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Children Swinging
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Children Swinging |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Churn, churn a parody of a normal family writing a silent story, why give a child reason to pray? Hope, hope a teasing word that’s beaten, bruised and sounds absurd and love means nothing when never heard, what do battered mouths say? Rows, rows of rooted trees sway weighted ropes in the breeze that dare not drop their precious leaves how have we taught children to play? Life, life a gift unfair and swinging children had nowhere to turn and feel that someone cared if they bothered to stay. [This message has been edited by Trevor (edited 02-13-2000).] |
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Joanna T. Lopez Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 33El Paso, Texas |
Hi Trevor, I have not had much of an opportunity to read your works (were all so busy, but we do find the time somehow do we not?) As you must know I am kinda new to CA, but I have had the pleasure of my work being viewed by all three of you, tis the wrath of all twas not that harsh, thank god! I had heard you three were deadly! (big grin smiley inserted along w/a winking smiley face, still trying to figure out how to use those cute little icons, figure if I say this enough someone will help this damsel in distress!) Tell me if I'm way off here Trevor, but is this piece of yours about children and suicide? This is what it reads like to me, but then again I may be crazy as h..., so my other halfs tell me that I am. 3rd stanza "Sway children swinging in the breeze Fastened on tighter than the leaves" Is this a noose that the children swing from? 4th stanza "Life, life is unfair and hanging children had nowhere to turn a feel that someone cared if they would bother to stay" This stanza says to me that life is unfair to children in general and that they have no where or no one to turn too, no one that cares, so why bother with this life, so they took their own life? Am I reading this correct or am I INSANE?, or is it that I have'nt had my cup of COFFEE this fine morning. Actually! I'm hoping your going to tell me that I am not insane and the Coffee has nothing to do w/it. Sincerely yours, Joanna T. [This message has been edited by Joanna T. Lopez (edited 02-11-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
TeeDee, As I've read other works you've posted, I know you write of a subject who apparently had a miserable childhood, one in which the subject was neglected and/or abused emotionally and/or physically. In the first stanza, parody could be either a satirical take on this type of family, or a travesty. I feel it is the former, and that "silent story" depicts the neglect. I don't quite understand the jump from that line to the last of the stanza. I feel that there is something missing. I like the second stanza very much...I picture a child desperately reaching out for love, has been hurt so many times before, and it is always pulled away before he can touch it, like a children's game. So he falls silent. And then, the third and fourth stanzas... I also interprate them as these children either dying inside, or committing suicide as a result of the abuse and neglect recieved. It could speak of Columbine or other such incidents ("how have we taught children to play?") The last line is again a bit confusing to me, like something's missing in between. Do you mean the "someone" who cared when you speak of "they" in the final line? TD, I think this was a very good, poetic social commentary, all in all. I very much like your style of writing. The Lazy, Fiesty Marxist?, Kristine Thoughts of a dry brain in a dry season ~ T.S. Eliot |
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Craig Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 444 |
I liked this. Oh …….Sorry nearly forgot……I liked the way you ended each last line with a rhyme and ryhmed lines 2/3/4 in each verse. ( I thought you didn’t like the constrictions of set forms!! Or was that someone else ? ). I thought of a battered child after the opening, then of an alienated child left to fend for itself and finally a child lost. One suggestion, I thought the line ‘is unfair’ would read better ‘ is so unfair’, it just seems to even it up with the corresponding lines in the previous verses. Thanks for the read. Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool: But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet. |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
hi there,firstly terima kasih(TQ in Malay)for reading my poem "a war victim's tragedy"... okie, for the recond, i am new to poetry and there are still many things i don't know...so most of the time i just follow my heart when analyzing... your 1st stanza i intrepreted this as-- there are a lot of happy families out there that these children know of and hope to be in...that's from the line "why give a child a reason to pray?" "hope, hope, a teasing word"l loved this cos to me, it implied how cruel having false 'hopes' can be. Forgive me but i thought that the inclusion of the idea of "battered mouths" was rather too sudden and should have included in the 1st paragraph(if possible)it's a great line but it sort of lost some of its impact on me cos it's like "what am i reading about battered mouths all of a sudden" the 3rd stanza, my reaction was the same as joanna's--i too thought that it meant a nooze that children swing from. BTW, what did u mean by your last line of this stanza? the 4th stanza the idea of "hanging children" is a bit vague for me(the children don't have happy families,they don't have any hopes left,so how do they deal with it?) you responded with "hanging children" which made me go "huh,so what"---or is that line left to the imagination of the reader? all in all.it's a great poem(i'm not buttering you up so that u will give me better reviews!!!)and i only hope this comments of such a greenhorn as i am do help u make this a better one..")  pls do read "betrayal"--my other poem if u can spare the time cos jenni has offered some very interesting insights and i hope to know what other people think..TQ |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Trevor, You've got a great mood going on here. The rhymes and line length give it a sing songey feel that contrasts the images nicely (but I know and you know I've seen you do this very well before). But the image of a hanging child is too strong -- you've lost my suspension of disbelief and why I didn't say 'so what', I just didn't believe. It's like your trying to pull my emotions by grabbing a chain, wrapping it around me, and dragging me five miles with your truck. Now, you may indeed enjoy doing this to me but it's not all that fun for me. I think a more subtle double image would work more effectively here. Just an opinion, Brad |
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Ron
Administrator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-05-19
Posts 8669Michigan, US |
I like the structure, and I think you've used it effectively to create a growing sense of helplessness. I don't read the theme as one of physical suicide, but rather as one of spiritual murder - which makes the sense of helplessness an appropriate emotion to evoke. Unfortunately, I think you've stretched the parody/metaphor of "children swinging" too far. If you removed the imagery of hanging, while still leaving the title intact, I think it would be both more subtle and more effective. Personally, I would remove the third stanza entirely (where I also feel you're guilty of a bit of forced rhyme), and change the word "hanging" to "swinging" in the final stanza (both emphasizing title and theme, and giving the poem a circular feeling). Like Craig, I think the line "is unfair" in the final stanza breaks your structure, not only in meter, but also in construction (other stanza don't include a verb). But I don't agree adding a qualifier is the way to go (it fixes the meter, but not the construction, and it's a weak qualifier). My suggestion, though, might be deemed to change the meaning (or add to it): Life, life/a gift unfair. All in all, Trevor, a subject worthy of exploration and a pretty good read. |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello everyone, Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. Joanna: "Tell me if I'm way off here Trevor, but is this piece of yours about children and suicide? " Yes ma'am. Originally I was going to have it more of a summer time poem and be about children swinging from a tire swing. You were actually on the mark with all your interpretations, that is pretty much what I was trying to say with this poem. Thanks and take care. Kris: How'dy. "I feel it is the former, and that "silent story" depicts the neglect." I was trying to say that the family hides the abuse that is going on within this fake picture perfect Rockwell'ian type of family. "The last line is again a bit confusing to me, like something's missing in between. Do you mean the "someone" who cared when you speak of "they" in the final line?" I meant "they" as in the children who commit suicide. They just wanted somone, anyone, who seemed like they gave a damn but could not find anyone like this. Thanks Kris and take care....you fiesty left wing junkie Craig: Thanks for catching the "is unfair" thing and pointing it out. "I thought you didn’t like the constrictions of set forms!! Or was that someone else ?" Nope that was me....still don't really like set forms but then again I also said that the reason I don't like them is probably because I don't understand enough about them....I'm trying to change that though. Thanks for your input and take care. Kaile: "i intrepreted this as-- there are a lot of happy families out there that these children know of and hope to be in...that's from the line "why give a child a reason to pray?" Yep, basically I was saying why give a child reason to want a better home-life. ""what am i reading about battered mouths all of a sudden" I tried to eleviate the suddeness of "battered mouths" with the line before it, "that’s beaten, bruised and sounds absurd" but perhaps a more subtle word rather than "battered" may be needed? Thanks for your comments and take care. Brad: "But the image of a hanging child is too strong -- you've lost my suspension of disbelief and why I didn't say 'so what', I just didn't believe." Yeah I think I agree with you Ron and kaile who touched on that fact as well. I think it lacks a bit of subtlety. "It's like your trying to pull my emotions by grabbing a chain, wrapping it around me, and dragging me five miles with your truck. Now, you may indeed enjoy doing this to me but it's not all that fun for me." Aw, come'on....you can admit that sounds like a little bit'o'fun  How about if I get you juiced up on gin first? Thanks for your comments Brad, o'wise one talk to ya later.Ron: "Personally, I would remove the third stanza entirely (where I also feel you're guilty of a bit of forced rhyme), and change the word "hanging" to "swinging" in the final stanza (both emphasizing title and theme, and giving the poem a circular feeling)." ....I thought I was guilty of forced rhyme the whole way through . I like your idea of perhaps chopping out the the third and bringing swinging down to the next stanza. Think I will try one more revision of that stanza and if that fails then I'll most likely hack it off."My suggestion, though, might be deemed to change the meaning (or add to it): Life, life/a gift unfair." Racked my brain to try and find a decent word other than "gift" but in the end I think gift is the best fit. Thanks for taking the time to comment Ron, good luck with the cards....please...whatever you do....don't put the deed to this place on the table Thank you all again for taking the time to read and respond to this poem. You all had some great suggestions. Take care, Trevor |
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