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cheryl cook
Junior Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 12


0 posted 2000-02-08 02:19 AM


Quiet Silencer

Tuck me into your arms
and lay me down to sleep
hold me still to hear me breathe
a copy of your rise and fall.
Run warm fingers down my spine
let your lips move
whispering comfort
to my head.
Butterfly lashes kiss the night
trusting so deeply in you,
hot flesh cool cotton
soothe my fears away.
A shudder through my body
an unconscious fear awakes.
You murmur and stroke my skin
differences obsolete.
Let me absorb into you,
let my terror release.
Tuck me into your arms
and fall me fast asleep,
press your lips against my eyes,
my butterfly lashes
kiss your mind.
Breathe deeply
for you are my
hush me.


Cheryl Cook


© Copyright 2000 cheryl cook - All Rights Reserved
jenni
Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478
Washington D.C.
1 posted 2000-02-08 09:41 AM


cheryl--

mmmm, what a nice poem you have here, i really enjoyed this, soft and sensuous with a beautiful tone and sound.  "let your lips move / whispering comfort / to my head" is a nice set of lines, and i absolutely love "for you are my / hush me", very, very nice.  

"differences obsolete" i wasn't too crazy about, but they are both such soft sounding words i guess they work.  "terror" a few lines further down i think is a misstep, a little over the top, in my opinion; terror, to me, is something truly, truly awful, a whole 'nuther league from plain old fear, and reading that the speaker of the poem here has "terrors" in her sleep made me think (a) she's exaggerating, or (b) she's had some horrible experience in the past that we don't know about.  but if it's a horrible experience, then the piece becomes, in my opinion, a tiny bit less accessible to, or more distant from, the reader.  i think the "unconscious fear" works well enough here, it's something everyone can relate to anyway.  you may have been just trying to find a different way of saying 'let my fear release', and i can understand not wanting to repeat the word fear, but terror's just a little much, in my opinion; the spin it puts on the "backstory" (as they say in hollywood) becomes a little distracting, in my opinion.  

i liked the repetition of the opening lines' style in the closing lines, especially after sleep has been disturbed; very well done.  (i liked "fall me fast asleep", too.)  

but the best thing here is the tone you create, all the soft sounding words like arms, sleep, still, breathe, rise, fall, lips, whispering, comfort, lashes, kiss, trusting, deeply, flesh, shudder, murmur, stroke, skin, differences, obsolete, absorb, release, fall, fast, asleep, press, and just about every word in your final five lines.  there's at least one of these words in virtually every line.  ("tuck" repeated near the end perhaps, in this sense, could be replaced by something a little softer sounding, although "tuck me into your arms" as a phrase certainly works.)  your last line really leaves the reader (this reader, anyway), with such a quiet, soothing feel; very effective.  

anyway, very well done, cheryl, thanks for a beautiful and enjoyable read.  yeah, can ya tell i liked it?  lol  

jenni

[This message has been edited by jenni (edited 02-08-2000).]

Poertree
Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359
UK
2 posted 2000-02-08 11:50 AM


Well Cheryl I tried to get to this before anyone else but my friend Jenni got to you first and more or less said all the things I had written in a much better way .... lol

Anyway here we go with my comments unedited for Jenni's critique:

This poem had a beautiful "soft" feel to it, it really appealed to me, so soothing and comforting to read even on a Tuesday morning in the office.  It was this overall ambience which stood out for me.  There were however some particularly nice images:
  
"hold me still to hear me breathe
a copy of your rise and fall."

This was just great, a perfect picture of two people lying together

"Run warm fingers down my spine"

~smile~

"Butterfly lashes kiss the night"

another soft almost sensuous image

At first I wasn't sure about the repetitions of "butterfly lashes" later in the poem, but now I actually think it works quite well as a kind of soothing echo.  

The change of tone after "A shudder" I wasn't too sure about, but I see what you are doing setting the scene for the fears to be soothed away.  The only thing I would say is that maybe you go just a little too far with the use of the word "terror" .... it just seems a little over the top.  It sort of wakes me up too much if you see what I mean .. and I'm not sure that the small amount of soothing that goes on after the terror is enough to dissipate it ..lol.

But let me repeat that I just loved the poem Cheryl .. very well done  

Philip

Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
3 posted 2000-02-09 04:19 PM


Wow, this poem really spoke to me!
cheryl cook
Junior Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 12

4 posted 2000-02-09 08:40 PM


thank you all for replying, and apon rereading it, i can see how "terror" is too harsh of a word.  I actually was trying to get at that the one being comforted did have a past that wasn't pleasent, and the simplicity of love and this person was enough to lull her, but i do see how it takes away from the poem.  Also, how it can distract the reader, every once and a while i suppose we need poetry without large underlying problems, that expresses joy in things simple like love(not that love is actually simple....wow..lol) but i am sure you understand what i mean.  thanks again for reading and taking the time to comment.
cheryl cook
Junior Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 12

5 posted 2000-02-09 09:35 PM


Trevor, i tend to pick up on "details" a friend once said, "heaven is in the details",
i consider that a wise friend.  My question for you is...why did you this poem spoke to you?  I am young and hooked up on people "practicing what they preach" and was intrigued by your complaint to others about making sure the expressed themselves better in there critiques.  You commented on both the poems i have posted in here, yet both were short, impersonal comments.  ~smile, i would apologize for the controveresy i show, but i think we would both know it would be a false apology.  I do not intend for this to be taken in an attaking sense though.

Drucilla
Junior Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 14

6 posted 2000-02-09 09:49 PM


This is such as soft and sweet poem.  Let me tell you, it left me longing for someone that soft and sweet!    "Butterfly lashes kiss the night" is my very favorite line in your peom.  It made my heart melt!  Bless you for writing such a beautifly phrased piece!

Drucilla


 

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