»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
The Beach
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
The Beach |
|
|
Chris Goodman Member
since 2000-01-28
Posts 92Issaquah, Washington usa |
The Beach The beach-warm breeze carries the scent of sea salt through the open window. Yellow and white daisies fill the room with soft iridescent light. An echo of a violin and piano fills an empty corner space. A beautiful crocheted hanky shyly hides beneath Tiffany’s original colors. Wrinkled black & whites take home to silver and gold frames. Colored ones show her beautiful eyes and wild smile a little better. Soon, the star filled sky will gently tease the room’s mirrors with glowing patterns. Barely burnt wicks smoke slowly to a small flame. The dusty old smell of all the room’s treasures aid in the blossom of memories. Crashing waves now shake the Country French Chandeliers. Mirielle loved the blue and white light that gleamed across the room. She watched boats come into the English Channel and had great plans to marry a sailor boy. Making love to the thought had been a shameless hobby of young Mirielle. Calais danced to the rhythm of Mirelle. Her youthful beauty took the time to escort a bundle of countryside men. Some came for the elaborate conversations and private dinner parties. Others came for the exhilarating experience of brushing young Mirelle’s raven locks. Either way Mirelle lived for each passing moment and took nothing too seriously. If only she would have been a bit grounded. Maybe the silver and gold frames would be filled with pictures of a family. Perhaps a husband would have left the smell of cigars and brandy. A great masterpiece! “A room at the beach filled with things I loved”, by Mirelle. If only this diary held some truth to her thoughts of love. She did indeed love this room. She loved her wine and song. She adored the young sailor boys that were swept out to sea by large vessels. Yet no sign of true love. Perhaps the story is best without an ending. Thinking of the beach with Mirelle is enticing. Life imitates art too often. Mirelle never had a single ounce of love. Smells do not lie nor hide the sinking truth of young Mirelle. Neither does this diary. She died alone in this room. She swore she would never leave Calais. Her promise kept true. [This message has been edited by Chris Goodman (edited 01-30-2000).] |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Chris Goodman - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
chris: i like the story and the words, but the verse is highly variated and it seems to turn into a prose work after the first stanza (with a poetic line dropped here and there)... perhaps i'm missing something? sincerely, jerome the boy that just made kool-aid A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
||
|
Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
It took two readings (the first one left me unsure of what was happening until the end), but I now recognize this to be incredibly wonderful. The only thing I would suggest is to be a little more poetic with your phrasings. You get too commonplace with your word choice at points. Make this piece breeze by the reader, as if they were on Calais...especially the ending, which would be wonderful with better phrasing. At other points, you almost seem to get TOO poetic. You say something really beautifully without really sticking it into the reader's head how the subject of the poem acted. I would go into specifics, but...I haven't time. My apologies. Just take a look, and maybe you'll see what I mean. Maybe you'll disagree. Either way, it's already a good piece. I think it could be better if you mixed practicality with poeticism, though. Adieu et au revoir. Wordshaman [This message has been edited by Wordshaman (edited 01-30-2000).] |
||
|
Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Very very sad and very very beautiful. The opening stanza is just incredibly evocative - smells sounds and images all conmbine in an unobstrusive way to take the reader right there .. "Wrinkled black & whites take home to silver and gold frames." was a great line. Once the scene is set, the story takes over and I guess that is why you chose a completely different narrative form and less poetic style .. for me it works fine .. and yes, beautiful and sad is the way I see this .. Thank you Chris Philip |
||
|
Buffpimp Junior Member
since 2000-01-23
Posts 39 |
Chris, You left me speechless. Your meaning and emotional content is all there. There is no doubt that this is a "MASTERPIECE". I am starting to like these story poems more than the others  . How long did it take u to write this?? Well anyways, keep up the GOOOD work!PAtrick |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Chris, I never thought I would say this...but I think what this needs is a bit more structure, and some honing. It is a wonderfully told tale..sad, but also beautiful. I think Words gave you some good advice. Nice work, Kristine |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
