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DesertJana
Junior Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 19
USA

0 posted 2000-01-26 10:47 AM


The Extreme SouthWest

1.

Time is a leper-
coyote; Silver-backed, hackles
high, stalking the dry rim
of dead rivers. Black, swollen
pads kneading earth. Crumble
rocks to sand, thirsty sand
and stones. Hunger-pacing,
swallows night like water,
chilling canyons glow
of yellow eyes.

We are here. Crouched

low in the cracked ravine. Shadows
beneath night, reed-breathing
slowly. Afraid. Familial
prey, ducking arid mud-slides,
shivering-cold under hollow songs.

Time is a leper-coyote, smelling
our fear, tracking us nightly
by scent more than sight.


2.


In this dream you are the desert
singing to circles of stone.
Crumbling. Red.
Earth, under radon night,
growing cold. In this dream
you are the desert.


I am stoned.

3.

Joshua trees bend, stultify
to echoes sanded breath
through hollow cracks.

Night .

Snakes ooze between our-
selves. Our hours
of prosperity, the pillaged prey,
swallowed like lesser

earless lizards. Deaf
to barking of silver haired bats.


4.

Morning comes on hollow notes
pealing through dry ravines.
Glowing
amber,
like mojo, melted in pastel pot.


Leper-coyotes lie low
on canyon floor, singing
desert songs to circles
of stone.


Jana

© Copyright 2000 DesertJana - All Rights Reserved
poetry_kills
Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549
new orleans
1 posted 2000-01-26 11:39 AM


jana: very good   i really like this poem... for some reason the line "We are here. Crouched" just jumped out at me... i'd have to say that one is my favorite... dont know why really... perhaps because it's alone in the structure and because it's so very simple... anyway, i loved the 4 part structure and the descriptions given... keep up the good work...

sincerely,
jerome the boy with no soul

 A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover!
~Coleridge

DesertJana
Junior Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 19
USA
2 posted 2000-01-26 01:25 PM


I thank you sincerely Jerome. Its 4 parts because it is a movement through night thoughts that bloom in a deserted heart. I appreciate the comments on "We are here. Crouched" Because that was the part that felt...out of place (to me)

Thank you again.
Jana

Local Rebel
Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767
Southern Abstentia
3 posted 2000-01-26 01:55 PM


The notion of time as predator paints a startling image.  Even more so the fact that the predator is also stalked by its own disease.

I'm interested in the transition of 'we' from being Familial prey in the first movement to 'you' being desert and 'I am stoned' in the second.

The strongest imagery here is in movement 3 of 'hours of prosperity the pillaged prey'.  

Excellent work here -- with wide open dessert spaces of reader interpretation.

DesertJana
Junior Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 19
USA
4 posted 2000-01-26 02:08 PM


Thank you much Local Rebel.

As I said, this is a movement through conscious thoughts of a deserted heart.

The beginning (we) signifies a sort of bond between the two that wears (not well) under the stalking feet and teeth of time.

In the second part...the (farthest part) of the former "we" is now a dry and arid place singing to "stone" and all of its (hard, cold,inpenetrable) imagery.
I am stoned (encased there in-as in being bronzed) I am the stone in the dream (a desired state) unphased.

In the third stanza..."Our hours of prosperity", when things were perceived as "good" were swallowed like lesser lizards (whole)

In the forth...There will be much remaining  after the anonymous second person leaves the anonymous first person alone...The magic will be mojo-like dawn.

Thank you for your comments and input LR>
Feel free to draw your own interpretations and emotions outside of my original concepts because...that is the greatest compliment to any poet.

Thank You Again
Jana

Hawk183
Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130

5 posted 2000-01-26 03:49 PM


Desert,

I really like this one also...your explanation made it all the more enjoyable...
"Time is a leper-coyote,
smelling out fear,tracking us nightly by scent more than sight."

I loved this verse...the description of time is wonderful!
Thank you very much for this one.

Hawk

DesertJana
Junior Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 19
USA
6 posted 2000-01-26 11:17 PM


Hawk,

Thank you for your kind compliments. It is the greatest compliment to reach and speak to someone.

Thank you again,
Jana

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

7 posted 2000-01-27 12:12 PM


Desert,
Nice work ... wonderful imagery.  I think

that one of the reasons I liked it so much

was because there have been countless times

that I have sat down to write, and the first

word that pops into my head is "time".  I

have never written a piece on it, though,

always just pushing the word aside.  You've

done a very good job with that word here.

warmhrt

Wordshaman
Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110
Illinois, USA
8 posted 2000-01-27 12:42 PM


It's kinda beat poetic...I can dig it.  Some of it reminds me of Jim Morrison's poetry (Out here on the perimeter, we is STONED.  IMMACULATE...)  Nice work.  
DesertJana
Junior Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 19
USA
9 posted 2000-01-27 12:47 PM


warmhrt, I thank you much. Your paraise does well to fuel the creative fires of this desert wanderer. Thank You!


WS-Big Thanks to you too! (To be compared to Morrison-Now I be Stoned and rocked right out of those sandy socks!) Thank YOOU-WHO!

coyote
Senior Member
since 2001-03-17
Posts 1077

10 posted 2001-03-20 10:11 PM


Desert? I love her.
What can I say?
Love your parabolic "woman-ness".
Great reading.

"The poet is the priest of the invisible."
Wallace Stevens

Malachite_Lotus
New Member
since 2001-03-14
Posts 1

11 posted 2001-03-22 10:57 AM


Jana,

This is very nice. Definitely a piece that stands out on this page. I love the sound and flow of your words, they seem to echo the motion of the poem itself.

1.

Time is a leper-
coyote; Silver-backed, hackles
high, stalking the dry rim
of dead rivers. Black, swollen
pads kneading earth. Crumble
rocks to sand, thirsty sand
and stones. Hunger-pacing,
swallows night like water,
chilling canyons glow
of yellow eyes.

If I were going to nit-pick...ok, I am...I don't like "canyons glow of yellow eyes." With. Under. Below. Whatever. But "of"?
[i]
We are here. Crouched

low in the cracked ravine. Shadows
beneath night, reed-breathing
slowly. Afraid. Familial
prey, ducking arid mud-slides,
shivering-cold under hollow songs.

Time is a leper-coyote, smelling
our fear, tracking us nightly
by scent more than sight.

I like the way you use "thirst" in this first part. The contradictions posed between "dry" and "wet" are extremely pleasing.

I am not sure about the "leper" bit, and only because I feel you rely on the power of that phrase alone, and don't seek to reinforce it textually. I definitely think you COULD do so with very little effort. The context of the "leper" is a powerful one, both mythologically and socially. The very word, in English, has taken on so many connotations that it seems a shame not to play on some of those more expertly.


2.


In this dream you are the desert

To me, this transition is a little strained. Beautiful, but strained. Just a few lines above, you speak of "we" and "us," drawing the reader into the idea that they, along with you, are being "tracked by the coyote"...prey, almost. Now here, it seems you are changing the role of "you" in the poem, and because it is a direct address to the reader, it may be easy to misplace them. I am not sure how important this is, because these are definitely different PIECES...but still the same poem. Clue me in?

singing to circles of stone.
Crumbling. Red.
Earth, under radon night,
growing cold. In this dream
you are the desert.


I am stoned.

This is probably my favorite piece of the poem. The terse quality of your text is very "stony" in and of itself, cold...very easy to move through the lines because of the way you use sound to echo what is described.

3.

Joshua trees bend, stultify
to echoes sanded breath
through hollow cracks.

Very nice, again I think that the "S" sounds of this section of verse work very well to "stultify" the poem, much as you describe the deadening of the echoes.

Night .

Snakes ooze between our-
selves. Our hours
of prosperity, the pillaged prey,
swallowed like lesser

earless lizards. Deaf
to barking of silver haired bats.


4.

Morning comes on hollow notes
pealing through dry ravines.
Glowing
amber,
like mojo, melted in pastel pot.


Leper-coyotes lie low
on canyon floor, singing
desert songs to circles
of stone.


I think it does very well...what you were describing was very clear to me, transitions were, for the most part, fantastic. I do think it could be improved by fixing the addressee relationships, but that is just a sort of silly aspect to pick at.

Not sure what can be done with this poem on the level of mythos. Part of me wanted to see this relate, on a grander level, with the mythos of the desert, mostly because the way that you personify the desert is very familiar in that regard. In other words, you did not use "coyote" by accident...but how much grander did you want this metaphor to extend? and did it?

[This message has been edited by Malachite_Lotus (edited 03-22-2001).]

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