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A Collection
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A Collection |
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Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
Okay, here's the deal. A Collection isn't the title of this poem. This is literally, a collection. I'm creating a portfolio to send to Knox College in an attempt to get a creative writing scholarship their. I've picked out five poems I want to use. I've already posted two up here recently, and here are the other three. Even just feedback on one of these would be of great help to me. And just think, without your help, I could not get the scholarship, not go to my number one college of choice, be unhappy for the rest of my life, and choose not to take my place as benevolent ruler of all (especially Canada, since they're so misuderstood). *grins* You guys wouldn't want that to happen, would you? Okay, there's enough here to read without me babbling on, so with a thanks in advance and no further ado, poetry!! The Last Nights of Summer The whirling neon-pink disc flits in and out of the shadows of another suburbian twilight while far below the rows of fickle streetlamps illuminate our return to childhood. With a sweeping insanity, the game is played under care-free skies filled with the infinite possibilities of more until we become lost within the waves of a two-gallon jug of life. And there we remain afloat, dancing away our nights beneath summer's full moons and tempting the fates of tomorrow from the sugary straits of tonight until the nearing dawn arrives and sends us scurrying down our separate trails. ------------------------------------------- No Connection I watch as the best people I know are ripped away from their world, no chances to say goodbye, voices lost in far away places. Seeing the sky from a bedroom window, wondering what I could do for those lost people, or if they are gone forever. Cold, alone in a strange place, no one to comfort him, me. Two souls, across vast distances striving to connect over busy lines One time is all that's asked for, and if it happens, what to say? No one else is with me in the building, they all left long ago, as if I'm the one holding the key, supposed to lock up. Maybe I don't have the key, but I have the job to do. -------------------------------------------- Midwestern Roadside Longings I-70 Out in the middle of our great plains there's a stretch of highway that's never known hills, but just in the distance over the curve of the land, the rolling grasslands begin. It's a lonely country there where the bluegrass knows everything about you from the nights of solitary driving. I know about these plains and they know about me and this stretch of highway will always bear east and west into great hills, but it still must pass through this lonely place where everyone meets themselves. K177 Everyone always tells me they wanna get out of this little place in the middle of nowhere. There ain't no life in this state. 80 mph across the plains with the sun caressing the red grass that grows out there where everyone wants to get away from. That's where the life is. Still, it's so lonely and I know why, but I just wanna stay and revel in the tragic nature of this whole forlorn state. US 75 There are satellites in the sky and if I look up at just the right moment 185 miles south- southwest of the big town I can see them float over the vast prairies as they thank God they're up there in outer space, best place for cold steel to live. And sometimes the moon, full of a soft midnight glow, will come out & I can just smile and it can just smile back and then maybe all my dreams'll come true or at least just one. US 54 The mornings after are always the worst, after the whole night's been up wailing its blues like an all night San Francisco Kerouacian fairy tale and I'm the only one that heard it and you're back somewhere else. US 69 Just let me take to the roads a while cause the pavement's a soothsayer and what it's telling I can hear sometimes if I listen just right and really want to. It ain't just everywhere a car can go 300 miles w/o seeing a soul or a turn but still seem to get it all. But those roads keep their futures like secrets & when I get back the words are never there. But neither are you. K57 An empty pay phone, the first place my family's past remembers working. An old dying town reserved for memories and colorless photos. The trees always fly by, but in the ghosts of a Midwestern past, slow and see it and smell the rolling hills and grasses. A graveyard sits on top of one more hill, its stone engravements old and weathered, the birds still singing, the Grand Army of the Republic still marching. I-35 Semis and rust and old yellow busses who don't carry children anymore all line the roads with their sad-eyed broken headlights to tell their stories. But southbound around the gentle curves is enough of a song for me. Carry me to my promised land, or maybe just a little junction of 2 lonesome roads where I can rest my weary feet awhile. I've been longing for too many years now, and I gotta sit down. I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. —Jack Kerouac |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Ryan, Let me start by saying these were very interesting. I liked the imagery and the word choices. Unfortunately I don't know much about free verse and don't really understand much of it. So the rest of this is just one opinion without any authority. For some reason, which I really can't explain, it seemed that they would be more effective written in a more prose-like format. I get the impression that you broke the lines on grammatical phrases rather than some poetic purpose. I don't mean this is necessarily bad, just that it didn't do much for me. As I said, this was an interesting and enjoyable read. I don't mean this to be a negative review, just a suggestion that you might try it in prose format. Thanks. And good luck on that scholarship BTW. I'd say, based on this, your chances should be pretty good. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
No pressure here, right Ryan?  It would be helpful to me to know what Knox College is looking for as their criteria for judging your writing. But not knowing is not an obsticle, it is merely a challenge, and it would not speak well of me to turn away from a challenge. Okay ... let's get started:The Last Nights of Summer "The whirling neon-pink disc flits in and out of the shadows of another suburbian twilight" In a summer twilight I have no problem picturing the "neon-pink disc" of the sun "flit[ing] in and out of the shadows" but I have difficulty picturing it "whirling". Perhaps I've misinterpreted what this neon-disc is and then there is always the possibility I have assumed the density of a rare earth element. "while far below the rows of fickle streetlamps illuminate our return to childhood." I like these lines. I assume the unspoken flickering of the streetlamps is part of what makes them seem "fickle". I also suspect the randomness of each streetlight's decision of WHEN to come on contributes to this fickleness as well. This was an excellent word choice, btw. "With a sweeping insanity, the game is played under care-free skies filled with the infinite possibilities of more until we become lost within the waves of a two-gallon jug of life." I liked these lines. I found that I liked the sound of "a two-gallon jug of life" but I can't put my finger on its meaning. Perhaps it refers the the "fullness" of life associated with these reminisces of childhood. "Insanity", however, has very negative connotation. I think "innocence" would fit nicely in its place. Only my opinion, though. If you are trying to paint a picture of a "Bacchal" (sp?) type revelry you may want to strengthen the images of "insanity" throughout the rest of the stanza. "And there we remain afloat, dancing away our nights beneath summer's full moons and tempting the fates of tomorrow from the sugary straits of tonight until the nearing dawn arrives and sends us scurrying down our separate trails." This raps things up beautifully. I wouldn't change anything here. ------------------------------------------- NEXT!!! No Connection "I watch as the best people I know are ripped away from their world, no chances to say goodbye, voices lost in far away places." Excellent opener. Both wording and sound communicate sadness with a hint of the turmoil associated with grief held in check ("ripped" is that hint for me). "Seeing the sky from a bedroom window, wondering what I could do for those lost people, or if they are gone forever." Again, excellent wording. I have no suggestions here. "Lost" seems to have many possibilities including, but not limited to, death. "Cold, alone in a strange place, no one to comfort him, me." This line suggests something besides "death" being the subject of this poem. "Two souls, across vast distances striving to connect over busy lines One time is all that's asked for, and if it happens, what to say?" Is this other "soul" a friend who has passed away or a friend who has moved away? Curiousity is eating me alive here! "No one else is with me in the building, they all left long ago, as if I'm the one holding the key, supposed to lock up. Maybe I don't have the key, but I have the job to do." Good, contemplative ending. Leaves a question in the mind of the reader as to what the "job to do" happens to be. I think this is good considering that I am not so certain that the speaker in the poem has a detailed job description in front of him either. -------------------------------------------- NEXT!!! Midwestern Roadside Longings "I-70 Out in the middle of our great plains there's a stretch of highway that's never known hills, but just in the distance over the curve of the land, the rolling grasslands begin. It's a lonely country there where the bluegrass knows everything about you from the nights of solitary driving. I know about these plains and they know about me and this stretch of highway will always bear east and west into great hills, but it still must pass through this lonely place where everyone meets themselves." This is one of the best descriptions of I-70 that I've read (especially from Topeka to Denver). Excellent imagery here. "K177 Everyone always tells me they wanna get out of this little place in the middle of nowhere." With good reason.  "There ain't no life in this state." Are you seriously going to send something with a double negative to a college? Just bringing this to your attention because there may be someone as pedantic as myself considering your work for the scholarship. If you think the double negative (and slang,for that matter) are intrigal to the poem then I would suggest keeping it. If you inserted it whimsically I would give its "should it stay or should it go" some careful consideration. "80 mph across the plains with the sun caressing the red grass that grows out there where everyone wants to get away from." Ending a sentence with "from" is a grammatical no-no. "...out there from where everyone wants to get away" would correct it grammatically but I don't like the sound. Maybe some rewording on your part would strengthen the ending of this line. "That's where the life is." The quiet, contemplative life ... agreed. "Still, it's so lonely and I know why, but I just wanna stay and revel in the tragic nature of this whole forlorn state." Maybe "Still, it's so lonely but, though I don't why, I just wanna stay..." I think this gives it a smoother flow. Again, only my opinion. "Forlorn" is an excellent word here, btw. "US 75 There are satellites in the sky and if I look up at just the right moment 185 miles south- southwest of the big town I can see them float over the vast prairies as they thank God they're up there in outer space, best place for cold steel to live." Excellent imagery. Night skies are so overdone in poetry. Your incorporation of the satelite into the picture remedied every prejudice that I have about poems describing night skies. Seriously, excellent lines."And sometimes the moon, full of a soft midnight glow, will come out & I can just smile and it can just smile back and then maybe all my dreams'll come true or at least just one." "full of a soft midnight glow" ... what is a midnight glow? Maybe try tying "glow" tighter to the full moon rather than to "midnight". Midnight is dark (usually) and a midnight glow is difficult to visualize unless you are witnessing the Aurora Borealis and I don't think you are. Maybe "the moon, full in its soft midnight glow". Again, just my opinion. "US 54 The mornings after are always the worst, after the whole night's been up wailing its blues like an all night San Francisco Kerouacian fairy tale and I'm the only one that heard it and you're back somewhere else." I haven't read Kerouac so some of the imagery is lost to me. From what I understand his writing often includes inner, personal revelry. Aside from that, all I can comment on is the sound of the line and that seems right on mark. A hint of disappointment in these lines was well executed. "US 69 Just let me take to the roads a while cause the pavement's a soothsayer and what it's telling I can hear sometimes if I listen just right and really want to." Excellent lines. "It ain't just everywhere a car can go 300 miles w/o seeing a soul or a turn but still seem to get it all. But those roads keep their futures like secrets & when I get back the words are never there." Again, excellent lines. No suggestions. "But neither are you." Nice touch. "K57 An empty pay phone, the first place my family's past remembers working." Good picture here. Tracing your roots ... finally some direction in you wanderlust! Seriously, throughout this whole cross country trip I've been taking with you here I have been wondering why you were driving so far. Was this just a detour to satisfy curiousity or was this the motivation of your trip?"An old dying town reserved for memories and colorless photos." I'm not sure "reserved" is the right word here. I get the feeling that you are trying to communicate that the dying town is but a shadow of what it was in the past. Perhaps building on that thought would strengthen these lines. "The trees always fly by, but in the ghosts of a Midwestern past, slow and see it and smell the rolling hills and grasses." Excellent lines. "A graveyard sits on top of one more hill, its stone engravements old and weathered, the birds still singing, the Grand Army of the Republic still marching." I get the idea that this old graveyard has become part of the landscape ... that it is supposed to be there inspite of the declining economic state of the surrounding towns. "I-35 Semis and rust and old yellow busses who don't carry children anymore all line the roads with their sad-eyed broken headlights to tell their stories." Busses THAT not busses WHO unless you are going for some personification/anthropomorphism here. If you are keep "who". "Sad-eyed" hints to me that you were going for the person./anthro. effect. "But southbound around the gentle curves is enough of a song for me." Good line. "Carry me to my promised land, or maybe just a little junction of 2 lonesome roads where I can rest my weary feet awhile." Consider dropping "awhile". I think ending with "weary feet" would leave a stronger impression on me. "I've been longing for too many years now, and I gotta sit down." My prior point regarding the "weary feet" would set the stage well for these final lines (well written and worded, btw). Thanks for the reads, Ryan. I think you have some winners here. Make sure you let us know WHEN you win that scholarship, okay? Look luck. "If judges not like Hulk's poetry, Hulk crush stupid judges! Pin-head judges Hulk smash!" You do that sooo much better than I do, btw. Later. Jim |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
hey ryan-- here's my thoughts on 'midwestern roadside longings', ok? i'll get to the other two later. throughout the entire piece, your imagery and tone is wonderful, especially the tone. "roadside longings" is right, the whole piece, every section, is imbued with longing, loneliness, and emptiness. you really do a great job of creating that feel for the reader and illustrating those emotions here. i'll just go down your different roads and tell ya what i liked and what i thought didn't work so well, ok? I-70: nice, solid beginning in the first 7 lines. the next set of lines-- It's a lonely country there where the bluegrass knows everything about you from the nights of solitary driving. I know about these plains and they know about me were ok in and of themselves, although i swear i've heard linesreally similar to that somewhere. "lonely" here i thought was a little obvious (and you repeat the word later in this section). but the next set of lines-- ... this stretch of highway will always bear east and west into great hills, but it still must pass through this lonely place where everyone meets themselves is great, i really liked this. all in all, a good opening here, establishing the theme and mood quite well. K177: this was my least favorite of the 'roads,' although i like the seeming contradiction in "there ain't no life in this state" and the red grass being where the life is. "that grows out there where everyone wants / to get away from" is a little awkward, i think you can rephrase this. the last stanza here seemed out of place somehow; there is a subtle change in tone. the speaker is suddenly this wise, slightly superior guy who wants to 'revel' or play in the tragic nature of the forlorn. this stanza is more in the voice of a pale little guy wearing a beret in a greenwich villiage cafe sounding off to a bunch of beatnik wannabes, rather than the voice of a person passing through "this lonely place where everyone meets themselves." US 75: stunning imagery here with the satellites thanking God, i really liked this. the moon "full of a soft midnight glow" (very nice phrase, that) and the dreaming was a bit of a letdown after the satellites, i gotta tell ya. US 54: this was great, probably the best 'road' in the bunch. really enjoyed every line here. US 69: really enjoyed this one, too, especially It ain't just everywhere a car can go 300 miles w/o seeing a soul or a turn but still seem to get it all. this really saved this part from drifting off to the stratosphere, lol. and let me comment here that i really like how the piece is getting deeper, a little more complicated, the more we go along; each road is a little poem that could stand on its own if it had to, but they're all connected. this is very well done, and i don't know if you're intending this or not, but it's almost like a set of directions to the speaker's literal and figurative home (take I-70, get off at the exit for K177, make a left on US 75, take that to US 54 till you get to US 69, head south to K57...) each road takes us a little deeper. this is really good stuff. K57: first stanza is good; "an empty pay phone" is a nice opener here for "the first place my family remembers working." the next stanza, "the trees always fly by" kind of bothers me, perhaps because this section really isn't grounded in the driving imagery like some of the others. the last stanza here is great, one of my favorites in the whole piece. beautifully done, and placed exactly where it should be. I-35: back to the interstate for the closing. your first stanza here is excellent, the best in the whole piece, i think. "sad-eyed / broken headlights" is such a great line, nice job there. "but southbound around the gentle curves is enough of a song for me" is also pretty great, simplicity and subtle sexual imagery all in one, very nice touch. i have to say, though, that i really didn't like the rest; "a little junction of two lonesome roads" is nice, i guess, but the whole notion, suddenly, of the speaker having to rest his feet and sit down, especially after DRIVING all this time, kind of felt out of place. (once you go down the road of a driving metaphor, i think you have to stick to it.) and "carry me to the promised land," even in a slightly cynical tone, just doesn't fit with the rest of the piece, i thought. the message, or summation, rather, in the final three lines i thought was way too 'pat' a way to end this interesting, complicated, and thought-provoking piece. you've really got a great "voice", especially in this piece, and in the other two as well (and others you've posted); i really love your style. i know if i was on the committee, i'd give you that scholarship in a minute, lol. anyway, there's my thoughts, i hope you find some of it helpful. email me (jenniferpatterso@yahoo.com) if you want, i'd love to talk about this further. and good luck on the scholarship! we're all pulling for ya. thanks for putting 'roadside longings' back up, i remember it from before but didn't get a chance to really look at it back then. jenni |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
hey ryan-- after posting my comments, i see jim's commented, too. let me add two things: the double negative in "ain't no life in this state" is great, i'd definitely keep it; it really contributes to the easy, deceptively simple tone, and adds a little edge. the college will understand; if they don't, you don't want to go to school there, lol. i also wouldn't change your phrase "the moon, full of / a soft midnight glow." jim asks, like the smart-aleck he is, lol, "what is a midnight glow?" the answer, jim, is "poetry." jenni |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Ryan: Don't let yourself be deceived by either her courtroom demeanor OR her short skirt, Ryan. I know it isn't easy but persevere, my friend! I'm not being a smart-aleck, btw, only trying to be helpful.Seriously, Jenni's observations and suggestions are not to be taken lightly (even if she is willing to define something like "poetry" as broadly as she has ... *Jim makes mental note to FEAR the day Jenni is considered for the US Supreme Court*). Later and, again, good luck with the scholarship. Jim Again, good luck. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Ryan I jusy don't care that Trevor's breathing down my neck .. lookin' over my shoulder .. whatever .. I just had to stop by and say .. I agree with most of what the previous to critics have said and when i have time I'll come back to this .. ... and to Jenni you don't honestly think you'll get away without a retort for that "poetry" comment do you ..lol Philip HA HA He got to it even faster than I could post ... "quick fingered Jim" ..lol [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 02-08-2000).] |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
ryan-- ok, here's my thoughts on "last nights of summer"... another really nice piece, here. i absolutely LOVE the image of playing frisbee in the twilight, i thought this was fantastic. The whirling neon-pink disc flits in and out of the shadows of another suburbian twilight "suburbian" here should perhaps be "suburban". while far below the rows of fickle streetlamps illuminate our return to childhood very nice set of lines establishing your mood and theme, very well done. With a sweeping insanity, the game is played under care-free skies filled with the infinite possibilities of more until we become lost within the waves of a two-gallon jug of life. i thought this was beautiful. "the infinite possibilities of more" is a nice phrase; brad got me disliking words like "infinite", but i think this works here. the "two-gallon jug of life" is great, conjures up for me images of homemade moonshine, getting drunk on life, a real down-to-earth feeling, and quite intoxicating, thrilling, fun, and a little dangerous. (hahaha, you can tell what i enjoyed as a teenager, lol.) And there we remain afloat, dancing away our nights beneath summer's full moons and tempting the fates of tomorrow from the sugary straits of tonight an interesting set of lines, here. the feel you've established here is great, the poem has movement, backwards and forwards and up and down, from the whirling game of frisbee, sweeping ever higher, getting lost in the moment and then floating there, the 'return' to childhood complete, yet all the while having an eye out ahead, recognizing that this won't last long; you're tempting tomorrow's fates, and it is wonderfully sweet, but you're in the straights, a narrow passage from one place to the next. quite poignant, and very well done again. until the nearing dawn arrives and sends us scurrying down our separate trails. nice ending, though i think maybe you can use a better, more evocative word than "scurrying" that carries with it the sense that something has been lost. i don't know, that's probably just my preference here. "down" in the final line is simply perfect, i hope you intended this, but the poem as a whole has a beautiful sweeping up and down arc, like the flight of a summer frisbee, and all in wonderful opposition to the setting and rising of the sun. all in all, an excellent job, and again you display that wonderful tone of longing here; well done. damn! the more i read the more i think knox college ain't good enough for you, ryan, lol. jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 02-08-2000).] |
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Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
Okay, well, I had really detailed responses and explanations and everything typed out, but then, poof, they vanished. I'm not in the mood to retype everything right now, so suffice it to say, I appreciate every comment I've gotten so far very much. Maybe later, I'll have a chance to type it all again. Well, thanks again, and bubye for now. Ryan I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. —Jack Kerouac |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Very creative! I loved it!!! |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
My first reading of this. See the big guns have already been here, but I ain't gonna read what they say yet. I'm going to print this out and take it home, 'cause I can't critique right from the hip, like some of these dudes. So just as a first impression, rapid reading, all that . . . only my 'umble personal opinion . . . "Midwestern Roadside Longings" may be the best damned extended piece I've seen yet in Passions. I hope the critiquers don't make you change too much of it (but they won't, I usually share this particular gang's tastes.) I'll find this and that to try to intude my personally preferred changes, but likely not much. I also like "No Connection" a lot more than "The Last Nights of Summer," don't know why yet. I'll comment more this weekend. |
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Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
Oh, look, brought back from the dead, or at least the dust of the archives. Does that make me a crazy Dr. Frankenstein or something? Mwahahahahaha. Hmmmm, maybe I should get to the point. That scholarship I talked about at the top. Well, I found out about it. Knox is giving me $1500 a year. I guess poetry does pay after all. *grins* Well, that means I owe everyone here who helped out on these poems a big thanks (it's all I can afford right now *grins*). So thank you. Oh, and I am still around, just busy and lazy and haven't gotten around to writing anything (poems or critiques) in too long. And so this can be officially called a critique, I'll go back and critique my own post. It's quite well written out, and I don't notice any grammatical errors on first read. Of course, I may have missed some though. The overall theme of the post seems one of gratitude, though there really isn't any underlying symbolism. I'd suggest adding some depth to this piece before publishing. That would add something to it for most readers. Still, a nice job that I found readable. *grins* Ryan I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. —Jack Kerouac |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Congratulations Ryan! This is great news. Thanks for sharing it with us. Jim |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Yes, congratulations, for sure. Now go off and learn and publish and make us all proud to have known you when you were just Ryan. Pete |
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