Sonnet of Love (needs critiquing) :)

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Buffpimp
Junior Member

since 2000-01-23

Posts 39

0 posted 2000-01-24 11:01 PM

I thank you all for your wonderful comments on my last poem. I thank you tremendously. I am working on my rhyme and pattern. Thank you
Now I need some help with this one

Deep within the recesses of my soul
there burns a love so passionate and deep.
Without your love there is an empty hole
that will stay void because of what i reap.

Your as beautiful as a winter rose,
nothing can deface your beauty or glow.
You are so beautiful, from toe to nose

that your beauty should already be known.

My heart yearns for the love of another
cause I know I can love you forever.
All I want is someone like my mother
who cares for me tons and knows my levers.

You are the only apple of my eye
because when I am with you I shan't cry.

Please tell me what you think.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2000-01-25 02:03 AM

I enjoyed reading this. What started out as yet another melodramatic homage to love turned into a lot of fun. Sonnet--wise, your meter needs some work and some of the rhymes are a bit strained but that didn't bother me because of the comic theme.

For the meter, take
'there burns a love so passionate and deep.'
as your base line.

Fun reading,
Brad

Poertree
Senior Member

since 1999-11-05

Posts 1359
UK

2 posted 2000-01-25 06:42 AM

Hi there BP,

While Jim rips the meter in this to bits

(only kidding) I will content myself with agreeing with Brad. This poem made a refreshing change from the usual monotonous drumbeat of da DUM da DUM da DUM and was indeed fun ..

This bit had me in hysterics ..lol

"All I want is someone like my mother
who cares for me tons and knows my levers."

and i thought the completely scatty way in which "who cares for me tons and knows my levers" read added tremendously to the fun ..

Philip

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2000-01-25 09:41 AM

Hello again BP,

Well, like Philip, I think I'll defer to Jim to discuss meter with you

but I also think some lightening up from time to time is appropriate. It seems to me that you meant this in a serious but rather light hearted manner, maybe something we should see more often.

I enjoyed reading it very much. I do have one comment, however. Even in a light verse you need to be careful of spelling and word usage. At the start of your fifth line, change "Your" to "You're".

Thanks for writing.

Pete

What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity --
sufficiently sublime in their simplicity --
for the mere enunciation of my theme?
Edgar Allan Poe

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

4 posted 2000-01-25 12:26 PM

BP:

Well here I am and, by the preceding slanderous remarks, you are probably thinking, "What is mean-spirited, evil Jim going to say?"  Well, I promise to be honest AND gentle.  Welcome to Passions, by the way.  I think this is the first work of yours I have read.

"DEEP with- / -IN the / RE - cess- / -es of / my SOUL"

What I've just done is broken you line down into stressed and unstressed beats (stressed or accented beats are capitalized and the unstressed or unaccented beats, of course, are represented in lower case).  A metrical foot consists of two beats (that is the reason for my use of "/" in the line).

Sonnets are generally written in iambic pentameter.  Iambic rhythm or meter is da-DUM/da-DUM/da-DUM/da-DUM/da-DUM.  An example of this can be found in the first line of one of Shakespeare's most famous sonnets:  "Shall I / com - PARE / thee TO / a SUM- / -mer's DAY".  If you have trouble "hearing" the accented syllables, I suggest you get a good dictionary that shows syllable accents.  Your first line is accented:

DUM-da/DUM-da/DUM-da/da-da/da-DUM

The second line, metrically, is much better:

there BURNS / a LOVE / so PAS- / -sion - ATE / and DEEP.

Then the remainder:

With-OUT / your LOVE / there IS / an EMP- / -ty HOLE
that WILL / stay VOID / be-CAUSE / of WHAT / i REAP.
your [should be You're]/ as BEAUT-i- /-ful as / a WIN- / -ter ROSE,
NOTH-ing / can de- / -FACE your / BEAU-ty / or GLOW.
you ARE/ so BEAU- / -ti - ful / from TOE / to NOSE
that your / BEAU-ty / should al- / -READ-y / be KNOWN.
My HEART / yearns for / the LOVE / of a- / NOTH-er
cause i / KNOW i / can LOVE / you for- / EV-er.
ALL i / WANT is / SOME-one / LIKE my / MOTH-er
who CARES / for me / TONS and / KNOWS my / LEV-ers.
you ARE / the ON- / -ly AP- / -ple OF / my EYE
be-CAUSE / when I / am WITH / you I / shan't CRY.

You seem to shift on and off to and from iambic meter which suggests to me that you do have an ear for it.  While there are some variations to iambic meter that are acceptable to many traditionalists, I find that when you are just beginning to write in this way you learn more by following the guidelines strictly.  I would say that. technically speaking, this sonnet is very workable.

Syllable count, number of lines, and rhyme scheme seem right on mark (a couple near-rhymes with glow/known and forever/levers.  And I'm a sucker for a romantic theme.  I enjoyed this.

< !signature-->

Jim

"If I rest, I rust."  - Martin Luther

[This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 01-25-2000).]

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