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Critical Analysis #1
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Ok Boys, be gentle, i'm new in town...
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Ok Boys, be gentle, i'm new in town... |
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gypsyqlt Member
since 2000-02-08
Posts 147Bradford,Vt USA |
OUR POWERFULL SONG Through gentle words and slight of hand you owned my soul, you took command of all of me. Right from the start possessed my body, owned my heart. Your tender love, if at first shy- it rocked my world. It made me cry. There were those nights of fervent heat. The air was cool, our love was sweet. But only for a little while. Then passion came ! Too hot to touch. I never thought i'd love so much ! Your eyes devoured me to my core. Your tongue touched me as never before. Your hands caressed me like a glove. Your arms engulfed in a circle of love. You filled me with your white-hot fire. I wrapped around you with desire! My body trembled, weak, yet strong ! I prayed it would last all life long ! My eyes bore deep into your soul ! My tongue raced over you, tasting more ! My hands held you like never before! My legs reached for the skies above , as you filled me with your massive love ! Our bodies trembled, weak, yet strong. As we made love, our powerfull song. Jocelyn Galvano-Pickett 2/8/2000 |
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| © Copyright 2000 Jocelyn Galvano-Pickett - All Rights Reserved | |||
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
whoa... pretty hot stuff here. i liked it, but at the same time i can't really offer a fair critique because i am some what jaded against love presently. i do think that the rhyme took away from it, and that longer lines should be used for the foreplay, and shorter ones for the passion. the last part worked well that way, because you could feel the surges in the lines, but short lines for the foreplay suggest someone sort of rushing into it. i also didn't too much care for the use of words like "soul", because they are often used as platitudes in poetry. when you read a love poem, you can almost expect that. and a poem about love-making, that is almost a sure bet that there'll be a "soul" or "heart", which i have to commend you for not using. anyways, interesting poem, although it depressed me. obviously you have a lot of talent to offer. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Gypsy: Whew. Is it hot in here? Actually, Gypsy, this one is borderline appropriate to me for this particular forum. I won't move this one to the Adult Forum but that is not to say that another Moderator won't think this too steamy for here. This is not a slam, I just wanted to give you a heads-up regarding our policies. That said ... I would echo much of what Roxanne noted in her critique. The longer lines seem more appropriate at the beginning, considering the subject matter, gradually diminishing in length as the intensity of the subject increases. I think that would improve the effect of the poem well. The rhyme is okay to me but seemed a little forced in places. This is probably why Roxanne suggested dropping the rhyme. Also, phrases like "rocked my world" is a little cliched. Otherwise, I agree with Roxanne that you seem to have a good bit of talent to offer. I look forward to reading your next post. Next time, though, try not to make me sweat so much.  Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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gypsyqlt Member
since 2000-02-08
Posts 147Bradford,Vt USA |
Well now, that wasn't so bad ! Thanks for the kindness, all. Roxane, I'm pretty fed up with love right now too, sorry if you got depressed reading this. I love the rhyme, but agree that the lines didn't flow as smoothly as they could have. Agree 100% with the use of "soul" and "rocked my world". I write as I post, sometimes I get lazy. Not too bad for first draft, though. Think i'll rework it. Also, I don't think I realized that Critical analysis was not also adult ! I Do have some stuff I wrote when not in "Piggy Girl" mode. LOL Thanks much, Jocelyn |
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Drucilla Junior Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 14 |
Gypsy, WOW!!! I had to turn up the AC in here!  I liked it. I did think though that at times it did not flow. I think that you should either make it all rhyme or make none of it rhyme. With rhume, the words create a tempo and when I think that it disorients the reader when that tempo is broken. It gives it a choppy feel. It is simply something to think about. Drucilla |
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
I can only echo what was said heretofore...lose the rhyme. That took a lot away from it. I liken it to "Dr. Suess Sings A Song About Being Hot And Bothered". "Rocked my World" is just wrong. The exclamation points are probably meant as, if you'll pardon the pun, a "climax" of sorts, but I think if you changed the structure at the end there, you could handle it a lot better (perhaps without the "Star Spangled Banner" ending that currently exists). Also, I'm not a huge fan of repetition like that (frequently in a small space), but some others may like it--it's personal preference, of course. Well, welcome to the neighborhood, and I'll surely see you around. Wordshaman |
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gypsyqlt Member
since 2000-02-08
Posts 147Bradford,Vt USA |
Wordshaman, Go ahead, Babe, don't be shy. Tear me apart already !LOL I've gotta say again, I love the rhyme. Maybe it was all those years of reading Seuss to my kids ! I love to write rhyme, AND read it . Feel free to suggest any rhyme-y poems to me that others have written. Thanks for the comments....Oh, and we've already established the fact that I should be stoned in the village square for my use of "rocked my world", remember, I wrote this on here, as I posted !LOL Jocelyn |
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