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Mannequin
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Mannequin |
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Joanna T. Lopez Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 33El Paso, Texas |
Mannequin Time in a bottle, time against time, Numbers are numerous, what happened to mine? Touch my face, kiss my lips, Caress my buxom breast, the crone Says to her paralytic Guest. Come inside, close the door, Sit with us on the floor as we watch The spirits coalesce with the dead! Barbwire hair, eyes of glass, Please don't touch my feet of brass. Time in a bottle, time against time... Numbers are numerous, what happened to mine? [This message has been edited by Joanna T. Lopez (edited 02-25-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Joanna T. Lopez - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Joanna: This has an interesting musical quality to it. Much of its meaning escapes me, however, so I am going to focus more on the poetry's format and sound. I would suggest something along the lines of what follows for line breaks. This way, I think, the words in each line are allowed more attention and it is easier to appreciate the meter and rhyme. The imagery conjures similar pictures for me to the Russian myth of the witch Baba Yaga. Was this a source of any of your inspiration? Time in a bottle, time against time, numbers are numerous, what happened to mine? This has a very easy flow to it and it kept me reading. "Touch my face, kiss my lips, caress my buxom breast, the crone says to her paralytic guest." I stumbled over this portion mostly because I didn't recognize it to be dialogue until I reached "the crone ..." line. Perhaps: "The crone says to her paralytic guest, 'Touch my face, kiss my lips, caress the fullness of my breast,'" "Buxom" just didn't do it for me as far as sound goes. Maybe it was just me. The little tweaking I suggested, I think, improves the musical quality of the line. "Come inside, close the door, sit with us on the floor as we watch the spirits coalesce with the dead!" The rhythm of the last line in this stanza seemed to stumble a little bit. "Coalesce" is a big culpret here. It is relatively difficult to enunciate and, I think, it slows the flow of the line. "Barbwire hair, eyes of glass, please don't touch my feet of brass. Time in a bottle, time against time... numbers are numerous, what happened to mine?" The sound of these lines was a well honed as the sound of the first stanza. Now I'll sit back and wait for an explanation of the content.  Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Joanna T. Lopez Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 33El Paso, Texas |
Bonjour Jim, About "Mannequin" Explanation very simple. It was my very first poem, I was 21 to be exact, such a long time ago...I was walking through Dillards Department Store and one of the mannequins caught my eye for some reason and all these thoughts came to mind. As I stood back and watched some of the employees changing the wardrobe on the mannequin I became her thoughts became my thoughts, silly you mannequins have no conception of time, aging, dieing, you know what jbouder, It just dawned on me what attracted me to this particular mannequin,it was her small breasts, we bonded you know! I suppose that is why I used buxom in the poem. If she could would she? You know from small to buxom? Oh well that is the story of Mannequin, it was my first of the many that have followed. Be good,Joanna [This message has been edited by Joanna T. Lopez (edited 02-25-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hello again Joanna But if you are going to use his full name, it is The Whiffling JimBouderWocky so you must do it right.  Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Joanna T. Lopez Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 33El Paso, Texas |
Hello Not a Poet! forgive me for not responding sooner, but I read your piece the one for Poe fans. I did not no how to respond, it was it was, I have not found the words that can express my feelings on it. About jbouder, it sounds good to me, I don't know well enough to call him by his or shall I say your given name for him. It has been a pleasure! Lata, Joanna T. [This message has been edited by Joanna T. Lopez (edited 02-25-2000).] |
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