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Critical Analysis #1
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Scream (love dysfunctional)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Scream (love dysfunctional) |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Wind me up baby twist me like a spring. Tighter and tighter 'til I can't feel the pain. Scatter me again just like last time. We could go on home, but I'd rather die. Take me to the water's edge. Take me there instead. So I can lose myself in pleasure. So I can lose my head. Then after a night and day; a night a day and night. We'll scream at one another 'til niether one knows why. We'll play our wicked melody on instruments of hate. We'll get sick on sick indulgence; as day gives way to day. Used to be "F me baby, like only you can do." Now it's "F you stupid c***, I don't need you." Give me a little bump... Just a litte bump... I need a little baby... Just a little bump. Show me all the secrets kept inside yourself. I'll show you some of mine if you'll promise not to tell. Kill the demons on my shoulder. Leave the monkey on my back. Tell me what you want. Show me what I lacque. Show me your everything; keep me in awe. You're a cool little kitty; With some sharp little claws. Sweeter and sweeter, it all gets so old. Summer to winter, it always grows cold. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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| © Copyright 2000 Jason L. Humphres - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
I think you should've kept with the approximate rhyme of the first stanza; it gives it less of a singsongy nature that is present in the latter portions. A good idea throughout the poem, though, and well put. The meter/rhyme situation is the only thing I'd change, poet. See ya 'round. Wordshaman |
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DesertJana Junior Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 19USA |
I have to agree with WS on the sing-song rhyme reversion but the theme and words run real close to the edges of that dysfunctional-primordial state we wallow in when love runs awry. Great Work Poet! I would LOVE to read a revised palay with a smoother more down beat! |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
As the ultimate libertarian -- as is poet -- great work from my perspective. I think it moves well so long as it says what you want it to say. |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
This is pretty cool. I love the lines of F Baby turned into F you cnt. The other thing is the lacque, is spelled lack, unless you were referring to a paint product. This is cool though, it has a definite rock and roll feel, give it some music, and it would sound great i'm sure. Take it easy. quote: |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Thanks everyone for the replies. I think the true meaning of this one may be being overlooked. It is about being in a relationship where drugs are a central role. Tell me if this comes across or not; if not please tell me why. As far as the rhyme goes, it is supposed to be some what sing-song. It helps offer rhythym to the piece I think. J.L.H. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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