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warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563


0 posted 2000-02-05 10:45 AM


cast out was she,
to drift upon waves
of unexpressed emotion,
no longer a painter of life,
nor a contributing component
of the microcosm, where,
for a brief, yet fulfilling time
she had found warmth and acceptance.

now she dejectedly wanders,
searching,
with such a gnawing hunger
for expression,
that she feels if she
can not tell her tales,
she will fade slowly,
and with great anguish,
into gray flannel conservatism,
and lose her voice...the voice
that had held her aloft
through enduring hardships.

occasionally, she ekes out strength
enough to step into foreign
worlds of lyrical quality,
though unable to speak in their tongue,
or feeling the closing in her throat,
she departs, to wander once more.

this has become so much more
than she can bear,
and she weeps,
tears stinging delicate skin,
with every pain that rejection
and humiliation could rain upon her,
and so she falls to her knees,
raises her eyes above...
pleads with and cajoles
the deities of fallacy,
whom she has, at last, recognized
that she could tolerate.

they were her only hope,
for the others had failed her,
save for one or two supporters
who did not fear the false gods.
now she pleads those same gods
for mercy, for benevolence,
for without it, she fears
her voice will be forever lost
to ride upon those waves
of emotion unexpressed.


Kristine




 "If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,...
I shall not live in vain" - Emily Dickinson

© Copyright 2000 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved
patchoulipumpkin
Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196
Bermuda
1 posted 2000-02-05 11:01 AM


I reallly liked this poem.  It is true for a lot of people i think.  It reminds me a bit of my mum, actually, who has degrees in fine arts, acting, mime, but is working as a secretary for a law firm.  She feels she's losing her voice.  Well done.
Local Rebel
Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767
Southern Abstentia
2 posted 2000-02-05 02:04 PM


ahem...

(                 )*gasp*

I too -- can't seem to eek out anything...

very nice work here Ms. corazone caliente...

 Hate is a dead thing. Who of you would be a tomb? -Kahlil Gibran

branique
New Member
since 2000-01-30
Posts 6

3 posted 2000-02-05 03:34 PM


my sister read your poem and she  said that although its sounds interesting she does not feel like trying to figure out exactly what you are talking about. Your writing style is good, but maybe try writing something for the people who did not go to Harvard, Yale etc. etc. etc.
Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
4 posted 2000-02-05 05:43 PM


Heya Kris,

Well I read this a couple times, first time the beginning didn't sit all that well but the second time it slid into place.

"cast out was she,
to drift upon waves
of unexpressed emotion,
no longer a painter of life,
nor a contributing component
of the microcosm, where,
for a brief, yet fulfilling time
she had found warmth and acceptance."

Pretty good first stanza. The only suggestion I have is, consider either rewording or deleting "of the microcosm", seemed unnecessary and kinda messed with the flow.

"now she dejectedly wanders,
searching,
with such a gnawing hunger
for expression,
that she feels if she
can not tell her tales,
she will fade slowly,
and with great anguish,
into gray flannel conservatism,
and lose her voice...the voice
that had held her aloft
through enduring hardships."

LOVED the "gray flannel conservatism", great description. THought the "..." could be abolished forever   (just my personal war against those things in a poem...whatever they're called...oh,oh!, look ...they're following me ). COnsider changing "she will slowly fade" to something more absolute (she is slowly fading, or something like that).

"occasionally, she ekes out strength
enough to step into foreign
worlds of lyrical quality,
though unable to speak in their tongue,
or feeling the closing in her throat,
she departs, to wander once more."

For me the word "unable" seemed to carry onto the next line and with each read I want to interpret it as "unable to speak or feel the closing in her throat". Perhaps changing "or" to "and" might help this? Also consider changing "to wander once more" to something else or omit it entirely. You've already told us she dejectedly wanders so when you mention she departs from expressing herself the reader will probably pick up on the fact that she is off wandering again.

"this has become so much more
than she can bear,
and she weeps,
tears stinging delicate skin,
with every pain that rejection
and humiliation could rain upon her,
and so she falls to her knees,
raises her eyes above...
pleads with and cajoles
the deities of fallacy,
whom she has, at last, recognized
that she could tolerate."

Oh those dirty "..."s "tears stinging" kinda came off cliched....but what description hasn't already been said with "tears"? I thought the last part of this stanza came off a little too melodramatic. Perhaps more subtlety is needed? I think it was the fall on her knees and look towards heaven type of thing that turned me off a bit.

"they were her only hope,
for the others had failed her,
save for one or two supporters
who did not fear the false gods.
now she pleads those same gods
for mercy, for benevolence,
for without it, she fears
her voice will be forever lost
to ride upon those waves
of emotion unexpressed."

The lines,
"who did not fear the false gods.
now she pleads those same gods",
read awkwardly for me because of the doubled up "gods" and "pleads" was already used not that long ago (maybe it should be "pleaded" to help keep it in the correct tense?). Pretty good ending, nicely tied in with the opening.
All in all I liked this poem, more so for the story of losing the "voice" for expression than the wording...although there were some good lines...especially "flannel conservatism". Well thanks for the read and take care,
Trevor

BRANIQUE:
Sorry to hear that your sister doesn't feel like thinking or putting effort into understanding this poem. Perhaps she doesn't like poetry? Perhaps you should ask you sister to "think up" instead of getting the world to "think down". Anyways, so nice to hear what your sister has to say but what I'm curious to is what do you have to say about this poem? Did you like it or didn't you like it? or was your sister's comment your way of saying you didn't like it because you didn't fully understand the poem. If ya didn't get it, don't be shy, why not ask the poet to elaborate on their poem? The only stupid questions are the silent ones. Anyways, hope all that didn't sound harsh, wasn't meant to be. Anyways, I'd love to hear what you think of the poem if ya have the time. Take care,
Trevor  



warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

5 posted 2000-02-05 06:06 PM


Patch,
Thanks so much for reading, and also for the kind comments.  

Rebel,
You too????????  
(Thanks)

branique,
Tell your sister that I thank her for taking the time to read this work, and that I write
for myself. I surely did not attend an Ivy League school, as did not the majority of the people here, I would assume, although it's surely possible there are a few who have.
(Are you trying to tell me I'm kissing up to someone, cuz, honey, that ain't my style   )


Trevor,
Thank you for the disection...I knew this would need it, as it was written a bit hastily. I will examine and consider your advice. (Who is that?)


Kristine< !signature-->

 "If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,...
I shall not live in vain" - Emily Dickinson


[This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 02-05-2000).]

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