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angel6917
Member

since 2000-01-14

Posts 478
WI

0 posted 2000-01-17 03:48 PM

Outcast

I don't talk to many;
I try to stay away.

I hear their whispers,
the harsh words
of rumors spread.

I hear their taunting voices,
calling me names,
poking fun at me.

I see them staring,
waiting for me
to make a mistake.

I'm an outcast;
I realize they won't accept me
unless I'm just like them.

Kirk T Walker
Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 357
Liberty, MO

1 posted 2000-01-17 05:04 PM

I liked the piece as a whole but would like to pass on some advice that Jim (jbouder) gave me recently about a poem of mine: Avoid making the speaker a victim, you don't want to seem like your are trying to extract pity from the reader. Those weren't Jim's exact words and I am not sure he would apply that advice to this poem (see my recent submission Being The Sons And Daughters for his exact comments.)

Hawk183
Member

since 1999-12-24

Posts 130

2 posted 2000-01-18 11:52 AM

Angel,

I like this piece...but perhaps you could use something better than "poking fun..".I don't know it just sounds a little lighter than the rest of the poem...just a thought. Anyway, thanks for the read!

Hawk

angel6917
Member

since 2000-01-14

Posts 478
WI

3 posted 2000-01-18 06:05 PM

Thank you for your replies to my poem.

Kirk: The poem wasn't written for pity for the speaker, but for what it's like at the school I go to.  Almost everyone there feels that way somehow.

Hawk: Any ideas on what I should change "poking fun" to?  It was the only thing I could really think of, but I'm open for suggestions.

Anyhoo, thanks guys.  Hope to hear more from you as I post more poems.

"Sometimes people care too much. I think it's called love." -Winnie the Pooh

Songbird
Member Elite

since 1999-12-15

Posts 2184
Missouri

4 posted 2000-01-18 09:17 PM

I know the feelings that you are trying to express here. How does this sound?

I don't talk to them
but I hear their whispers
the harsh words
of rumors spread

I hear their taunting voices
Cruel names being thrown at me
For Fun

I see them staring,
waiting for me
to make a mistake

So another day
I can be outcast.

[This message has been edited by Septsong (edited 01-18-2000).]

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