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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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BSC
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-02-04
Posts 2919New York, USA |
The sunlight pierces a prism -- Creating a kalidescope of colors that dance from window to wall Darting quickly from place to place as a hummingbird finding nectar As if hypnotized....a feeling of pure enchantment peace.....serenity Suddenly, from out of nowhere, raw anger The prism now an explosion of crystal - peace...shattered, replaced with shards of jagged glass Words...spoken without thought.......sting.... burn...flowing as quickly to the heart - as hot lava down a mountain How long before the life will return....... Soft, warm breezes....whispering gently....... Apologies, forgiveness...serenity returns in the form of your arms...embracing me |
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| © Copyright 2000 Bonnie Church - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Man I loved this poem. It's so awesome!!!!!!!! |
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BSC
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-02-04
Posts 2919New York, USA |
Thanks Trevor, I'm still kind of new to this so I appreciate your kind words.... |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello BSC, First off I apoligize for my critique, it wasn't an honest reply but rather part of a large example to help illustrate a point I'm trying to make. If you're interested in knowing about a discussion going on here at CA then check out Patchoulipumpkin's poem called "Coffee" for an update an a better understanding of why I posted a critique the way I did. If you have a chance perhaps you could even offer your opinion/suggestion on the discussion going on in "Coffee". Now for my real opinion of your poem. I try to be blunt and honest so please don't take my critique as an attack on you but rather an opinion of a poem. Okay here goes: I found this poem to be too vague in some parts and awkwardly worded. Also, now this just is my pet peeve in poetry, I found the "....."s (I forget the tech term) really distracting and unnecessary, if its line breaks your going for and pause then perhaps consider using commas or line breaks to create this. "The sunlight pierces a prism -- Creating a kalidescope of colors that dance from window to wall" The opening two lines seem okay (except for the "--" thing) but still it was kind of bland in my opinion. Consider adding a little more description...perhaps what were the colors and how forceful the sunlight pierced the prism. "Darting quickly from place to place as a hummingbird finding nectar" I thought you might have been able to condense this line a bit...maybe something like, "Like a hummingbird darting between flowering nectar", just a suggestion that might give ya ideas for change if you feel change is needed. "As if hypnotized....a feeling of pure enchantment peace.....serenity" Ohhhh those "...."s!!!  I've never been hypnotized nor have I ever been in a state of pure enchanting peace and serenity so I can't relate. Perhaps consider expanding on the descriptions so the reader can get a better "feel" to what ya mean. "Suddenly, from out of nowhere, raw anger" In my opinion "out of nowhere" and "raw anger" aren't very descriptive. Does "raw anger" really explain raw anger very accurately. Perhaps this line is too vague. "The prism now an explosion of crystal - peace...shattered, replaced with shards of jagged glass" What was the explosion like? Perhaps consider elaborating more. "Words...spoken without thought.......sting.... burn...flowing as quickly to the heart - as hot lava down a mountain" I thought the description of lava flowing down a mountain really didn't fit as an accurate analogy of hurtful words immediately causing damage. "How long before the life will return....... Soft, warm breezes....whispering gently....... Apologies, forgiveness...serenity returns in the form of your arms...embracing me" Your original description of a good life seemed to be of dancing colors and now you refrenced it with soft breezes instead of these dancing lights. Consider wrapping up the poem with a reference to your original theme because your ending seemed out of place. Also "Soft, warm breezes whispering gently" is pretty cliched. Well that's that, in all honesty I'm not able to tell you I love this but this is only my opinion, but thank you for sharing your poem with my and I do look forward to reading more of your work in the future, thanks, take care, Trebor *******Well I just edited my critique cause I missed the last line on with the cut and paste. The ending seemed to wrap up a little better than before but I still feel that the "soft, warm breezes" description didn't fit. Thanks again. [This message has been edited by Trevor (edited 02-09-2000).] |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
BSC thought of the babysittter's club when i saw that.... i like the second part of this poem, with the scattered thoughts, the anger. that seems more realistic than finding thsi great solace in someone's arms, but all things can't be entirely realistic. you have this excellent description of tranquility and one of intense confused anger, but i don't think there's enough of an explanation behind it. maybe you could offer us that. i think it's a great start though. |
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Drucilla Junior Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 14 |
BCS, Your poem touched me on an explainable level. I loved the choppyness of it! "The prism now an explosion of crystal -- peace .... shattered, replaced with jagged shards of glass Words .... spoken without thought .... sting .... burn" They read like thoughts (but I am sure that is what you intended ) It works wonderfly in this piece.Drucilla |
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BSC
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-02-04
Posts 2919New York, USA |
Thanks for all of the feedback. This was my first attempt at this type of poetry, guess I've got a lot to learn, but, that's why I'm here. |
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