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Frienship
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Frienship |
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Joanna T. Lopez Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 33El Paso, Texas |
Tell Me Your Secrets By: Joanna M. Lopez Tell me your secrets...your fear is nigh...my friend, for you I will never die. Web of perfection, weave of twine. My heart, your heart grasp hold tight as we attempt the climb...Black Widows Web labyrinth of time. Hear no evil, see no evil, judge you not, this from Merlin I have been taught! Choices in abundance yet ours stay the same...entities from Pleadies place no blame! Faltering aimlessly as one searches for truth... desperately seeking that spiritual boost...ones ultimate goal before choosing to die! Partaken from you this I have done. Feed me again and again and again,anxious and thirsty...ignorance so sad. Sparsely scattered are the chosen few, putting aside you and me. There is Carlos Rossi, Jean Nate, Michael Baryshnikov...yes the sleeping prophet too! Least not forget Edgar Allen Poe. Ah! Jean Dixon, her euphonious beauty expelled from the depths of her soul. Now, Krishnamurti, this one you may not know? Vastly populated…lest they be free...firmly shackled, oh pity poor me. Bolt shackles…mirrors of their soul, secretly disguised, fearing desire, a lust all their own. Painted reflections of an abyss unknown. Allow me to supple as you play host, feeding me with knowledge of impeccable growth! Yes "my friend" tell me your secrets, your secrets are mine. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Joanna T. Lopez - All Rights Reserved | |||
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CrEaTuRe Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 260Kuala Lumpur,Malaysia |
it's a nice one for your first time  do hope to see more of your work...... by the way Welcome to passion  |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Joanna: Hello. Welcome to Passions and to Critical Analysis. I commend you on your bravery for posting your first post in CA. In this forum we encourage honest, constructive critiques of one another's poetry and discussion as a tool to help us improve our writing skills. Not all of the criticism is positive much of the time but keep in mind that any negative criticism is (1) my opinion only (you may agree or disagree with it as you please) and (2) is offered with the intent of improving the poetry I am critiquing. I also encourage you to read some of the other poems in here and reply to them, offering you honest opinions. This will encourage others to take the time to reply to your poetry. That said ... "Tell me your secrets...your fear is nigh...my friend, for you I will never die. Web of perfection, weave of twine. My heart, your heart grasp hold tight as we attempt the climb...Black Widows Web labyrinth of time." The meaning of your first sentence is unclear to me. Did you leave out a word or two or did you mean to say that you will never die for your friend? I suspect not. The use of elipses ("...") in the first sentence is distracting also. The elipses suggest a longer pause in the reading than I think you intended to be there. The imagery of the Web of Fate was vague at first but on my second reading (after seeing what the rest of your poem was about)I was more aware of your mythological theme. Question: Did you select the Black Widow because of it's deadly bite or because of the hourglass on it's thorax? Because of your allusion to the Web of Fate I thought that, perhaps, the unmentioned hourglass on the spider's thorax may have been an allusion to Time or Chronos. "Hear no evil, see no evil, judge you not, this from Merlin I have been taught! Choices in abundance yet ours stay the same...entities from Pleadies place no blame!" When I see "Hear no evil, speak no evil" I immediately think of monkeys covering their ears and mouths. Not the image you were going for I suspect.  From Merlin you were taught? Who is the speaker? You also mispelled "Pleiades", by the way. The allusion to the Pleiades is a curious one. The Pleiades were seven daughters of the titan Atlas in Greek mythology who were pursuited by the giant hunter Orion. They were eventually transformed into a constellation. For what I remember of the Pleiades, I cannot fathom what you mean by "entities from [Pleiades] place no blame!""Faltering aimlessly as one searches for truth... desperately seeking that spiritual boost...ones ultimate goal before choosing to die! Partaken from you this I have done. Feed me again and again and again,anxious and thirsty...ignorance so sad." I'm not sure what you are saying in this stanza. I'm beginning to suspect that the speaker is some sort of New Age spirit guide. Am I wrong? "Sparsely scattered are the chosen few, putting aside you and me. There is Carlos Rossi, Jean Nate, Michael Baryshnikov...yes the sleeping prophet too! Least not forget Edgar Allen Poe. Ah! Jean Dixon, her euphonious beauty expelled from the depths of her soul. Now, Krishnamurti, this one you may not know?" I fail to see the connections of the names you've dropped here. Baryshnikov the dancer? How is he connected with Poe or Krishnamurti? Isn't Jean Dixon an astrologer? Any connection you are attempting to draw in these lines I think is too vague. How are these people related? What is the significance of Poe over Byron, Keats or any other poet for that matter? "Vastly populated…lest they be free...firmly shackled, oh pity poor me. Bolt shackles…mirrors of their soul, secretly disguised, fearing desire, a lust all their own. Painted reflections of an abyss unknown. " What is vastly populated? Free from what? Shackled to what? Pity you for what? I don't think you are giving the reader enough here. Be more specific. "Allow me to supple as you play host, feeding me with knowledge of impeccable growth! Yes "my friend" tell me your secrets, your secrets are mine." If my understanding of the spirit guide being the speaker, at times, in this poem is correct then the last stanza makes some sense to me. The third and last stanzas are the words of the "guided" rather than the "guide". I'm not a big fan of the New Age so I really cannot judge the veracity of much of the content of this piece as it relates to the New Age movements (there seem to be so many of them ... how can one keep up? ). I suggest that you be careful about your vague references to obscure myths. The Pleiades certainly don't come up in the everyday conversation of the average Joe so try to incorporate some explanation of who or what the Pleiades are into your poem. Also watch your comma and elipses usage. They have their places (you've used them well most of the time in this work) but keep in mind that all punctuation suggests some form or another of a pause. If you want a longer pause to be there use a period (much better than elipses in my opinion). All in all this was an interesting read. Had to dust off my Greek mythology a bit but I can't find any reference to "Carlos Rossi" in either Homer or Ovid. Welcome again to Critical Analysis. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Joanna T. Lopez Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 33El Paso, Texas |
Hello Jbouder, First of all, allow me give you my sincere thanks on your response "Tell me your secrets". 1st sentence: for you I will never die, Meaning in the here and after. Black Widows Web, selected because of the hour glass, yes indeed! "hear no evil, speak no evil" it had'nt even crossed my mind about the monkeys till you mentioned it, not my intent at all. I sometimes forget that many cannot concieve our type of writing, or is it that they lack depth? which brings me back to monkeys. "hear no evil, speak no evil" meaning: who are we to judge and dabble with idle gossip, for Merlins magical poweres were dirived not from idle gossip and judgement on mankind, but from doing the complete opposit. As I often tell my youngest, "patients grasshopper, for silence is the key to knowledge". Pleiades aside from the constellation, it is said: there is a 5th deimension in which these entities habitat Pleiades, this tribe display an abundance of love, truth and honesty, which they seek to incorporate , to whom? to the shackled,the closed minded, jugemental and feel sorry for me,do you not think it is much easier to be ignorant and much safer also? In ignorance, all one has to say is: I did not know that, I am ignorant to the fact. Baryshnikov, the sleeping prophet {Edgar Cayce), Edgar Allen Poe, who is also my inner voice, he has inspired me immensly, anyway all these popular names have diverse backgrounds in the here, but they also have one major thing incommon, their spiritual realm is that of teachers in a high place and they do not place judgement nor do the idly gossip. On a personal note, they have all been inspirational teachers and I have learned much from them. By the way do you know of Krishnamurti? He was a wonderful speaker, don't you think? I only wish that I could have attended one of his lectures. Thanks again kind sir,its been good exchanging w/you. Sincerely yours, Joanna |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
jean dixon is a spirtual teacher??????? in a 'high place'?????? jean "national enquirer" dixon????? |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Joanna, and welcome to Passions and the CA. I see you've already met our esteemed moderator, jbouder, and he has pretty well analyzed your poem, so I won't really try. I will say that I found the format (prose style and all the elipses) a little distracting. I think shorter lines and fewer dots would help me read it. This is, of course, just my humble opinion. Hope to see much more of your work here. Thanks. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I will say I have read Krishnamurti and that it's time to be afraid, be very afraid. Brad |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Joanna: I have a book on Krishnamurti but have never had the opportunity to examine its contents. As far as Edgar Allan Poe not being judgemental, lol. I am a big Poe fan and can appreciate the inspiration you draw from his writings. But that was one highly opinionated man! I'm a little confused by a few of your comments. First, Merlin's magical powers, according to myth (of course) were derived from his unique lineage. Some sources suggest he was a cambion, of sorts ... a product of the mating of an Incubus (demon) or nature spirit and a human woman. Other sources I am aware of suggest that Merlin was a decendent of one of the survivors of the lost city of Atlantis. I am not aware of the tradition of which you speak. Where exactly do you get your information? Also you mention "it is said ... there is a fifth dimension ...". You've lost me again here. Is this a reference to ancient myth of which I am unaware or is this a more recent "revelation"? Again, just curious. Thanks for responding to my critique, by the way. It's nice to know what someone's reaction is from time to time. I look forward to reading more. Jim |
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