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Critical Analysis #1
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Fallen Angels
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Fallen Angels |
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
I've seen the things that live in the night lurking about in abysmal Shadows crimson eyes, that radiate ravenous delight with each deadly, stealthy step -shying away from the sanctified Light waiting for some prey, -an innocent- to fall into their depraved clutches dragging it to those icy Shadows devouring body, spirit, and soul, wallowing in the lust and glory of the blood and the screams and the cries -an orgy of guiltless pleasure- and when there's nothing left to condenm they move on, -only leaving fuel for the eternal Fire- taking their unquenchable hunger, still lurking in those deslolate Shadows. [This message has been edited by rich-pa (edited 02-10-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 rich cooper - All Rights Reserved | |||
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merely_a_jester Member
since 2000-01-14
Posts 67Arkansas... that's all you get |
nice imagery quite dark i'm quite the horror genre fan so this appealed to me  let's just say "i like" Aspiring to be Gods, if Angels fell, Aspiring to be Angels, Men rebel; Alexander Pope |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hello Rich: Is this some wild vampire lurking in the shadows or what? I love vampire stories (until Buffy the Vampire Slayer came around ... don't get me wrong ... Buffy's cute and all but I suspect Bram Stoker is wishing he was undead by now so he could right things). There is one big thing I didn't like about this. It was a tease. All I saw of the evil thing was its "crimson eyes". What about its teeth? Did it have claws? Mangy hair? "I've seen the things that live in the night lurking about in the shadows" I thought after your opener that you were going to tell me what you saw. I want to know by this time. I get the impression that there is something terrible out there and I am dying to know what it looks like. After all, you saw it. Why do you tease me so?  "crimson eyes that glow with delight with each deadly stealthy step" Okay ... "crimson eyes". I know it's evil now. But the "crimson eyes" may be an overdone thing. Kinda a stereotype or cliche to describe something supernaturally evil. Red is a wonderful color, though. There are so many things that are red that you could use here. Glittering rubies, hellfire, etc., etc. "Eyes of hellfire burning with delight" ... something like that. "-shying away from the light waiting for some prey," Suggests a vampire or some other viscious undead creature. "any prey to fall into their clutches dragging it to the shadows devouring body, spirit, and soul," Devouring body alone and I could almost believe this was a natural beast. Again, I want to know more about the thing that can also devour spirit and soul. One question: What is the difference between a spirit and a soul? "glorifying in the lust and glory of the blood and the screams and the cries" You use "glorifying" and "glory" in the same sentence. Perhaps "glorifying in the lust and reveling in the blood and screams and cries." "-an orgy of guiltless pleasure- and when there's nothing left to desecrate they move on," What are they!!! "taking their unquenchable hunger still lurking in the shadows." Rich, you paint the beginnings of an interesting picture here. But you end up being too vague to inspire much horror in me. I like to be scared as much as the next guy. The violence is certain a scary thing but it is nothing I haven't read before. You must have a picture in your mind of the evil things that pounced on their prey. Describe them in horrifying detail. Get a good thesarus and describe the eyes, the hair, the teeth, the smells, the sounds, the evil pall in the air as best you can. I would love to read something like this. You have an excellent idea. Now the challenge is to build on it and make it an excellent story. Be original and be descriptive. Description can be overdone but, in my opinion, overdone description is better than underdone description. Later. Nice to meet you, btw. Look forward to reading more of your work. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
jbouder that's the thing yo, these horrifying things can't be discribed in more detail, they are no creatures or monsters. there is a difference between spirit and soul, your spirit is the part of you that makes decision and is conscience in this world, your soul is the part fo you that goes to heaven (or hell)(it's part of catholic doctrine) i wasn't trying so much to scare as make a message, no monster such as vampires or wolves can devour your soul. think about it, that's what i'm going for, it's not a monster, got any ideas on making that more clear? thanks for the tip about using glory twice though i didn't see that rich-pa |
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
well it is a monster just not in the typical sense |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Ahhh. With some hints ([Roman] Catholic doctrine) I think I've got it. Could the read eyed creature be a metaphor for sin that corrupts the soul and damns it to eternal punishment? "think about it, that's what i'm going for, it's not a monster, got any ideas on making that more clear?" Assuming that you are talking about sin or Satan or demons or something like that, you may want to start by giving us a hint of what you are talking about in your title. Drop a few hints here and there that you are not talking about some actual monster lurking in the darkness but, rather, that you are talking about sin. "Missing the mark", "falling from grace", and similar phrases will hint of a far more subtle (and real) beast than some creature out of fantasy. Just a suggestion. Jim |
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
you have done very well, i commend you, thanks for the advice, let me see what i can do with it...um, can i edit my poem?...i'm kinda new here rich-pa |
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
how's that jbouder? |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Rich: It certainly clarifies things. And please call me Jim ... only my mother calls me jbouder. "Light", "Shadows", and "Fire" and the new title, of course ("Fallen Angels") make your original intent much clearer. But these are all very common images. What kind of light? How dark were the shadows? Were the shadows cold or just dark? Creepy or did they just make it hard to see? Because of the subject matter of you poem I already know the answers to these questions but if you want me to remember this poem next week you are going to have tweak the language a bit. Give it some punch.You seem to have a knack for the ominous, though. Keep it up. Remember, the more vivid the description, the better. Gotta go now. It's past my bedtime. I look forward to reading your next post. Later. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
how's that, jim? |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Rich: Email me at "jbouder@excite.com" and we can "talk" at greater length about this. The description is better, by the way. I think the next step is rhythm. I like "abysmal" and "ravenous". "Sanctified" means "set apart for a purpose" and I am not so sure that was what you meant to say. Like I said, email me and we can work through this together. Jim |
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