The Haiku of the Homesick Moon Kept Sea Otter..a challenge issued by myself

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Trevor
Senior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 700
Canada

0 posted 2000-01-22 04:30 PM

Wombed in the navy blue of space
on a two flagged fishless rock,
bellows chord swollen cries
for backfloating clapping
and water coddling
in the mothering sea salt of home.

Japanese in origin
the otter pens his sorrow
in seven five seven fashion,
sized over the moon man
for the world to see.

The ocean is not so pure
as the teardrops cried
for it, by one who is lost.

[This message has been edited by Trevor (edited 01-23-2000).]

Kevin Taylor
Member

since 1999-12-23

Posts 185
near Vancouver, BC, Canada

1 posted 2000-01-23 04:17 AM

I'm not sure of 7 / 5 / 7 but yours is 7 / 5 / 6 . I like it though. Why not 5 / 7 / 5 ?
If you want the last line to be a 7 then it might better be "who has" or "who is" in lieu of "who's".

Still and all, I like this.

Kevin

"Poetry is, at once, what you get... and how you got there."

Vincent Spaulding
Member

since 2000-01-16

Posts 59

2 posted 2000-01-23 08:43 AM

Your poem has an unusual, mystic feel to it. I don't get its connection to haiku however.

Trevor
Senior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 700
Canada

3 posted 2000-01-23 10:09 AM

Hello,

KEVIN:
Is a haiku 5/7/5 or 7/5/7 or both? I can't remember....I was never very good at the tech. aspects of poetry. Also does the comma count in the meter...that's why I left it at six, thought it might be seven including the comma? Don't know...if you do and have the time, could ya fill me in on it. Thanks for your comments.

Vincent:

About the haiku thing....If a poet was trapped forever in isolation on the moon, I'd picture him/her/ or an otter writing lonely haikus....just wanted to have an odd little story to tell

Thanks for your comment.

Ryan
Member

since 1999-06-10

Posts 297
Kansas

4 posted 2000-01-23 12:16 PM

"Wombed in the navy blue of space
on a two flagged fishless rock,"

I'm never a fan of alliteration.  The first line is good, but I think you should find a different word than flagged.  I'm not even sure how flagged fits in anyway.

"bellows chord swollen cries"

What bellows?  Maybe I'm just missing it, but I can't find the subject for that verb.

"for backfloating clapping
and water coddling
in the mothering sea salt of home."

Nice set of lines here.  A good way of describing a longing for home.

"Japanese in origin
the otter pens his sorrow
in seven five seven fashion,
sized over the moon man
for the world to see."

These lines are very good.  I especially like the way you use sorrow and how you use "moon man" instead of man on the moon.

The ocean is not so pure
as the teardrops cried
for it, by one who is lost.

I'm pretty sure that technically, the haiku is supposed to 5-7-5.  But hey, I don't really care, because these last lines are still really cool.  Also, I'm pretty sure that commas don't count as syllables, but once again, it doesn't really bother me.  All in all, very good job.  But now...Hulk mad, nothing Hulk can destory in Trevor poem.  Grrr.  Hulk wanna break something.  *grins*

Ryan

I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.
—Jack Kerouac

Trevor
Senior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 700
Canada

5 posted 2000-01-23 02:34 PM

Hello Ryan,

"I'm never a fan of alliteration.  The first line is good, but I think you should find a different word than flagged.  I'm not even sure how flagged fits in anyway."

The "two flagged" reference is about Russia and the States (both have stuck their flags in the moon). Kinda hinting that this Otter was left by the States on the moon by an unmanned rocket. Victim of an experiment.

"What bellows?  Maybe I'm just missing it, but I can't find the subject for that verb."

It was the otter that was bellowing. "bellowing for backfloating clapping and water coddling in the mothering sea salt of home.". Maybe I should rewrite that part ot make it more clear.

"I'm pretty sure that technically, the haiku is supposed to 5-7-5.  But hey, I don't really care, because these last lines are still really cool.  Also, I'm pretty sure that commas don't count as syllables, but once again, it doesn't really bother me."

Thanks for the format info. Gonna change it to make it a more structurally sound Haiku.

"But now...Hulk mad, nothing Hulk can destory in Trevor poem.  Grrr.  Hulk wanna break something."

Take it easy ya green brute! I come in peace!

Thanks for your input Ryan, take care,
Trevor

Poertree
Senior Member

since 1999-11-05

Posts 1359
UK

6 posted 2000-01-24 01:29 PM

Trevor

You have a curious and facinating mind! I got so involved in the uniqueness and image raising effect of the first stanza that i forgot to do my usual thing of panicking about what it all meant. Every single line of that stanza I would have been so proud to write.

Btw I love otters (ever since Ring of BW) and to have one marooned on the moon crying for home, well ..., never mind the technicalities, this was heartbreaking stuff ..

Thanks

P

Ted Reynolds
Member

since 1999-12-15

Posts 331

7 posted 2000-01-24 02:54 PM

I love this, even without any explanation. Frankly, I love it best *without* the explanation. I agree about the mystical, evocative flavor of the whole thing.

By the way, the last line is already 7 syllables, even without the comman, which doesn't count anyway. Haiku are 5-7-5, but there is also a valid 5-7-5-7-7 form in Japan, which you might remember if you fiddle with this some more

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

8 posted 2000-01-24 05:06 PM

Trevor:

I agree with Philip that you have a curious and fascinating mind but I would add "troubled" to the list.

Just kidding, of course, my north-of-the-border friend. These were very well done. The imagery demands further contemplation and poor Jim is nearly out of time here for now but I'll be back.

BTW, I believe a haiku is formatted 5-7-5. I think(relying on memories from Nan's workshop) that a tanka (a five lined haiku) is formatted 5-7-5-7-5. Just two more cents from know-it-all Jim.

Jim

"If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther

caul
Junior Member

since 2000-01-07

Posts 12

9 posted 2000-01-24 05:49 PM

Trevor

Although Haiku aren't my cup of tea and I'm no expert, I have to agree with the others that the format is 5/7/5.

I wouldn't mind seeing this as a Nagu-uta ( same 5/7/5 form but extending beyond the Tanka ) perhaps with a stand alone Haiku to finish it off.

Or have I just stepped into the realm of insanity????

Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool:
But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet.

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