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Ancillary Benefits
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Ancillary Benefits |
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sirreen Junior Member
since 2000-01-16
Posts 19OR, USA |
Ancillary Benefits agony rumbles in the deep gut of the soul irony cuts deep, even to the marrow ecstasy shines on the dark side of the sun tyranny reigns from it’s seat on high... karma looms like a monolithic power doubt devours all reason in time insensitivity grooms a companion and lover sensibility whimpers and dies... dubious intention is gilded in platinum idle distraction is flaunted as gem deception the tool in the hands of a maker titillation lures in a shaman’s rite... retaliation pilfers validity from kindness retribution suffers for no dearth of prey vengeance the champion of both meek and mighty truncated dignity the ticket to ride... spiritual desiccation education’s intention degradation of reason simply the norm a non-thinking process in the midst of monopoly ignorance dictates what is kind... ...in the peripheral vision of the mind sirreen "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds" Albert Einstein |
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
Titillation, eh? Hmm.... A lot of people are going to read this poem and say, "Oh yeth...that'th tho troo...." I'm not going to bother with the statements that you were trying to make, because they rang very badly in my head because of the bad taste the structure left in my mind. It was badly done beat poetry, essentially. Maybe even a little bit of Kurt Cobain influence (or at least similarity), in that near the end it became a bunch of good-sounding phraseologies that kind of offset one another in their meanings, creating an irony of sorts... Also, the subjectification of irony, tyranny, and all the rest of that in the first stanza was a bad way to start off the poem. If you're going to do a poem like this, EASE us into it. I didn't know what the hell you were trying to say. Even at the end, it was just like, "What? Huh?" I re-read it and understood most of it, but it just struck me as a bunch of ten-point words thrown together more for sound and look than connotation or meaning. I may be too literal on this. A lot of people are going to like this poem based on the merit of the auditory and visual portions of the word choice. I, for one, prefer to have a stronger meaning to the poetry I read. So, setting aside the meanings (or lack thereof) of your phraseology, you've got a decent "sounding" poem. Not my cup of tea, though...take heart that I speak for no one's aesthetic preference but my own. See you around. Wordshaman [This message has been edited by Wordshaman (edited 01-30-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Sireen: Welcome to Passions and to Critical Analysis. I commend your on your bravery, submitting your first post to open criticism (positive sometimes, negative sometimes, constructive always). I suppose what stands out most in your poem is your word usage. Precise word use is fine and, in poetry, sound is as important as the meaning. I think, in this, you go overboard a little bit on the five-dollar words. I will touch on some specifics in a little bit. "agony rumbles in the deep gut of the soul irony cuts deep, even to the marrow ecstasy shines on the dark side of the sun tyranny reigns from it’s seat on high..." The beginning is a little vague but it is colorful enough, linguistically, to keep me reading. You use "deep" in both Lines 1 & 2 of your first stanza. Perhaps "deep gut" could be replaced with "recesses". I think this serves to both eliminate one use of "deep" and improve the sound of the first line ("gut" is a bit jarring). "karma looms like a monolithic power doubt devours all reason in time insensitivity grooms a companion and lover sensibility whimpers and dies..." I liked this stanza. It began to tell me what you were getting at with this (hints of popular culture's escape from reason). The only thing I am not sure of is your use of "karma" as the first word of the first line in this stanza. Do you mean "karma" negatively? It's kind of hard to be certain of this but the "monolithic" New Age "karma" concept, as you describe it, seems, in this context, to be supplanting the pedestal reserved for Lady Reason (I think there is a statue by that name somewhere in France ... this isn't what you had in mind, was it?). "dubious intention is gilded in platinum idle distraction is flaunted as gem deception the tool in the hands of a maker titillation lures in a shaman’s rite..." Doesn't "gilded" mean "covered with gold"? I, personally, thought that some play on the word "idle" (idle/idol) would work better with a metaphoric precious metal plating. I thought that would have been clever. I don't like the sound of "titillation". If I told you what it made me think of the ogrish Moderator Brad would delete my reply.  "retaliation pilfers validity from kindness retribution suffers for no dearth of prey vengeance the champion of both meek and mighty truncated dignity the ticket to ride..." I know "pilfers" means what you want it to say but it lacks the violence or threat of violence that a much simpler word such as "robs" would communicate. The phrase "truncated dignity the ticket to ride" is a keeper. "spiritual desiccation education’s intention degradation of reason simply the norm a non-thinking process in the midst of monopoly ignorance dictates what is kind..." This is the most pointed stanza in your poem and my greatest regret is that it occurred so late. I "found" the meaning at the end of your poem rather than it "hitting me in the head". I think a poem like this, particularly one about this subject, should be as direct and hard hitting as possible. "...in the peripheral vision of the mind" This was, compared to the previous stanza, relatively weak. I think that you make the mistake of trying to beat up on the sophists with big words rather than beating the sophists with the big stick of reason. You use many excellent words but much of there meaning is lost in the relative obcurity of some of your stanzas. I think building a strong foundation for your last, four lined stanza would benefit this piece remarkably. You have an excellent message here, one that I happen to agree with entirely. A little refinement and this could be more than just a slap on the wrists. If all of the stanzas would have been as clear as your last (the four line stanza) then this would have been a kick in the teeth. Get my meaning? I don't want you to be discouraged by any of this. I see a great deal of potential in this and I see an excellent message but I would like to see it buffed to a shine. Again, welcome to Passions. I look forward to reading more of your work. Jim Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Welcome Sirreen! Nice work. I can see that you've been doing a lot of reading here. Hope to see more.Kristine P.S. I see you've also met the resident professor...he can give some helpful advice, so give him a chance. |
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merely_a_jester Member
since 2000-01-14
Posts 67Arkansas... that's all you get |
in all truth i can say that this is a great poem... i think my favorite line is "ecstasy shines on the dark side of the sun" in the first stanza... for some reason the imagery in that sentence just gives me shivers... i think... maybe it's just cold in here... but, anyway, don't be discouraged by some of the critiques that you may get in here. by and by, most of them (like jboulder) know their stuff and are very helpful, though there are a very small population of opinionated and spiteful people, just remember to write what comes from the heart... i myself am not one to give anything that resemble a critique based on my knowledge in english or the arts... i just say what i like, so don't expect anything but support from me when it comes to "good" poetry (or what i'd deem so )welcome (i probably should have said that at the first huh) just another twice complaciant creature To Be, contents his natural desire, He asks no Angel's wing, no Seraph's fire; Alexander Pope |
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sirreen Junior Member
since 2000-01-16
Posts 19OR, USA |
Whew! I feel like I've just been jumped into a gang. And I feel a bit found out. My own criticism of the piece would have been that it was someone tossing around big words to sound authoritative. Caught me there. I like the replacement of "deep gut" with "recesses." I think I'll use that. Not so sure about "robs" for "pilfer" though. I chose "pilfer" for the furtive, sneaky connotation. Guess it didn't come off. Oddly enough, I felt the least confident about, "truncated dignity the ticket to ride." Isn't "ticket to ride" in a Beatles song or something. I thought that was the weakest line. Agree the first stanza is weak. This thing sat around since '94 as only the first stanza and the last line. I got it out the other day and did this little dusting off. I s'pose I should have kept going and buffed with a little more elbow grease. While it is humbling, this kind of pointed critique is exactly why I posted the piece. No matter what people say, even constructive critcism is hard to take as anything but personal. Thanks to all for going easy on me this first time out of the gate. "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds" Albert Einstein |
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