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Critical Analysis #1
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hoppy
Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271


0 posted 2000-02-01 07:02 PM


Blind


Can't you open your blind eyes and see
This cloned world is coming down on me
I run to the boarder i'm trying to flee
All that I do for each of you, you do not see
Can't you open your blind eyes and see
Can't you close your criticizing mouth and see
This lacking bit of logic is killing me
I run to the edge of this world and attempt to flee
Nothing I do for you will never be enough for you to see
Can't you open your blind eyes and see

We go round and round till noone can see
This bright bit of darkness-this dark world of insanity
A shot in the dark a scream in the night, we just hope
That this bullet's not meant for me tonight.
All the redundancy you do not see,
Why can't you open your blind eyes and see
It all breaks down and goes round and round
Again and again you stand up to watch me fall down
You stand and watch me fall down
Still through this great chaos our redundant
World still spins round and round till
God stands and shall it all fall down
This world keeps turning round'

Can't you open your blind eyes and see
This cloned world is coming down on me
I run to the boarder i'm trying to flee
All that I do for each of you, you do not see
Can't you open your blind eyes and see
Can't you just open those eyes and see,
this is all you'll ever see of me.

--Written by: Hoppy


1-30-00  



 "Which is the dream?"

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© Copyright 2000 Hoppy - All Rights Reserved
jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
1 posted 2000-02-02 04:26 PM


Hoppy:

Welcome to Critical Analysis.

I suspect that you wrote this to be lyrics to a song.  I personally don't have a problem with this but I do think that music adds a layer to song lyrics that just doesn't come across as well when you see the lyrics on the printed page.

"Can't you open your blind eyes and see
This cloned world is coming down on me
I run to the [border] i'm trying to flee
All that I do for each of you, you do not see
Can't you open your blind eyes and see
Can't you close your criticizing mouth and see
This lacking bit of logic is killing me
I run to the edge of this world and attempt to flee
Nothing I do for you will never be enough for you to see
Can't you open your blind eyes and see"

This reads very much like a verse in a song.  The references to the "lacking bit of logic" is vague as is the accusation of the "criticizing mouth".  What bit of logic is lacking?  What, specifically, are the criticisms that are "killing" the speaker?

The second and third stanzas gave me the same impression as the first (as to it's seeming like lyrics to a song).  The rhythm of words like "insanity" and "redundancy" didn't flow smoothly (another thing I think, put to music, could be cured).

I would suggest, if this was not meant to be put to music, that you focus in on one or two things about those "blind eyes" don't see.  I'm not sure what they see after reading this.  Be specific.  What doesn't the other party see?  We all want to know!  

Jim


hoppy
Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271

2 posted 2000-02-02 04:36 PM


accually this was written to be a song but i figured i'd post it as a poem anyway.  But in songs and poetry i like the ambiguity of everything not being explained as in the part of what other "other party" dosn't see. I like open ended and halfway explained writting, leaves room for the reader to use his imagination

 "If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity."

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Don't look... you might see.
Don't listen... you might hear.
Don't think... you might learn.
Don't walk... you might stumble.
Don't run... you might fall.
Don't make a decision... you might be wrong.
Don't live...you might die.

THE PAGE OF PURE POETIC EXPRESSION!!



Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
3 posted 2000-02-03 01:46 AM


I think perhaps we come from two different traditions here. There is a huge difference between half explained writing, ambiguity and alternate interpretations. This poem is just hard to 'see'. And while I agree with Jim it could work as a song, it doesn't work for me as poetry because you've given the reader so little to work with. First and foremost, a poem has to motivate a reader to attempt an interpretation; the reader must be moved to think further and to think about the words. If that doesn't happen, all the theories in the world aren't going to help you.

Like to hear it with the music some time.
Brad

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