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Critical Analysis #1
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Hawk183
Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130


0 posted 2000-01-17 06:50 PM



It's always the same
an incessant barrage of futility
Unending and unyielding until my
own heart cries out for mercy

She sees it in my eyes
teethes on the spark of pain
Knowing too well her motives
I am bound to the smile
that hides the fangs

Courage hides so well
lost with memories and
fearful of change
Courage turns inside out

Irony becomes a sick joke
an excuse for those left
with only the shackles
they used to bind themselves

No victor in the battle
whether with her or with myself
certainly I would run
but I remain crucified by hope
staring blankly at the ground below
knowing nothing and feeling everything

...to be continued

 

© Copyright 2000 Ryan Whittington - All Rights Reserved
warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

1 posted 2000-01-17 08:02 PM


Hawk,
This is great!  I can truly feel this, as I have felt it before.  You did such a fine job of putting it into words. I have a piece I wrote along the same theme, but I'd have to do a hell of a lot of editing before I could post it.   Again ... very nice work!

Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
2 posted 2000-01-17 11:16 PM


Hello Hawk ("ka-ka-ka!!!")...that's my impersonation of a Hawk swooping in for a fish dinner...don't ask why, little bored-just trying to amuse myself...now on to critiquing....

"It's always the same
an incessant barrage of futility
Unending and unyielding until my
own heart cries out for mercy"

Pretty good opener in my books, one suggestion though, consider using a different descrip. other than "heart cries out for mercy", it's a little overdone. Also "own" doesn't have to be there, already knew it was yours when you said "my".

"She sees it in my eyes
teethes on the spark of pain
Knowing too well her motives
I am bound to the smile
that hides the fangs"

Loved this stanza, great flow and imagery.

"Courage hides so well
lost with memories and
fearful of change
Courage turns inside out"

Think of another word other than "hides" in the first line....only three words seperating the repetition, "...hides the fangs/ Courage hides...". Also you went from a graceful flow in the last stanza to an abrupt Tarzan'ian flow in this stanza, was it intentional or was that just how it turned out? Personally I don't mind flow change mid-poem, however the transition seemed clunky. Perhaps a format change with the flow change might eleviate it? DOn't know. Or maybe even go more abrupt to make it more noticeable, if that is the thing y'ar going for, ie.

"Courage hid
and memories lost
feared change
inside couraged out"

Ya I know my rewrite stinks but its your damn poem   Anyways it's just there to maybe inspire.


"Irony becomes a sick joke
an excuse for those left
with only the shackles
they used to bind themselves"

I thought the first line seemed out of place...maybe because it seemed you were stating the obvious, irony is usually a sick joke. Also "they" in the last line is unnecessary.


"No victor in the battle
whether with her or with myself
certainly I would run
but I remain crucified by hope
staring blankly at the ground below
knowing nothing and feeling everything"

Perhaps consider chopping down some of the lines in this stanza, some of the words seemed unnecessary such as the first "the", the second "with", "whether", and the second "I" so it would read...

"No victor in battle
with her or myself
certainly I would run
but remain crucified by hope
staring blankly at the ground below
knowing nothing and feeling everything"

Pretty good offering, I enjoyed. Now I know you say it's to be continued but I still would like to add that the ending did seem to lack just a little "umpff" of closure to it. Myabe consider changing the "and" in the last line to "yet" and give it a line to itself, ie.

"knowing nothing
yet feeling everything."

Just another wacky idea, yours to do with as you please. Anyways thanks for the good read, take care,
Trevor


Ophelia
Junior Member
since 2000-01-12
Posts 19

3 posted 2000-01-18 01:43 AM


Hawk:

I don't totally agree with the fella above, I seemed to enjoy it more than to analyse it. Some of the extra words could be lost to improve the flow, but overall I like it. The last line of the poem is appropriate, where there is no closure in the theme of the poem, there is no closure in the physical ending of the poem. It leaves a feeling of sick hope......

Ophelia  

angel6917
Member
since 2000-01-14
Posts 478
WI
4 posted 2000-01-18 10:48 AM


Hawk:
Wonderful poem! It's a feeling I've definately had before.  Keep up the good work.
Angel6917

haze
Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528
Bethlehem, PA USA
5 posted 2000-01-18 02:13 PM


Hawk...

I love the depth in this. The introspection played from a conjugal battle-ground.

I am sorrow to be behind Trevor on this on because he certainly wrapped up a fine critique.
I differ with him only in the fact that the last line does not seem flat to me at all.
It feels like resignation "knowing nothing and feeling everthing..." Yes I think it plays well that way...

Very Strong Kudos Poet!
~haze

Hawk183
Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130

6 posted 2000-01-18 03:11 PM


Thank you all for the gracious comments...they certainly helped to ease the bad mood.
Trevor...I really appreciate the CA...I think you are right about most of it and I'll be editing very soon. Thanks again...

This Forum is a true treasure!

Hawk

Kirk T Walker
Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357
Liberty, MO
7 posted 2000-01-18 07:03 PM



I loved this stanza:

"She sees it in my eyes
teethes on the spark of pain
Knowing too well her motives
I am bound to the smile
that hides the fangs"

Nice work.


 "I'm not a fool. I'm not capable of being made a fool, not even by a woman...Let's just put it this way, she might have made a fool out of
me, but she didn't fool my mother."--Norman Bates from Psycho

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