Dreams of a Fallen Earth (lengthy)

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Dark Seraph
New Member

since 2000-02-05

Posts 1
Little Rock, Arkansas

0 posted 2000-02-05 12:09 PM

Dreams of a Fallen Earth

         I awoke to a nightmare – I saw my world tearing itself limb from
limb and devouring its own flesh with the bloody jaws of immorality – a
beast-like a dragon with the face of a lion ripping and shredding the skin
of truth and humanity with awful talons and razor claws,
         There was Greed, a disgustingly fat and debonair fellow with a
shallowly jolly smile and teeth like steak knives, and all the world fell
on their faces at his feet and he showered them with empty promises of
wealth and happiness and love, and all the time his grin grew wider and
joviality was replaced by horror in his compleion,
         Vanity was there, her nose in the air – she took not even a glance
at the masses who worshiped at her feet (she felt it appropriate) but only
continuously primped and groomed herself – combing her golden hair, patting
rouge on her honey cheeks, and brushing mascara along her dark eyelashes
that shadow her empty and thoughtless jet-black eyes,
         Death made an appearance, looking quite well considering his
current occupation – with charming smile and rolling laugh and an
attractive and friendly face he sat and grinned and laughed along and
gently collected the lot of men he was allowed and cast them with fiery
passion and sociopathic pleasure into the pit of fire and darkness and
eternal torture,
         The life of the party – the brothers Anger and Hate - were
slamming it up in Death's infernal mosh pit – their faces were scarred,
deformed, pockmarked, and scabbed and with utmost joy they destroyed
mankind – setting brother against brother and mother against daughter and
with the help of their sister Prejudice they held the whole world in their
iron claws –
         Their mother was War, their father Power, both similarly wretched
and malformed creatures – with wise, malicious manipulation the twisted the
desires and wills of the world for their own entertainment – they play a
never-ending game of chess, where all men are pawns and they are kings and
no conclusion will ever be reached until all pawns are gone and they
declare it a stalemate –
         Lust was shaking it up on the dance floor with Rape and in both
their eyes shone an unmasked desire for all the secret, dark acts of
pleasure and their hands were armed with razor nails to rip and tear and
scar their victims and their loyal subjects danced all around them – naked
and grasping at the blouse of Lust and the coattail of Rape –
         There was Religion, looking solemnly haughty, with his face and
hands raised toward Heaven and his booming voice shouting praises of his
own faithfulness – with meaningless rituals he sanctified himself and
snubbed his nose at the unreligioned for their rejection of his sacred
hypocrisy –
         Poverty and Famine stood in the corner, lanky and ghostly and
frail, stalking their prey with their jagged and rotted teeth – they were
dressed in beggars rages – beneath which hunger-swelled stomachs poked –
dirty burlap cloth and covered with soot and openly bleeding puss-filled
sores and attracted flies which fed on their agony – Poverty and Famine
didn't seem to mind –
         Mysticism hid opposite Famine, conjuring and chanting secretive
words, casting curses upon the earth, with amulets and trinkets and potions
and candles all about her – calling on the victims of Death to lend her
their powers so she might find some peace of mind –
         Addiction was reeling and leaning against the wall with a
half-empty bottle of whiskey in his hand and tossing pills to his groveling
followers as they crawl around in the urine and vomit that flows like a
river beneath their feet, not caring about anything but their next fix –
         Apathy was lounging in another corner – he had hordes of devoted
followers (perhaps the most of any) but he didn't seem to care in the least
– he did nothing in particular, simply sat and observed with no attempt to
veil his obvious lack of interest – he was in some ways the most upsetting
of them all – his disciples neither bowed at his feet nor sang his praises
but rather sat complacently with blank expressions on their faces –
         These are the demons of the earth, the wretches of a fallen world
– those who bring pain and thrive on faithlessness and feed on grief and
sorrow – these are the faces of my nightmare, the nightmare I'm living
every day – how I loathe these demon fiends, how I dread their touch, their
breath –
         Now slowly a haze rolls back from my eyes and I begin to see more
clearly – I see in them the faces of our leaders and lovers, fathers and
mothers, sisters and brothers, and everyone I've ever known – but in the
face of the dragon, the most accursed of beasts, I see another face –
where I thought I saw a lion – I now see only me.

~sarah

Trevor
Senior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 700
Canada

1 posted 2000-02-05 01:42 AM

Hello and welcome to CA,

At this forum we like to promote honest and open discussion about poetry. So with that in mind I'd like to say that my critique is not about you the person but rather my opinions on your poem. I hope you understand that my, and everyone elses opinion, is not necessarily the truth but rather one's feelings on the words and thoughts expressed. I hope you'll enjoy this section of Passions and that you find Critical Analysis not only a place to post poetry but a place of learning as well. Now on to your poem. I've always been a big fan of using uncommon or new formats for a poem. I believe that often it can help in the creation of mood, so I have no problem with the prose like format you have chosen.

"I awoke to a nightmare – I saw my world tearing itself limb from
limb and devouring its own flesh with the bloody jaws of immorality"

Consider eliminating some or all the hyphons in this poem, in fact one suggestion I have (now these are only ideas here)is to keep the prose format but eliminate all punctuation and grammatics. Might help represent decay more (decay of society's morals...decay of grammatic morals). Consider condensing these words, in a few parts of this poem it seems you ran on unnecessarily, ie.

"I awoke to a nightmare and saw my world tearing limbs from self devouring its flesh with bloody jaws of immorality

"– a beast-like a dragon with the face of a lion ripping and shredding the skin
of truth and humanity with awful talons and razor claws,"

"awful" isn't very descriptive, too broad to convey any real horror. Also this part might be able to handle some more shortening (not the cooking substance but the length

),ie.Also with my suggestions (which are only there to help inspire change if the poet feels she needs to change it), I'll include my suggestion of the removal of punctuation.

"a lion faced dragon ripping shredding the skin of humanity's truth with hunt full talons razor claws"

"There was Greed, a disgustingly fat and debonair fellow with a shallowly jolly smile and teeth like steak knives, and all the world fell on their faces at his feet and he showered them with empty promises of
wealth and happiness and love, and all the time his grin grew wider and
joviality was replaced by horror in his compleion,"

Now since I feel that most of it can be condensed I won't keep repeating that opinion but will add that its important to maintain a reader's attention, even more so with a lengthy poem, and unnecessary words tend to let the reader "slip" away sometimes, also be careful of typos, they also tend to destract the reader. Some of the descrips. I thought could use a little tweaking and it seemed you overused conjuctions in this segment. I won't keep giving examples either, I don't want you to think that I'm trying to rewrite your poem. The whole idea you have is an interesting one that I think "works" but for me it seemed to get lost in vague descriptions and unnecessary words. If you want, I'll be more than happy to give further specific examples throughout the entire poem of the changes I think might help (if you feel this poem needs work), so please feel free to ask if that is what you want. But because of time limitations I'll just give small critiques throughout the rest of the poem.

"Vanity was there, her nose in the air – she took not even a glance
at the masses who worshiped at her feet (she felt it appropriate) but only
continuously primped and groomed herself – combing her golden hair, patting
rouge on her honey cheeks, and brushing mascara along her dark eyelashes
that shadow her empty and thoughtless jet-black eyes,"

"eyelashes" and "eyes" didn't seem to fit in the same area together, consider changing one or the other. Also I didn't find "jet black eyes" to properly describe a "hollow or shallow" thing.

"Death made an appearance, looking quite well considering his current occupation"

Liked that that line.

"– with charming smile and rolling laugh and an attractive and friendly face he sat and grinned and laughed along and
gently collected the lot of men he was allowed and cast them with fiery
passion and sociopathic pleasure into the pit of fire and darkness and
eternal torture"

Again I didn't think there was enough specific descriptions....seemed to vague, yet wordy and the same time, ie. "pit of fire", "darkness" and "eternal torture"..how hot was the fire? Was it blue, red, yellow flames or just barbeque coals? How dark was it? What kind of torture? Ya gotta remember that your version of things are different than each reader, for you torture may be getting stuck on a meat hook and for me it might be not being able to have my morning coffee

"The life of the party – the brothers Anger and Hate - were slamming it up in Death's infernal mosh pit – their faces were scarred,
deformed, pockmarked, and scabbed and with utmost joy they destroyed mankind – setting brother against brother and mother against daughter and with the help of their sister Prejudice they held the whole world in their
iron claws –"

Too many "claws" in the poem. I would have liked to have read "The life of the party Creation.....(or something along those lines) being slammed in the mosh pit" I thought it might be a little interesting to momentarily offset the storyline. Just an idea.

"Their mother was War, their father Power, both similarly wretched and malformed creatures – with wise, malicious manipulation the twisted the
desires and wills of the world for their own entertainment – they play a
never-ending game of chess, where all men are pawns and they are kings and
no conclusion will ever be reached until all pawns are gone and they
declare it a stalemate –"

The chess part, in my opinion, could definetely use some rewording, seemed too muddled the way it is now, ie. "where all men are pawns to kings and stalemate is the only conclusion to be reached."

"Lust was shaking it up on the dance floor with Rape and in both
their eyes shone an unmasked desire for all the secret, dark acts of
pleasure and their hands were armed with razor nails to rip and tear and
scar their victims and their loyal subjects danced all around them – naked
and grasping at the blouse of Lust and the coattail of Rape –"

"coattial" is two words. You've used tear and rip about a half a dozen times now. Consider using other words to eliviate a repetitious pattern. Also consider changing "shaking" in the first line to something more suggestive such as "rubbing" or "grinding", shaking seems more like something done at a wedding....just don't put in the Bird Dance instead

"There was Religion, looking solemnly haughty, with his face and
hands raised toward Heaven and his booming voice shouting praises of his
own faithfulness – with meaningless rituals he sanctified himself and
snubbed his nose at the unreligioned for their rejection of his sacred
hypocrisy –"

Really liked this part. Think it could still use shorter lines and a little bit of rewording but personally I've always been fascinated with the pyschology of religion and religious beliefs and I think in this section you captured a problemed faction of it quite well.

"Poverty and Famine stood in the corner, lanky and ghostly and
frail, stalking their prey with their jagged and rotted teeth – they were
dressed in beggars rages – beneath which hunger-swelled stomachs poked –
dirty burlap cloth and covered with soot and openly bleeding puss-filled
sores and attracted flies which fed on their agony – Poverty and Famine
didn't seem to mind –"

"rages" is it supposed to be "rages" or "rags"? Perhaps too many conjunctions in this section.

"Mysticism hid opposite Famine, conjuring and chanting secretive
words, casting curses upon the earth, with amulets and trinkets and potions
and candles all about her – calling on the victims of Death to lend her
their powers so she might find some peace of mind –"

Pretty good section, pretty good wording but again overuse with the conjunctions.


"Addiction was reeling and leaning against the wall with a
half-empty bottle of whiskey in his hand and tossing pills to his groveling
followers as they crawl around in the urine and vomit that flows like a
river beneath their feet, not caring about anything but their next fix –"

Thought you could have expanded on the idea of the followers getting their next "fix".

"Apathy was lounging in another corner – he had hordes of devoted
followers (perhaps the most of any) but he didn't seem to care in the least
– he did nothing in particular, simply sat and observed with no attempt to
veil his obvious lack of interest – he was in some ways the most upsetting
of them all – his disciples neither bowed at his feet nor sang his praises
but rather sat complacently with blank expressions on their faces –"

I liked the idea of Apathy being included however the wording might need tightening.


"These are the demons of the earth, the wretches of a fallen world
– those who bring pain and thrive on faithlessness and feed on grief and
sorrow – these are the faces of my nightmare, the nightmare I'm living
every day – how I loathe these demon fiends, how I dread their touch, their
breath –
         Now slowly a haze rolls back from my eyes and I begin to see more
clearly – I see in them the faces of our leaders and lovers, fathers and
mothers, sisters and brothers, and everyone I've ever known – but in the
face of the dragon, the most accursed of beasts, I see another face –
where I thought I saw a lion – I now see only me."

Perhaps consider condensing both of these stanzas or sections into one part without losing any of the meaning.

Well that's my critque, please remember that it is only opinions, there to help provoke thought and discussion.

Also please consider not only posting poems and responding to comments made on it but to also take the time to comment on other people's work, don't worry about knowing or not knowing the technical aspects of poetry....none of us here do, just give an honest opinion of your interpretation of poems. Anyways, thanks for sharing your poem, I think it's a great concept with a lot of potential. Take care,
Trevor

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2000-02-05 10:40 AM

Hi Seraph, and I also wish you a long and fruitful stay in the CA.

I don't have time right now to read the whole poem (as you warned it is lenghty) but I was immediately drawn into the first two paragraphs. I definately will get back to it later and try to add my bit. (I would have said two cents worth but I think the lovely and talented Jenni now owns that phrase.)

Well you do already have a in-depth critique from the ever soft spoken Trevor, which is also lengthy so I don't have time to study it either. But his advice is usually pretty good. And I will get back later.

Thanks.

Pete

What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity --
sufficiently sublime in their simplicity --
for the mere enunciation of my theme?
Edgar Allan Poe

Ted Reynolds
Member

since 1999-12-15

Posts 331

3 posted 2000-02-06 02:46 PM

This is fascinating to me, because (probably unaware) you have come up with what is *almost* a translation, from earlier English into modern terms, of the scenes in the Castle of False Love, in Book Three of Edmund Spenser's "The Fairy Queen," from the 1590s. You might look at the original, for additional fine-tuning of your vision.

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