes intwo" suggests a harder, more physical love than a sense of teasing and slow lovemaking. Also the words "devil's truck" works better in the physical atmosphere and I don't find that it suggests a sense of evil at all. To me, it makes it seem forbidden and naughty...and I think that comes from society's infulence on our sexual lives. So I guess I went against the grain a little here, I hope I didn't offend anybody and I hope my opinions helped you out a bit Trevor. It was a good poem, I liked it a lot. Anyway, gotta get back to studying. Bye. |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello everyone, Thanks to all again who've taken the time to read and respond to this poem. I hope eventually I can return the favour to all. Butterfly: I attached a brief response to your question when I critiqued your poem. Jim: "I'm not usually crazy about restructuring something so it looks "more like poetry should" Neither am I but I'm also not crazy about muddling meaning either. I only rewrote the format to see if it could be interpretted better with line breaks. I haven't gotten back to you on your e-mail on free verse...sorry but my Hotmail account seems to be under repair for the last couple days....ohhh that Bill Gates "Do you mean "intense, precise keen" or "wailing, crying keen" or are you using that Canadian dictionary again?" Yep it's a Canadian dictionary thing...but for it to make sense you have to be wearing your beer goggles What I meant by "keen" was good, the best part. For me I love the supple curves of a woman's thighs as you trace down their legs and onto the round of their calves...ohhh yeah, then you got their smelly little feet which they beg you to massage cause THEY'VE had a hard day at work talking to people on the phone and not you whose been cleaning the funky stuff that lives behind toilets or lifting crates of vegetables sweating in a scorching hot kitchen!!!! "I think you can find a stronger word than "willingness"." Oh yeah!, well I think you can find a stronger word than "stronger"...so there. Actually I was going for an understatement. I wanted to portray that this really was more of a one night stand and with my use of "willingness" I was trying to hint at a lot of men's "willingness" to sleep with just about any woman that wants them. I wanted to use that and "anticipation of friction folds" to show that just the very thought of having sex made this man aroused. She hasn't even laid a hand on him and he's raring to go I think I will go with the first format and reword some parts to try and make it more comprehendible, I think I muddle it up a bit in some parts with the wording."Perhaps it is the voyeur in me coming out (from hanging around Brad so much, no doubt) but the "bent bodies" and "moan making moments", while good words, still left me with only a vague picture." I agree, I'm also going to try and expand on the descrips while trying to remain faithful to an over-abundance of alliteration. "I liked these lines. "Devil's truck" conjured up images of The Green Goblin truck in "Maximum Overdrive" (remember that movie?)." Who could ever forget such a cinematic classic My favourite part was when the baseball coach got killed by the pop machine P.S Can you believe that neither Webster's nor MS Word has "Trevorism" in them??? The need a revision. ...perhaps we should just revise everything while we're at it Pete: "All in all, this was a good revision for me. One small question still remains though. Should the line read folds of bent bodies lying or did you intend for the word to be "laying"? Would that be a freudian something?" I was trying to use that word for a double meaning...laying on the bed and them laying one another. "I look forward to the sequel but hope I don't have to go to Adult to read it." I don't think there will be a sequal but I'm going to do another revision using the first format, adding more descrips. but rewording it so subject-verb isn't as confusing....I hope I don't have to go to Adult to post it Kris: I can't believe you used MY poem to post your poem....ohhhh the nerve!!!!!!! Actually I wished you had left it in this thread. It's a good example of how different lustful encounters are viewed by different people. For your poem, it had more a romantic, sensual feeling to it, which is a good and in my poem it's more of a heated-lust thing, more primitive and basic fullfillment of urges. I wanted to convey the picture that this was nothing more than animalistic-lusting sex, both the man and the woman just wanted to go at it....the kind that's viewed as sinful I think I'm going to leave "devil's truck" in but expand on the descrips to give the reader a better picture of what kind of moment it is. And no need to apoligize for posting that poem here, like I said, I would have rather you kept it in.WAHMOM2: "The words flow and take you away." That was my main focus when I first wrote this....now all I have to do is give the flow some meaning I see by the number of posts beside your name that you are new to this forum so I want to welcome you to CA and I look forward to the opportunity to reading and discussing some of your poetry.Corgan: Welcome to CA, glad to hear you are enjoying it so far. "Truthfully I have to say that I liked the original better. I think the way that the words sort of jumbled together set a very good rhythm and added to poem's passionate atmosphere. It also makes the ending seem much more powerful...sort of like a speeding train, going along really fast and then boom...it crashes in the climax." That's the main reason I'm thinking of sticking with the first format. I thought the second format was easier to understand but lacked the racing feeling. "So I guess I went against the grain a little here, I hope I didn't offend anybody and I hope my opinions helped you out a bit Trevor." Yes thanks for your comments, greatly appreciated and I agree with them. Good luck with physics. Thanks again to all of you who took the time to read and respond. I guess another revision is in order...I can't seem to ever please you people no matter what I do Take care everyone,Trevor " |
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