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Critical Analysis #1
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gypsyqlt
Member
since 2000-02-08
Posts 147
Bradford,Vt USA

0 posted 2000-02-10 05:02 PM


NEXT TIME

When all you know is anger
and the good days just won't come,
you wrap your heart around the fear.
I know you're not the one.

For me, I need compassion, gentle murmurs in the night.
A man who FEELS is real to me! Your way just isn't right.

Next time I want a true man
with some insight, one who's whole.
Not a man who's too afraid to love and lose control.
One who lives in many colors,
from emotion feels no dread.

Not a man who hides his love unless he's in my bed !
A man who cries at movies-in happiness or pain.

A man who will not share himself-

I NEVER want again !


Jocelyn Galvano Pickett 2/9/2000

© Copyright 2000 Jocelyn Galvano-Pickett - All Rights Reserved
merely_a_jester
Member
since 2000-01-14
Posts 67
Arkansas... that's all you get
1 posted 2000-02-10 08:20 PM


very authoritative
you conveyed your feelings on the subject very well
i noticed a smattering of rhymes, but they seem to be unconsious, so they don't really detract from the poem, i think
i'm not the best critiquer, so i'll just leave it at that
keep up the good work

 Aspiring to be Gods, if Angels fell,
Aspiring to be Angels, Men rebel;

Alexander Pope

Joanna T. Lopez
Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 33
El Paso, Texas
2 posted 2000-02-11 02:37 PM


Hey Joceyln,

First and foremost welcome to CA! I have no nickname when I submit my stuff, I just go by Joanna T. simple enough.  Lady, let me tell you I searched back and forth above and beyond last night, wanted to share w/my other half that exceptionally hot piece you submitted prior to this one. Good thing I did'nt find it, my other little halfs were pitter patting around would of had to lock them in the closet so my big other half and I could, how shall I put this, get down, I mean lay down and take a nap.  Apparently it affected alot of the fellow writers this way, so as far as telling you what I thought about it, It's been said.

In regards to this piece, I am quite partial to this style of writing, for much of my works are written in the same manner and taste.  I think that so many of us have been in this situation (male & female) and I also like to think that as we age we become wiser and therefore can make better judgement in selecting our connecting half.
As far as the type of man you described in this piece well I know a man as such and he's 15 years my other half.  One must not get discouraged though, for I can honestly say, there are many more out there (male & female) who have a heart hold true, a heart of gold.

Two things in this piece that I did'nt really feel were necessary and that was your all caps on "FEELS" and "NEVER".  Your point is relayed well with out the caps. This is just my opinion, and it reads fine w/caps but I still think they were unnecessary.

See Ya on the next read, Chow,
Joanna T.

[This message has been edited by Joanna T. Lopez (edited 02-11-2000).]

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