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Betrayal
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Betrayal |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore 
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Heavy footsteps on the ground Profanities spewed out with a venom The key in the lock turned A drunken fellow staggered in His very presence struck fear "Where's your money?" he ranted and raved "You better give it to me" he yelled and bellowed "No" was her simple answer "The kids need it for school" Her hands trembled Her body convulsed She sweated profusely But her soft,gentle voice was steady and calm "You won't give it to me" A loud frightening roar filled the air Hurling furniture across the room She stood trance-like Shuddering even as she braced herself "I will take care of you forever"he once solemnly promised "We will face the unknown toghter"he once determinedly resoluted Lies!All Lies!she wanted to exclaim The concentration of acid in her body doubling A resounding slap across her face A painful hit from his baseball bat Her shrill voice cut through the air Her eyes brimmed with tears For her white angel was no more... ... |
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| © Copyright 2000 heng kaile - All Rights Reserved | |||
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
Vivid. I could taste her anxiety, with the acid line. This was a nice easy read for me. It flowed nicely and I felt like I was present. Thanks for sharing this one.  Cap. "My soul to-day Is far away, Sailing the Vesuvian Bay; My winged boat, A bird afloat, Swings round the purple peaks remote: ...." Thomas Buchanan Read Cap. Carg. |
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Shelley Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 263Ohio, USA |
WOW! Strong intensity. Held my attention and had me sitting on the edge of my seat pulling for her. The only thing that slowed it down for me was "You better give it to me" he yelled and bellowed" Yelled and bellowed to me is the same thing. His tone was not one to repeat himself. Other then that ....WOW! |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
thank you,captain cargo and shelley,for liking this poem....it's always to bo appreciated.....") do you have any works that i can read?will love to return the flavour ciao and take care!!!! |
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Renee Junior Member
since 1999-11-07
Posts 18langhorne, PA 19047 |
Well written, the detail of this makes the reader feel in the room. I like the contrasting ending of the white angel to the angry tone of the poem. Very deep. Linda Renee |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
kaile-- please don't take this personally, i certainly HOPE this is not autobiographical in any way, but please keep in mind i'm just looking at the words here, ok, and telling you how they strike me? i thought this was all a bit overplayed. the man rants and raves, yells and bellows, while she trembles and convulses and sweats profusely... i don't know, it all seems too melodramatic. i think it'd be more effective if you thought of some more provocative descriptions here. the lines: "I will take care of you forever"he once solemnly promised "We will face the unknown toghter"he once determinedly resoluted were kind of clunky, in my opinion, and didn't really carry much tension; they seemed like lines from a bad movie. 'he once determinedly resoluted' seemed awkward and redundant, and the use of 'resolute' as a verb is a little jarring. ('he once resolved' is all you need to say, i think, if that's what you want to say.) you have a spelling error in there, as well, which doesn't help matters. the next line ("'lies! all lies!' she wanted to exclaim") seems odd too. i had thought the lines attributed to the man were things he said in the past, things he 'once' promised and resolved, but here she is responding to them as if spoken now; they're threats, anyway, and it doesn't matter if he was or is telling the truth, right? "her eyes brimmed with tears" seemed too weak a description for someone who's just been hit with a baseball bat (and the bat's sudden appearance here is a little startling, it might have been better to mention or allude to it earlier, when he breaks in). the last line, "for her white angel was no more...", well, it seems like things in the relationship had already deteriorated so much, that it's hard to believe she still thought of him as her 'white angel' up until then. she might still have had some feelings for him, but a white angel? i think this might have been better if it had been told from one person's point of view exclusively, the woman's preferably (or the man's, if you wanted to be as daring as trevor), if you got the reader inside the woman's head, made the reader really feel what she was going through. even from the point of view you chose, however, i think it could be a powerful piece if you took out some of the more melodramatic aspects, gave us a little more history, perhaps, on the characters and their relationship, and thought of some more provocative ways of describing what was going on. i liked the simple, approachable tone here, that's an excellent tack to take for this, i think. the image of the woman trying desparately to stand her ground, "shuddering even as she braced herself" was gripping; believe me, i know of what you speak. i think with a little work, really getting inside your characters, you can make this work. anyway, there's my two cents. again, please don't take this personally, these are my thoughts on the poem here, and are in no way a reflection on you. and please tell me this didn't happen to you? jenni |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
thank you Renee for reading this--it really meant a lot to me dear jenni,terima kasih(Malay for TQ)for spending so much time with my poem and having the guts to say why u think this poem is not so good... well,actually this is not autographical.i'm barely 20, a Singaporean male who is currently enlisted in the army.  ...I will also like to say that i am new to poetry and am pretty raw--i don't really know the techniques of writing poetry--usually,i just follow my heart... perhaps i am being melodramatic...but the part about "rant and rave,yell and bellow" is my way of showing how the man is so worked up and vents all his anger at his wife verbally...might be called "mental abuse". for the clunky lines,i just thought it would sound plain if you just said "he once promised,he once resoluted" That's why the words "solemnly" and "determinedly" were added.. i do agree "resolved" is a better word...but i didn't think of it then(u see, i have a rather limited vocab)tq for pointing that out. "lies.all lies. she wanted to exclaim" actually i meant to say that the woman was remembering of all the good times they had spent together...it's like she is in a world of her own and didn't hear her husband's threats.that goes for the "white angel"--the "affectionate petname she called him" during their happier times "her eyes brimmed with tears" i want the description to be rather weak cos i imagine her to be abused many times before...so it's like she was in great pain but her eyes were so dry,she couldn't cry heartily i hope u understand what i am trying to express and yep, sure pls do tell me if my way of thinking is wrong and poetry shouldn't be expressed in this way.....i will be honoured to know i have a question to ask u:is my poem so realistic that u take this to be the real thing or is it so seriously flawed that u think that this must come from a victim who is struggling to find the right words--"She can't write poetry!!!" so as to say..") i once again thank u for your interest..and i do hope u will reply.pls do read my other poem "a war victim's tragedy" too--my 1st poem ever |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello, "Heavy footsteps on the ground Profanities spewed out with a venom The key in the lock turned A drunken fellow staggered in His very presence struck fear" Pretty good opening stanza. The only suggestions I have are, consider dropping the "a" or "with a"....even if you don't the line still works...and also consider dropping "struck" from the last line and changing "fear" to "feared" might give it more like this man is to be feared rather than just that day he should be feared....might add to the mood of the poem. ""Where's your money?" he ranted and raved "You better give it to me" he yelled and bellowed "No" was her simple answer "The kids need it for school" Her hands trembled Her body convulsed She sweated profusely But her soft,gentle voice was steady and calm" Consider chopping out the "he said" lines. The reader already understands that it is he speaking for two reasons, 1, the last subject talked about was the man, 2, you later explain when a new character speaks with "was her simple answer". Also maybe consider using another word other than "convulsed", that kind of gave me the picture of a woman throwing up....could just be me though. This is how you're stanza would read if you changed the "he said" lines: ""Where's your money? You better give it to me!" "No", was her simple answer "The kids need it for school" Her hands trembled Her body convulsed She sweated profusely But her soft,gentle voice was steady and calm What do you think? ""You won't give it to me" A loud frightening roar filled the air Hurling furniture across the room She stood trance-like Shuddering even as she braced herself" I thought maybe the second line could have been left out if you add an exclamation mark to the end of the first line allowing the reader understand the "roar" by the act of hurling furniture. ""I will take care of you forever"he once solemnly promised "We will face the unknown toghter"he once determinedly resoluted Lies!All Lies!she wanted to exclaim The concentration of acid in her body doubling A resounding slap across her face A painful hit from his baseball bat Her shrill voice cut through the air Her eyes brimmed with tears For her white angel was no more..." For the rest of this poem I'm going to have to agree with the Jenni (though I didn't have any trouble with the sudden appearance of a baseball bat). It felt a little too soap opera'ish and too formulated. Also I thought the "..."s at the end weren't needed especially since you're speaking of something final, like her opinion of this once "angel". Anyways, thanks for the read, take care, Trevor JENNI: "or the man's, if you wanted to be as daring as trevor" That's not very daring Jenni....daring is when you ask people at Critical Analysis to give a critical analysis on other people's poetry  Now that's when you know you're a real risk taker! Take care Jenni, Trevor |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
thank u,Trevor for taking the time to read this..") I will take note of both of your remarks and make this a better read.. cheers!!! |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Hey Trevor .. you're wrong you know .. ....... daring is when you dispute with a guy that the Critical Analysis Forum is about critical analysis, and that guy happens to be a Moderator complete with delete button ...... .........P |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
i have revised this and will be happy for any more comments/criticism which you will have for me ") |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
K~ I think that both Jim and Trevor have said it best. So follow their advice and your poem will improve. You've got a good eye for detail and have set a scene that happens behind many closed doors. Perhaps Closed Doors would be a good title for it. Note~ a poetry instructor that I once had would circle all the adverbs with red ink and challenge us to take them out. You might want to keep it in mind on your next poem or haiku. Keep writing though! best regards, bboog |
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