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Critical Analysis #1
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Her body flouresces against the night
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Her body flouresces against the night |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
The street lamp stands over the road head down like a solus sunflower pouring soft radiant beams into the car. The resplendent tendrils reach for her and never quite touch her only fade in the efflorescence of her body agianst the night. The smell of sex in her car is thick and full of thoughts. Why’s and what’s I see them float before my eyes, like colours across the sky In her, next to her I reach for her mouth until my lips are numb with life. We push for pleasure to silence the pain Like to opposing thoughts we wrangle and twist until it all sounds the same I pull a cigarette to my mouth, take a deep breath wanting the death of nicotine in my lungs I bend to her one last time kiss her lips, sweet salacious lips and let the smoke drift into her like my love quite, slow and mad |
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| © Copyright 2000 Anthony Di Bartolomeo - All Rights Reserved | |||
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
Tony i've got some questions. What does flouresces mean? I've never heard it before. Also what is efflorescence, do you mean effervesence? Also I don't know what salacious means, which is negligence on my part, because there was a character in Star WArs whose name was Salacious Crumb (I don't know why i remember it, probably because its so unique) and i used to know its meaning, but don't use it so often in conversation or writing so i lost it. Where to start with my critique. Let me say first that there is a lot of good in the poem. I like the lamp as a sunflower, and two opposing thoughts wrangling to sound the same. The concept is a good one, but i think you need to be more clear with it. Are you talking about sex in a car? Or are you talking about having sex in a car at night? Is the night important, because you allude to it in your opening, but don't expland on it, except to say "like colours in the sky", which seems a bit out of place, considering its nighttime. Also i found some of the language a bit long winded i.e. The resplendent tendrils reach for her.....only fade in the effervescence of her body against the night... take a deep breath wanting the death of nicotine in my lungs.....and sweet salacious lips. If you try to make the language more powerful, i think the poem will work better. For example Head down like a solus sunflower The street lamp hunches over the road And pours its radiant beams into the car. The glowing tendrils reach for her Lunging Stretching But never quite touching They only fade Into the effervescence Of her body Against the night IN other words, try to make the language in a stronger tense, and try to refine the adjectives if you can. Description is good, but too much description can make something ugly. Its like overfilling a glass-you can only drink so much. ANyway, keep on writing, you have some good ideas... quote: |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
Flouresence? Maybe I spelled it wrong(did the damn spell check) I mean it like the scientific meaning of when and object is activated by light. THe molecules of a substance are hit by light and the energy excites the molecules and then they them selves give of the light. efflorescence... means to flower, so her body flower against the night... salacious means lustful i.e her lustful lips... Thank you for your input. I have rewritten this poem 6 times in the last two weeks. It rather amazing to watch the progression og a peice of poetry. Your input will definitley by useful see ya |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Well I thought this was very good indeed .. very very good. I agree with Patch up to a point in that the imagery in places is quite excellent ... i don't agree though about the obscurity of the piece .. It is enough for me that two people in a difficult relationship (a sweet and bitter relationship .. contrasts) are in a car together. the atmosphere and tension are painted well .. that is enough .. Great moments are: The street lamp stands over the road head down like a solus sunflower The smell of sex in her car is thick and full of thoughts. until my lips are numb with life. (takes some thinking about tho ..lol) We push for pleasure to silence the pain and let the smoke drift into her like my love quite, slow and mad I could go on ... there was so much good about this Thanks Philip |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Tony: I thought this one was very well done. The imagery is just as strong as in your first post but this has an added strength of being concise. "Every word tells," as I read from someone, somewhere while in high school too many years ago. I didn't think the poem was at all obscure (of course I had to pull out my Webster's Dictionary a time or two) but after looking up "flouresces" and "efflorescense" I appreciated your play on those similar words. And I also enjoyed those "great moments" Philip mentions. One piddly, minute, tiny, miniscule, petty (get my idea yet?) detail. The phrase, "wanting the death of nicotine in my lungs" is inaccurate. While nicotine does constrict blood vessels and increase the heartrate, the "death" of cigarette smoke is in the tar and ash. So, basically, this poem MUST have been good if this is all I could scrape up.  Thanks for the read. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
This is a great piece, but some of the lines had me scratching my head. You'd decided on a powerful, vivid language for the piece, but then fell short on some of your adjective, simile, and metaphor usage... "radiant beams" rang hollow...something else, maybe.... "I see them float before my eyes like colors in the sky..." was just awful. The simile needs work, or just delete it altogether. Also, it seems to me that you missed some opportunity to tie some things together... the "flower" imagery of the light, and then the "death" statement of the cigarette at the end...could be a good thing. Well, that's all I've got to offer you right now...see you around, surely. Wordshaman |
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