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my sister poems (to prove)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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my sister poems (to prove) |
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branique New Member
since 2000-01-30
Posts 6 |
I am the color of cool chocolate my hair is course not thin but I dont walk the walk nor do I talk the talk, so still I dont fit in. I choose to be who I want to be instead of conceding to their rules, but I am not loud nor Malcom X proud so still I have something to prove. I choose to know about Malcom before I parade in his shirt all day, but I dont use slang and I hang in the rainbow gang so I DONT FIT IN ANYWAY. Now I might date someone of a diffrent race or someone of a lighter color just because i'm versatile and I like my men worth while does'nt mean I dont like my black brother. I'm getting tired of the so called questions like "why do you talk so white?" because my hair is long and i finish my sentences strong I will not be accepted by night. So for now I'll laugh off all question and insults ignoring whatever they say since I am to proper to night and I do not wish to be day. I'll go along with your silly comments and laugh right along with you. But I tell you i'm getting old, its getting tired and i'm sick of this game I feel I have nothing to prove. |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
branique-- a very interesting piece here. i thought your first lines: I am the color of cool chocolate my hair is course not thin but I dont walk the walk nor do I talk the talk, so still I dont fit in. were great. ("coarse" is misspelled, though, and i'd tighten up the fourth line to "nor talk the talk".) the momentum is carried forward to the next set of lines, although you start to have some missteps, in my opinion, with your line breaks. consider breaking the lines this way, and preserving the structure and rhyme you set up in the first five lines: I choose to be who I want to be instead of conceding to their rules, but I am not loud nor Malcom X proud so still I have something to prove. "conceding" seemed a little awkward, throwing off the rythym a little. i'll come back to 'so still i have something to prove' in a bit. the next set of lines really get out of joint. first, i'd set them this way, again, to preserve the flow you started so well: I choose to know about Malcom before I parade in his shirt all day, but I dont use slang and I hang in the rainbow gang so I DONT FIT IN ANYWAY. but... 'parade' throws off your rythym, as does 'and i hang in the rainbow gang'. in the remaining lines, you seem to abandon all sense of rythym in the piece. i think you might have intended this, but i think the piece might be more effective if you stayed in a rythym, though, as if the speaker were sticking to her own voice no matter how she's getting tugged in different directions. of course, the piece could be about how the speaker is losing that voice, but that wouldn't be consistent, i don't think, with saying near the end "I'll go along with your silly comments and laugh right along with you." one thing that really confused me, and that i think really hurts the piece, is the final phrase "I feel I have nothing to prove." earlier, the speaker says she DOES have something to prove. i just don't get what you're trying to say here, i guess. it seems like if the speaker didn't feel she had anything to prove to anyone, that she's her own person, the criticisms of her being too 'white' wouldn't bother her. but she does have 'something to prove': that she can be her own person and still be true to her heritage. anyway, that's just how it seems to me. i thought this was a really interesting poem with a lot of potential. i'd love to read it again after you've revised it a little. thanks for a thought-provoking read... jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 02-05-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Branique: Hello. I agree with Jenni that this is a tremendously thought provoking piece. I'll try not to reiterate too much of what Jenni has already observed. "I am the color of cool chocolate my hair is course not thin but I dont walk the walk nor do I talk the talk, so still I dont fit in." You captured my attention with these lines. The rhythm of these lines is exceptionally musical and I think these are the strongest lines in your poem. "I choose to be who I want to be instead of conceding to their rules, but I am not loud nor Malcom X proud so still I have something to prove." I didn't have the same problem Jenni had with the rhythm of "conceding". The problem I had with the word was it's sound. My reading of this line was fast (this, I think, was the way you intended this line to be read). Enunciating "conceding" forced me to slow down a bit. Perhaps this is the awkwardness Jenni detected. "I choose to know about Malcom before I parade in his shirt all day, but I dont use slang and I hang in the rainbow gang so I DONT FIT IN ANYWAY." You and I will have to talk about this someday.  It's refreshing to meet another person who refuses to follow blindly. The use of "all day" to rhyme with "ANYWAY" seemed a little forced. I think capitalizing "I DON'T FIT IN ANYWAY" has the desired effect of communicating your frustration, however, so I wouldn't suggest changing that line. Maybe if you can restructure the "all day" line a little bit, perhaps finding another word that rhymes with "ANYWAY" so that the "all day" line is a smoother read."Now I might date someone of a diffrent race or someone of a lighter color just because i'm versatile and I like my men worth while does'nt mean I dont like my black brother." I didn't like these lines very much. Not because of the content so much as because of the tone. You go on the defensive here, I think, and this weakens the picture of you that I get from the preceding lines. Your preceding lines are relentless attacks on the small-minded. These later lines give them a chance to come back at you with something. Do you understand what I mean here? I would suggest you either restructure this or omit this. Maybe rephrasing it to say something along the lines of Dr. King's famous speech that you will choose to date someone not based on the color of their skin but rather based on the content of their character. My wording may seem a little cheesy but I think the meaning would come across much stronger than what is present in this portion of your poem now. "I'm getting tired of the so called questions like 'why do you talk so white?' because my hair is long and i finish my sentences strong I will not be accepted by night." These lines did not have the same defensiveness/weakness of the lines immediately preceding. I liked these very much. The only thing I didn't like about it was the number of syllables between the rhyming of "long/strong". Counting your syllables between the rhymes may do much to strengthen the rhythm here. The "white/night" rhymes are well placed. "So for now I'll laugh off all question and insults ignoring whatever they say since I am to proper to night and I do not wish to be day." Look at your sentence structure/word usage in these lines. I stumbled abit over "I am to proper to night". Perhaps this is slang I am unfamiliar with. "I'll go along with your silly comments and laugh right along with you. But I tell you i'm getting old, its getting tired and i'm sick of this game I feel I have nothing to prove." I agree with Jenni about the ambiguity of the "something to prove/nothing to prove" statements. If you wanted there to be this contradiction I would suggest you provide more of a foundation for it within the body of the poem; kinda like an ongoing struggle between "I have something/I don't have something" throughout your poem. But I think it would be much easier to reword the final line so you wouldn't have to restructure the whole thing. This was a very powerful and thought provoking piece. Thank your for posting it here. I look forward to reading more of your work. < !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 02-05-2000).] |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello, I too will try not to repeat too much of what the other critiquers have said. "I am the color of cool chocolate my hair is course not thin but I dont walk the walk nor do I talk the talk, so still I dont fit in." Good strong opening. For me personally I'm not a big fan of cliches "walk the walk-talk the talk"...but it seems to fit because of the line "so still I don't fit in". "I choose to be who I want to be instead of conceding to their rules, but I am not loud nor Malcom X proud so still I have something to prove." I didn't have a problem with "conceding" either nor the sound of it. "I choose to know about Malcom before I parade in his shirt all day, but I dont use slang and I hang in the rainbow gang so I DONT FIT IN ANYWAY." I didn't feel that the capitalization of "I DONT FIT IN ANYWAY." was necessary. I liked the wording up until "rainbow gang", I know what you're saying here but it just seemed a little too "fluffy" a word for this poem. Just an opinion. "Now I might date someone of a diffrent race or someone of a lighter color just because i'm versatile and I like my men worth while does'nt mean I dont like my black brother." I didn't think "versatile" fit in with what you were going for, versatile to me seemed more like a skill than a state of mind or open mindedness (is mindedness a word?? If it wasn't, it is now). Also consider omiting the second "someone"..."Now I might date someone of a different race or of a lighter color", I also think you should consider adding in some line breaks to help this part flow more smoothly. "I'm getting tired of the so called questions like "why do you talk so white?" because my hair is long and i finish my sentences strong I will not be accepted by night." I thought "so called" could be chopped away to shorten the line. I really liked the part "I will not be accepted by night" and I thought that although a long line, it flowed wonderfully. "So for now I'll laugh off all question and insults ignoring whatever they say since I am to proper to night and I do not wish to be day." Liked the meaning in this one but I thought the wording was a little awkward and forced for rhyme's sake. "I'll go along with your silly comments and laugh right along with you. But I tell you i'm getting old, its getting tired and i'm sick of this game I feel I have nothing to prove." I thought "silly" could have been changed to a stronger word. I too, also thought the ending was a bit off. My interpretation of it was...yeah I'm constantly proving myself but I really shouldn't have to because there is nothing to prove, I am who I am, and if that is the correct interpretation then perhaps the wording should fit it a bit more...maybe something along the lines of "I feel I shouldn't have to prove." or something like that...just a suggestion. Well I'm gonna have to agree with the others and say this is a really good poem that could probably use a little tightening here and there. Thanks for the read, take care, Trevor Branique,I hope to read some more of your sister's poetry in the future and it would be nice to hear her opinion on what she thinks of the suggestions and comments made. |
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