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Critical Analysis #1
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Rewrite/edit ( And the poet screams)
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Rewrite/edit ( And the poet screams) |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
What is the poet’s life? Where does the poet hide? Why does the poet see words dance, like birds through rays of ultraviolet? Is it some deviant brain or cell locked in a rose, coloured sheath of a myelin Is he a prophet, or only trying to profit, distill the events others are to busy to see Is he a quack, word weaver with no pattern. Why, how has he arrived at this junction in the road , in the sentence ,between what is, what is mind, and what shall be spoken on a blank white page. Is he a drug smoking fiend or enlightened guru Can he find the truth where he refuses to look and yet sees crystals in the eyes of strangers. Is he a child growing old or a wise man staring through eyes of eternal youth. Is a flower beautiful repulsive red or pure radiant rose? Does it hold the secrets of the universe? Can it not talk to him and only scream to him ? Can he not repeat the vulgar and the sublime wisdom that spews forth from it’s pistil, pedals, thorns, roots, **** sucking tentacles reaching for life for eternity in the soil, the beautiful brown womb that nurtures it He reaches for great minds occasionally, and does enjoy the sex, vagrant sex, begging, dirty unpure love, after intoxicating wine, red like the flesh beneath the white skin of the lily. Can anyone ever feel close to him, his heart, his pores, flowing with sweat as they dance like cobras, one fatal dance. He longs for his muse, for breath to steal, his heart to give, for warmth to feel He longs like the flower for the soil Is this the poet one who sees all, talks of nothing, finds meaning in the passage of time and the random events that precipitate through the eternal moment Can he give through his words everything a soul and yet cannot find his own? He travels, in and out dazed through dreams night mares, riding white horses looking and trying to synthesize the meaning of life in a single word. He looks, he finds, he losses, he is a single drop of dew, an atom in the grand universe and slowly he closes his eyes and is gone... [This message has been edited by Tony Di Bart (edited 01-30-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Anthony Di Bartolomeo - All Rights Reserved | |||
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
When i read your title, it sounded like a sports announcer saying "..and the poet screams"!, as if he had scored a goal. Great poem, i really enjoyed it. The only thing i would critique is the word rape, and the swear word. They seem too strong almost, when the rest of your language gets that across without referring to the strength explicitly. Good stuff. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Hello Tony Well you chose to post in Critical on your first post .. brave. To be brutally frank I was mentally screaming (quietly) by the time I reached the end of this piece .. just because of the sheer length, the effect of which was, for some reason, exacerbated by the very short line structure which continually broke any kind of flow (and I like flow ..lol). Having said that, reading on screen didn't help, not being able to see the full text at once. Also on the positive side there was some truly excellent imagery sprinkled around the poem which maybe you could build on for the future. Please don't let anything I say discourage you I am only a beginner and this is only my opinion. I'd love to see more of your work though ... Philip [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 01-28-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Tony .. thanks for your kind mail. You are quite right it's a lot easy when printed out .. I'm at home now so I'll give it a shot. Philip |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Tony: Welcome to Passions. I see Philip has already been here but he has refrained, for once, from committing libel against me so we can begin here with a clean slate.  You are a brave soul, sending your work into the dragon's lair of Critical Analysis.  I, like Philip, thought there was some excellent imagery and movement in this poem. I particularly enjoyed the beginning of the poem most of all. I think I began having difficulty with this when you transitioned from the questioning/contemplative "What? Where? Why? Is he ... ?" to the "He is." I think the reason for this is the "realism" (in my mind, anyway) of the questioning/contemplative section contrasts so strongly with much of the second section which just doesn't seam as realistic. I could identify with much of the first half but had difficulty identifying with much of the second. This, for me, began with "He grasps for Plato, for Socrates ..." and is exacerbated by the "Poet as Pariah" imagery. I think, maybe, if you maintained the "questioning/contemplative" format throughout more of the poem you won't disqualify so many people from identifying with the very specific "He is ..." statements. This is only my opinion, and people are bound to disagree with me (someone always does). I honestly liked the first half to the degree that I would consider it outstanding work. You started to lose me toward the end, though. Thanks for the read. The imagery and your command of language was excellent. I look forward to reading more of your poems soon. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
welcome and i echo the sentiments aforementioned concerning your bravery. this poem though, i think is too long. you touch on so many subjects, and you make a few points in it over and over that don't need to be so much repeated. i love a lot of the imagery. at the same time, lines like "red as blood" will have you thrown into platitude prison by brad (or maybe me ) it also seems just a little sexist. the way that women are addressed. the poet reaches for knowledge from men and sex from women? maybe i am getting it wrong, but i promise that there is more to learn from women than just sex.screams to him and he cannot repeat the vulgar and the sublime wisdom that spews forth from it’s pistil pedals thorns roots, **** sucking tentacles reaching for life and eternity in the soil, the beautiful brown womb that nurtures it..... i really like this part. to me, there could be several really eloquent poems in this one, and these lines could be elaborated on. obviously you have talent. i look forward to seeing more of your work. |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
I'm late in on this, so mostly I'm echoing previous comments. But I want to be sure they in no way slow you down. Your posting's very good, very evocative, yes. It's also too long, that's right. It shows real passion, true. It's got some immature positions, ("knowledge from men and sex from women" -- Roxane spotted that too.) And as Jim says, maintaining the questioning role would hold us all with you better. But it's good. If you'd posted in the open forum, everybody would be saying "wow! genius." I'll bet I'm not the only one in CritAnaly who coasted along as the very top student in a small college, and then hit grad school in a major university where *everybody* had been something like that. That's what you're getting into by posting here. You're good, but we're *all* good here. And *none* of us know all there is to know about being a poet. And we're working together to make us all better yet. Welcome aboard. |
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