»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Breathing
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Breathing |
|
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
|
huddled on cold cement steps, she stares at them, and feels so very alone. playing dodgeball, yelling, screaming, pushing, breath visible in translucent clouds, upon exhalation of winter air. filling their lungs, again and again, leaving vaporous trails as they run. her breath is not apparent, blue plaid covers her mouth, tied in back, tangled in blonde hair, to warm the air for the bronchi that spasms and narrows in her body's mistaken response to so very many things. Once, her lips blue, and face dusky, eyes frozen wide in panic, as the tiny bit of air she was able to inhale, squeaked and rattled it's way down her trachea, they rushed her in for a shot of epinephrine. so, alone she sits in the cold, a spectator, not by choice, but by condition. Kristine [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 02-01-2000).] |
||
| © Copyright 2000 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Kristine I've only got a second or two but I read this and was overcome by an overwhelming feeling of pity for the speaker. The very first stanza sets this mood and it is carried and developed through the poem. I'd like to say a lot more about this but I haven't time now .. but one thing's for sure this poem succeeds Philip |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Philip, For the speaker or the subject? I did not intend for the speaker to be pitied, nor, for that matter, the subject. Compassion for the girl is what I hoped to achieve. I'm glad you think the piece is worthy, and thank you for your always kind comments. (Well, on second thought, you've thrown me a zinger or two here and there, but only when deserved)  Kristine "We of the craft are all crazy..." Lord Byron |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
This immediately painted a picture for me of my two beautiful grand daughters who both suffer from asthma. Thanks. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kris: I'm going to try something new here: criticism THEN accollades. Okay, accollades first as usual (I hate change, after all):You leave me with very little material with this one to build any kind of "real" criticism. My youngest son (19 mos. old) (not Donovan, btw) was hospitalized once with bronchilitus (he was having considerable difficulty breathing). The doctors said that many such kids develop asthma later on in life. This was scary enough for me and my wife. I hadn't really considered, much, what Kyle (my little one) must have been thinking/feeling. Thanks for getting the old wheels turning in my head. The one question I have is concerning your use of the word "transparent". When I think of transparent I think of glass or clear water. Don't you mean "semi-transparent" or "translucent"? Compassion and simpathy rung loud and clear in my mind after reading this one, btw. I'm sure Philip was just typing in haste. PS: Pete's a grand-pop?!? Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Pete, I feel a great deal of compassion and sympathy for your cherished granddaughters. The subject is me, although I outgrew my asthma, and hopefully, they will too. It runs in our family, and many of my nieces and nephews have, or have had, it. Teach, Of course, you're right...you're always right...grrummmph I'll change it to "translucent". Thanks for saying I got the picture across, though. That's what I meant to do, in addition to how the feeling of being in any way "different" to a child can isolate her/him in some manner.Kris "We of the craft are all crazy..." Lord Byron |
||
|
branique New Member
since 2000-01-30
Posts 6 |
warmhrt, I dont know what to say, this condition is foreign to me, im glad someone has gave an insight on how this condition really is, when i read it I tried to imagine myself instantly without breath or the means to breath. thank you, it was very informative. |
||
|
Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Kristine Jim's right of course (as always) I was in a rush .. I meant the subject ... sorry ~blush~ Philip |
||
|
roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
warmhrt i had a dear teacher who died of an asthma attack a couple of years ago. i thought of her reading this. you did a great job describing this girl. it was very sad. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
