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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
I stood with my best friend's girlfriend sitting on the couch next to me, Stroking her hair as she quietly cried In the middle of the night. See, she thought she could do it, But couldn't when it came down to it. She looked up and apologized, And couldn't imagine why. I looked at her, barely born tears in her eyes. I stood there forever. "This has to end tonight," I said, Angry that the words should be spoken And the spells we had should be broken. All she could say was that she was sorry. [This message has been edited by Wordshaman (edited 02-10-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Greg Butler - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Hi again WS (missed you) This is an amazing poem for one main reason It says very little about what is happening NOW and everything about what happened BEFORE. It kind of reminds me of the radio plays that we have over here (on BBC radio - yes Jim public radio horror of horrors  , they are quite excellent because they make you fill in the "unseen" detail with your imagination and you end up with a far more satisfying experience than the force fed other-conceived rubbish that the TV often spouts.The same effect happens when i read this piece. I feel i'm seeing the closing few seconds of a traumatic drama maybe that has been going on for hours or possibly over months ... my imagination supplies the early part of the story .. and I'm not tellin' what it supplies ............ short and great .. thanks Philip (was that enough Trevor ? )[This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 02-08-2000).] |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
Very smooth, it says alot without quite saying everything. Philip, quit picking on Trevor. Cap. "Can you identify yourself sir?" Asks Hawkeye. Pointing to himself the man says, "This is me!!" Now how can you argue with that?  < !signature--> Cap. Carg. [This message has been edited by captaincargo (edited 02-08-2000).] |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
wordshaman-- i liked this one, too, especially the way you deal with really complex emotions and emotional situations in such simple, beautiful language. "barely born tears in her eyes" is a great line, very well done, and your last three lines are really great. one thing i was confused about, though; in the first line the speaker is standing, but then in the next line you say the girl is sitting on the couch next to him and he's stroking her hair. is the guy sitting or standing? other than that i thought the piece was excellent. thanks for a great read. jenni |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Words, This was one of the better pieces I've read of yours, and they are always good, so... Very emotional. I got the picture of the guy standing, stroking the girl's hair as she sat on the couch crying, with her head down. Very good imagery, using simple language...the best way to do it, in my opinion. Good rhythym...didn't stumble over a thing., and what I loved was what Philip mentioned ...that it filled your mind with all that likely happened before. Very nice read, Words (I hope you don't mind me calling you that), Kris If I can ease one life the aching, Or cool one pain,... I shall not live in vain - Emily Dickinson |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Gosh darn it this was good! |
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
Hey Trevor--don't use me to make your statements, please. Leave the whole "Coffee" discussion where it lies. Wordshaman |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Wordshaman, Sorry for using yours and everyone else's poetry as an example but I felt it necessary to really drive home the point I was trying to make about critiquing. But if you feel that the discussion in coffee has maybe helped raised the standards of critiques then maybe you shouldn't feel too upset about my short critique. But like I said I do understand how this might have ticked off a few people....so I do apoligize. "I stood with my best friend's girlfriend sitting on the couch next to me," Found "stood" "sitting" confusing, you said you are standing with a woman who is sitting on the couch next to me. Now were you trying to convey that you were standing beside the couch that she was sitting on. Consider rewording to give a clearer picture. Maybe something like: "My best friend's girlfriend cried sitting on the couch next to me" Maybe use the "cried" from the next line here instead? Just a suggestion. "Stroking her hair as she quietly cried In the middle of the night. See, she thought she could do it, But couldn't when it came down to it." Good solid stanza but I'd consider omitting the "See,", seemed to say "I'm telling ya a story" a little too much. Sometimes its better to let the reader fall into the story without reminding them that you are telling them one. "She look up and apologized, And couldn't imagine why. I looked at her, barely born tears in her eyes." Another good solid section, I really liked the "barely born tears", good description that I don't think I've heard before. "I stood there forever." Consider using a different word than "forever", though it can add more drama to a line, it's still kinda overused. ""This has to end tonight," I said, Angry that the words should be spoken And the spells we had should be broken. All she could say was that she was sorry." I liked the wrap up of the poem and I liked the way you only really gave the answer at the end, good use of climactic(sp?) buildup. I also like the short tempo change with the rhyming on the second and third last lines...though I had to read them a couple of times to enjoy. Anyways, good poem so I guess "Gosh darn it this was good!" wasn't too far off the mark , take care,Trevor |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
WS, I liked this piece. I had to read it a couple of times to fully absorb. That's not your fault, I'm just a slow reader. I wasn't bothered by the opening where you (or your speaker) is standing and she is sitting beside. I think most of us (if we will admit it to ourselves) have at some time experienced or at least known of such a situation. So itreally does have personal meaning. I agree with Kris that, to me anyway, this is one of the best pieces I have seen from you. And I have to agree with Jenni in appreciating the way you dealt with a complex situation in simple language. But, this is CA and I think I have spotted a typo. Should the last stanza start out with She look[ed] up and apologized instead of look? Also, I think this one deserves a title. Thanks. < !signature--> Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 02-10-2000).] |
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
Well, Not A Poet caught a typo, I was shown that not everyone can read the beginning properly (not to their discredit, of course), and I got some suggestions. All in all, yes, the level of critiquing is getting better. Warily, I thank you, Trevor. As for the title...it's still a topic too recent in my mind to give it a title--that will come later, with some emotional distance. Wordshaman |
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faith Member
since 2000-01-31
Posts 89 |
Gosh ....that was good!:+) U r real good ..post more of yer poems!Could certainly use a pointer or two! faith! |
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