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Dead Night!
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Dead Night! |
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faith Member
since 2000-01-31
Posts 89 |
The moon calmly glancing at me all through that lonely night, The heat , the pain and all that is within me flying unbounded, A hopeless plight through those dark heavenly secrets of the sinful night, Hidden sirens of the skies above an only be heard by betrayed lovers, The wind not breathing like it used to , a butchered destiny, And the leaves ,so quite, softly rustling against each other , Like secret lovers making love through out the night, Wary and scared , till the seeds are spilled, Like blood mixed with tears of that murdered soul, So many dreams drowning in that deep river of hate and sorrow, Stillness gently embracing me , yet another clue of the sinful night, A promise ...that even through this sheer helplessness, this overwhelming sadness , we will always be together , Me and my dead night , Where when all is gone , It will miserably await , to engulf me in its holy violence! |
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
Back to the top with this one...sure, it says nothing until the end, but there are some fantastic visuals here...the leaves quietly rubbing against each other like lovers in the night...Ah! Yes, overuse of simile. And the point is understated. But I like this. It has potential. Let the folks with more time talk about this. I haven't that right now. Please, dear poets, show faith the way. She's got some potential here with this one! See ya 'round. Wordshaman |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Excellent words!!! |
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
Okay, since Trevor's off having a grudge and nobody else saw anything to this poem (apparently), I will reply to it personally now that I've more time. You've got your own style. That's why I feel the need. So hang around a bit... 1. "A hopeless plight through those dark heavenly secrets of the sinful night" Lose "heavenly". Too many adjectives kind of bogged it down. If you also lose "dark", you gain some form of alliteration, too. Your call, though. 2. "Hidden sirens of the skies above an only be heard by betrayed lovers" What are you trying to say here? It seems very out of place, almost beat poetish. If you're trying to set mood, however, you have to deal in tangibilities. This is more something that was planted in your head that you didn't know how to express, but you threw it into the poem anyway. I would tell you to merely delete it. 3. "The wind not breathing like it used to, a butchered destiny" The first part of this is so wonderful that it makes up for the "huh?" second part, after the comma. It makes "butchered destiny" seem vivid. This is a good line, but the first part of it sets the mood moreso than the second part (because the second part is dependent on the power of the first). 4. "And the leaves ,so quite, softly rustling against each other , Like secret lovers making love through out the night, Wary and scared , till the seeds are spilled" The first lines are brilliant--they're the lines that hooked me on this poem's potential, by the way. I think, though, that you can say something better about them than "wary and scared, till the seeds are spilled". I see how you've tried to personify the leaves, and have used a humanistic noun (seeds) to further this effect, but I think there isn't enough danger in "wary and scared". Besides--the personification was so absolutely wonderful in the first part of the passage that the latter line is overkill. 5. "Like blood mixed with tears of that murdered soul, So many dreams drowning in that deep river of hate and sorrow" You seem to be continuing the speech about the leaves--cut this. It's almost drugged-out sounding (a la Jim Morrison, only in a bad way). 6. "Sinful night". Come on. The night's gotta be more than sinful. You've got a good vocabulary. Think of something. But I liked "Stillness gently embracing me". You've got a knack for personification. 7. "A promise ...that even through this sheer helplessness, this overwhelming sadness, we will always be together, Me and my dead night, Where when all is gone, It will miserably await, to engulf me in its holy violence!" Everything up until "Me and my dead night" is crisp and wonderful and vivid. I also like "where when all is gone". But I don't know if I would recommend aiming the poem around feeling positive about being linked with a dead night that you've been maligning in an almost fearful way until then. I would say that you should put some wariness in YOUR voice, as opposed to the leaves. And the last line is just a bad closing. "Miserably await" is pitiful. You should go for something more fearful. And "holy violence" has just gotta go altogether. Overall, I'd say there's a lot of very real potential for this poem, despite everyone's having ignored it until now. Don't worry about them. Part of poetry is about editing. You wouldn't be here if you didn't know that and accept that. You think outside the lines. You've got your own style, and while it remains a bit immature, it will get better. It always does, considering that you stick with it. Hopefully, like me, you don't have a choice in the matter. You'll write no matter what, because the urge is too much. Well, I'll part by saying that Trevor is a singularly immature and petty (bitter) person, moderator or not. He'll probably try to turn this into a sagely lesson tomorrow, but it's petty. And it doesn't go without disdain in my mind. We'll be seein' ya, faith. Wordshaman |
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