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The Weight of a Voice (sequel to My Autistic Son)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Weight of a Voice (sequel to My Autistic Son) |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash 
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I never thought I’d have to stand and fight Against the very people charged to teach My son to learn to speak and help him reach What some might call a normal life. Tonight, Like many other nights, my doubts indict The righteousness of my resolve, impeach The soundness of my judgement, whereas each Delay exacerbates a young boy’s plight. It’s hard enough to raise my son without The added obstacles that aggravate The fear of knowing every minute choice I make must be, without the slightest doubt, In his best interest; a grievous weight That I must bear to give my boy a voice. < !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 02-01-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hey, it looks like I get to be first again (second time in the last week). Well, Jim, as we have come to expect of you, this is a perfect example of an Italian sonnet. The rhyme and meter are again spot on. As for "My Autistic Son" the content is very touching. I can only try to imagine the unending frustration which must be associated with trying to raise an autistic child. The added burden of having to deal with the bureaucracy has to be stifling. My only suggestion, and it is just that, is the word "people" in the second line seems a little weak, or maybe too generic. I think something a little stronger or more specific might help. I don't, however, have any help on it at this time. Maybe it's just me and it's really fine as is. Well done. A fascinating poem. Thanks for the read. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jim, My heart went out to you as I read this... The frustrations must be at times too much to bear, yet you know you must go on. Has he seen an OT and had sensory integration tx? It usually works wonders after some time... BTW..good sonnet. Kristine P.S. You obviously have not read my last poem, or did not like it, as it's subject matter should've impelled you to reply. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Pete: Thanks for replying, Pete. I'm glad you liked this. Someone has to keep sonnet fever alive, right?  Kris: The trick in my situation is instilling the same sense of urgency in the administrators and faculty as I have in getting my son the help he needs. He has been through an excellent battery of evaluations by the Division of TEACCH (a highly respected organization that studies and recommends treatment strategies for autistic and communication delayed children). My wife and I know exactly what Donovan (my oldest son) needs but red tape has kept him out of a special school program for over two months now. The same bureaucracy coordinates most of the other programs available to him. My wife and I have been trying to light fires under these people's feet trying to get Donovan into some of these programs. The whole situation is maddening. I'll read that poem you posted this afternoon, by the way. I'm a little behind in reading and commenting. Later. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
This is right in the same level of excellence as the first in the (series?) It's tough enough with just normally weird kids, and to put myself in your place . . . and your sonnets make me do that . . . Well, let me be critical. Criticism of "B" importance -- your first four lines point us towards the obstacles created by others, but the rest speaks only of the difficulties of your own decisions. I therefore got thrown off a bit the first time through. Empasise one thread a little, or de-emphasize the other? Criticism of "C" importance. There's some sort of pileup of abstract and polysyllabic words in lines 6 through 8 that I had trouble breaching. Only me? Basically solid, and certainly gets message across, heart and spirit. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Fear not, my undauntable friend, I am far from through with sonnets. I just thought they might deserve a short break. Keep the faith  Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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simplyYRREHS Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 162 |
OH JB...this is just wonderful. I have to admit, it was the title that snagged me, and I got excited just knowing that this was a sequel... Once again, you have expressed, with thorough eloquence, a situation which is far from simple. A strength, you must possess, that I will never fully understand or be capable of. As for "critiquing" this one...will leave that for those more inclined to expertise, but I wanted you to know how much I enjoyed this one!  Sherry "The finest qualities of our nature, like the bloom on fruits, can be preserved only by the most delicate handling. Yet, we do not treat ourselves nor another thus tenderly." ~Henry David Thoreau |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Ok Jim its late here and I'm risking what's left of my marriage to look at this so its gotta be quick .. (the things I do for you friend )...Please can I say that the same comments apply as in my post on the first sonnet about your son and again I'm hesitant about critiquing however I've tried to turn off from the message a little this time .. maybe that's a mistake. I say that because I think that in the case of this poem the "message" IS the poem. As one would expect from you the meter rhyme and form etc appear to be pretty much perfect but for some reason the irritation desperation and even despair that the speaker so obviously felt seemed somehow to "deaden" the poetry a little. It was almost as if this was more of a kind of soapbox railing against the injustices of a system and I have to say I didn't think that it sat particularly well with the sonnet form.. I'm inclined to think that some form of free verse might have been more effective. Having said that when I switched back onto the message my sympathy for your plight certainly dominated everthing else and for me made the reading experience well worthwhile .. .. as always Jim .. just an opinion .. take care Philip |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hey there Jim, Loved the last one so I had to comment on this one. Structurally its a pretty sound sonnet though I did stumble every time on ",minute choice/ I make must be", but I don't know if its the wording or my reading ability. Also I thought the apostraphe before "minute" wasn't needed. I probably shouldn't compare prt. 1 and prt. 2 but since it seems to be a continuation, I'm gonna anyways. I'm gonna agree a bit with what Phillip said, I thought this one to be a little more "flat" then the last though not for the same reasons as he because I didn't really get a "preachy" feel from it more of a man aggravated and desperate. However I thought it lacked the intimacy of the last one and please don't take this the wrong way Jim, but I found it to be a bit forced....perhaps that's why I felt it lacked the same emotional depth. Personally I would love to see you tackle this subject in free verse where you won't be limited by meters, line counts and rhyming schemes. And not to sound like a donkey's cousin, I think such a complex and emotional subject should be allowed to run a bit more freely. .....and on the positive side I really loved the last line. I thought it wrapped up the theme wonderfully.Anyways Jim, thanks for sharing this poem, take care, Trevor P.S. There's a sonnet hotline number I want to give you. It's twelve easy steps to kick the sonnet habit. "Hi my name is Trevor, I'm a recovering sonnet'ier. I haven't written a sonnet in 9 months but last week I saw someone reading Macbeth and I felt an urge..." J/K...I just can't help myself sometimes. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Jim Trevor put it better than I did (I guess really was tired last night!) .. I agree with all he said, especially the "run more freely" suggestion .. Hey I know he's a heathen foreigner like me, but you really gotta take notice when we agree on something Oh and another thing, you take my advice and call that hotline ... also I believe there's some sorta patch you can stick to your arm as well ...... !! Bfn Philip |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
I want to thank everyone for replying to this. I realize that it follows on the heels of its emotionally moving forebear and this may be part of the reason why this seemed "flat" or "lacking emotional depth" when compared to "My Autistic Son". As always, I appreciate your honest assessments. Ted: Your criticism of "B" importance, involving the source the "obsticles". In my situation the obsticles are closely related even though they have different sources. The procrastination of the "experts" is an external obsticle that forces me to be more aggressive. The weight of the doubt and responsibility, the "Who am I to question the 'experts'" line of thinking, are internal obsticles but, in my thinking anyway, it is impossible to separate those internal obsticles from the external cause. Your criticism of "D" importance: I read those lines and I think you may be thrown off a bit by the enjambment in these lines. I purposely wrote parts of this poem to be read like you would read anything else. Perhaps you feel as though you want to stop or pause in your reading when you get to the ends of the lines. Try reading, pausing only when punctuation calls for a pause and let me know if that clears the "pileup" for you. Sherry: Thanks for your kind comments. All of you, however, who say "I am not capable of such strength" are selling themselves short. I am convinced any of you would do quite well if you were in similar situations. Philip: I always prefer total honesty and I appreciate your sensitivity. I am always mindful that constructive criticism is helpful, even when one's heart is poured into one's writing. The first poem was more of a declaration of unconditional love for my son (inspite of his disabilities) and I expected this one to come across a little flat in comparison ("frustration" and "self doubt" are not conditions that often tug on the heart-strings like one's love for a child, you know). I may have taken liberties with the sonnet format here but I must say I don't see the "soapbox railing" in this that you see. Perhaps this is another example of what Brad has been talking about lately. PS: Do they make a patch that cures or reduces the irritation wives experience when their husbands spend all their time in Passions? If not, someone should invent that.Trevor: I'm not sure what you ment by "forced" but I suspect that the sense of intimacy was lacking because my son was not in the forefront of this. This was more about me and my experiences and I think it is easier (and natural) to evoke a sense of intimacy when you can "see" the smiling, laughing, crying child described in the poem. This detailed imagery of my little boy was not present in this poem. What do you think of this theory of mine? Trevor & Philip: I don't have a sonnet writing problem ... er ... I can quit writing sonnets whenever I want to ... er ... I can control my sonnet writing ... I only write sonnets in moderations ... drat!!! (euphemism pursuant to Brad's request). Thanks for the suggestions, my friends, but I'm afraid my Sonnetitis is terminal.  Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hey Jim, "I'm not sure what you ment by "forced" but I suspect that the sense of intimacy was lacking because my son was not in the forefront of this." I didn't want to use the word contrived because I believe all poetry is that and the word is usually percieved as something evil, but it just didn't seem to flow like it "wrote itself". It wasn't as smooth and accurate as I think you are capable of producing....but then again perhaps its just I who is not picking up on the true feeling of the poem. "This was more about me and my experiences and I think it is easier (and natural) to evoke a sense of intimacy when you can "see" the smiling, laughing, crying child described in the poem. This detailed imagery of my little boy was not present in this poem. What do you think of this theory of mine?" I think its probably pretty close to the truth. I guess I wanted to hear more about the world of you two together rather then a focus on one or the other. I thought it would have been interesting for you to have included something on whether you think your son realizes how much effort you put to try and help him lead a "normal" life and whether or not you think your child understands what frustrations you are going through....perhaps even a tie in that you are aggravated by a feeling of being in a situation you can't control and so is he. Kind of like not only is your son's "true voice" silenced but so is yours in a way because you can't get through all the red tape and make the beaurocrats (sp?) hear your impassionate plea to get your child the help he needs. They don't fully understand what you are trying to do just like your son probably doesn't fully understand either. Anyways, I just talked the ear of corn there, sorry, I just love to babble on. But honestly I would love to see a combination of the first poem and this one in a free verse format. I think you could do a lot more with it in a more open format. Just my opinion Jimbo, and to quote the talented Jenni, "it's worth about what you paid for it." Take care,Trevor |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hi again Trevor: I love when you babble, btw. Once I sift all the sediment through my pan I often find some rather large gold nuggets. I actually considered mentioning some contemplations about whether my son realized (or would ever realize) the efforts I put forth in order to meet the challenges that go along with his disability. I decided against this in here for two reasons: (1) it caused my message to become less precise (precision and compactness of message is important in a sonnet) and (2) I wanted to convey a sense of my isolation in my own thoughts. This may sound self-centered on my part and it may give the impression that I am moping but, hey, I'm human. I'll consider a free-verse version but it is not actively in the works now. I'm thinking of sticking to a sonnet format for this series(?). Actually, the next one isn't even in the works yet but I expect that, as new obsticles and breakthroughs surface, there will be more to come. Thanks again for the reply. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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branique New Member
since 2000-01-30
Posts 6 |
My first time ever meeting someone autistic was in babe ruth baseball and guess what he was very good a the sport, it made me want to get to know him a little better because he didnt get things as easy as the rest of us but i know one thing when he did, he was better thin the rest of us, i guess what im trying to say is that when they finlly get it weather speaking or playing baseball your going to be so amazed at how well he can do it. What I got from your read is success, because before success there is a struggle, a very long and vigoures struggle and that sucees is going to taste so sweet that when you compose your next work youll be expressing tears of joy and laughter that will be felt all across this web page. im not qualified to critisize the technical side of this read, what i got out of it is all you put into it, and thats the struggle. its coming, and I cant wait till the better day to come for you. |
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