navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » City Block Exchange
Critical Analysis #1
Post A Reply Post New Topic City Block Exchange Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
leon
Junior Member
since 1999-12-13
Posts 23


0 posted 2000-02-02 05:29 PM


City Block Exchange


There's no small kindness in L.A.,
only a large willingness to endure
each other. A problem we face
daily are the rude awakenings:
people. It is cold outside.
In this imitated-summer weather,
sunshine is engaged with warmth,
committed to lose shadows by air--
though trampled on by busy streets,
has motorist and pedestrians, all
avoid each other. Everyone hears
a horn rudely toots.
We could exchange smiles--but why
this smog of heaviness carried?
Seen in the crowded downtown chill,
between stone buildings, a look
for us, like Novocaine. Numb,
unbothered, we don't notice
a happy sign is hard to find.


copyright 1999 - Leon J.W.

© Copyright 2000 leon - All Rights Reserved
Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
1 posted 2000-02-02 09:02 PM


Hello Leon,

"There's no small kindness in L.A.,
only a large willingness to endure
each other."

Great opening line.

"A problem we face
daily are the rude awakenings:
people. It is cold outside.
In this imitated-summer weather,"

Good use of metaphor with the "cold outside"...took me a second read to catch it.

"sunshine is engaged with warmth,
committed to lose shadows by air--"

I found this part a little confusing. Do the shadows represent the masses? If so why "lose shadows by air--"?

"though trampled on by busy streets,
has motorist and pedestrians, all
avoid each other."

Is "has" supposed to be "as"? Consider expanding on the theme of avoidance in this part. Might give a little more depth to the poem.

"Everyone hears
a horn rudely toots.
We could exchange smiles--but why
this smog of heaviness carried?"

Consider perhaps using another word other than "toots", it didn't seem "rude" enough for the description.

"Seen in the crowded downtown chill,
between stone buildings, a look
for us, like Novocaine. Numb,
unbothered, we don't notice
a happy sign is hard to find."

Liked the ending except for the last line. "happy sign" seemed a little flat in comparison to the few lines before it. Just a thought and opinion. Thanks for the read, take care,
Trevor


leon
Junior Member
since 1999-12-13
Posts 23

2 posted 2000-02-02 09:21 PM


Thanks Trevor for the comments. Your suggests were right on the money. I can see now this poem definately needs some more work (as well as correcting a few mistakes I made--oh, no!!!).

Sincerely,
Leon

jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
3 posted 2000-02-03 09:02 AM


Leon:

This brought back memories for me, stuck in traffic on the 91 Freeway driving past Angel Stadium.  I know that's Orange County but, hey, it's all crowded down there.

I echo Trevor's sentiments on the opening line.  I thought it was very strong.  I also think that "blares" would be a better word that "toots".

My one question is on your metaphor use.  I am led to believe by you "it's cold outside" (I realize this is not necessarily a description of the weather conditions) and "imitated-summer weather" that you are describing L.A. in the winter.  Then you use a smog metaphor later in you poem.  What stood out to me while I was reading this was the surprising clearness of the air during the winter months in So. California (no smog).  Even Riverside was clear of the nasty stuff.  

Maybe a shift of seasons in the poem would eliminate this or maybe I was just lucky when I lived in Southern California.  Well, there was the Northridge Earthquake, the Laguna wildfires and the Malibu mudslides while I was there so maybe "lucky" is the wrong word.  

Please correct me if I'm wrong about the smog thing.  I enjoyed this.  Thanks.

 Jim

"If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther


leon
Junior Member
since 1999-12-13
Posts 23

4 posted 2000-02-03 01:55 PM


Thanks jboulder for your reply. The poem was originally written last summer when I first arrived in L.A.

I'm from the east coast, so I'm not too familiar with smog. Fog, yes. I only used smog because fog didn't sound right for L.A.

As for imitated-summer weather, I'm thinking of changing it to imitated-pleasant weather. But overall, I like this city for some reason. Maybe it's the palm trees, or maybe because I don't have to dig my car out from a pile of snow during the winter season.

Leon

Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
5 posted 2000-02-03 02:24 PM


Hello,

Just thought I'd add that I like your idea of "imitated pleasant weather", seems to fit in with the poem better.

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » City Block Exchange

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary