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two weeks
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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two weeks |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
tender glow of skin and sprawling smile never thought those eyes would look this way undone face and braless t-shirt not the best I’ve looked today didja know, or just don’t care two weeks since I’ve washed my hair. loving touch of hands and sidelong glance me, with bitten lip and smitten gasp crawling skin and goosebump pleasure unknown burst of gentle fervor is this the lie that rapture brings- or could it be the real thing? You are more than the sum of what you consume |
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
hush well, if you are truly in the grip of the dreaded "lurve bug"  then i reckon you've done a fair job with this, mostly avoiding the usual gamut of stars, moons, beaches, roses, souls etc etc. Just concentrating on the language first: The opening line was perhaps teetering on the edge with "tender glow of skin" but i guess "sprawling smile" which i rather liked, saved the day. The juxtaposition (lol) of "undone" in the same line as the description of the speaker's apparel worked well in a teasing sort of way and established the fun tone of the poem, which in turn let you get away with the excruciatingly horrible "didja" (arrrgggg ..... just kidding  ). By this point in the poem i was getting used to, though not necessarily liking, the absence of some indefinite articles, but the last two lines of the first stanza read a little clunky and i kept wanting to change them to:"did you know, or don't you care it's two weeks since I've washed my hair?" Oops i deleted the "didja"....... what a shame! ...lol In the second strophe do you not think that the word "loving" lends a rather heavy seriousness to the piece which doesn't do it any favours, especially in such a prominent position as the first word? I mean this is a relationship that has literally just started, no? ( "Never thought those eyes would look this way"). I know there are different slants on "loving" of course, but this just feels to me like too deep a word - maybe "warming" or something. Like "sidelong glance", i can just see that!. "me, with bitten lip and smitten gasp crawling skin and goosebump pleasure" the rhyme "scheme" goes crazy here, more on that later, and i oscillated between liking and not liking "bitten lip" and came down on the liking side. In fact i thought this section was good with the exception of the description "crawling skin" which apart from being rather unoriginal has leaning towards terror rather than pleasure which somewhat spoilt the effect. "unknown burst of gentle fervour" nice idea but getting pretty oxymoronic don't you think? Is "fervour" ever gentle? I cant help thinking that this means "gentle intense pleasure", which even my convoluted mind can't cope with ..lol."is this the lie that rapture brings- or could it be the real thing?" despite the inversion which brings the rhyme i liked the simplicity of the closing couplet - neat end to a nice little fun piece, which has none of the intense slushy sentimentality so often a characteristic of "first love" poems. One area that confuses me more than anything else is what you were trying to do with the form. You have some obvious parallels: tender glow of skin and sprawling smile/ loving touch of hands and sidelong glance body parts/expression never thought those eyes would look this way undone face and braless t-shirt/ me, with bitten lip and smitten gasp crawling skin and goosebump pleasure body parts/veiled eroticism didja know, or just don't care/ is this the lie that rapture brings- parallel query two weeks since I've washed my hair./ or could it be the real thing? closing frivolity these were nice touches and combined with the balanced stanzas and reasonably even meter (though not so even as to be boring) made me think that full blooded formality might have been better than stopping short by breaking up the rhyme scheme as you did. "Pleasure" and "fervour" was a great half rhyme though . Any reason why you didnt go for a straightforward ababcc?Thanks F |
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citizenx Member
since 2001-07-31
Posts 189motorcade |
Hush, it is late I need bed and rest but I hate getting gushy and warm about poems in a crit forum so I wouldn't I will wait until I can dig deeper but one first read I liked this a lot, it felt soft whispered and subtle. I will do my ripping apart tomorrow |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Hey furlong, thanks for the extensive critique. regarding your suggestion of: "did you know, or don't you care it's two weeks since I've washed my hair?" I personally like my version better, because it's written in a way that the reader knows it's not supposed to be perfect English. It's supposed to be just a natural sort of monologue that focuses on the way people speak, whichc incidentally includes horrible things like 'didja' 'like' and 'uhhhh'.... and besides, 'it's two weeks' translates into 'it is two weeks since I've washed my hair' which doesn't make sense anyway. 'loving touch of hands and sidelong glance' is supposed to convey both a sense of caring but also of hesitation- also, it is written from a youthful perspective that could be interpreted just as puppy love, but maybe you're right... crawling skin, although you're right about the blatant overuse, was supposed to give a sense of terror- the fear of a relationship changing course, the fear of something new... I don't know about anyone else, but I was absolutely petrified of my first kiss... something along those lines. gentle fervor was supposed to give the sense, again, of hesitation... And regarding the rhyme scheme... it was never ababcc in the first place- the first stanza was abcbdd and the second ended up not really having a scheme outside the couplet... and that's all because I just didn't really feel like following a scheme. I think they get kind of boring and constricting... so I just write whatever comes to mind. If it rhymes, great, if not, better luck next time. You are more than the sum of what you consume |
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citizenx Member
since 2001-07-31
Posts 189motorcade |
Without being lazy I think Furlong pretty much did the job, for what it is worth I really enjoyed the poem, very honest nad direct. an enjoyable read over all. shadows flicker sweet end tame |
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
Hush >>> point by point: regarding your suggestion of: "did you know, or don't you care it's two weeks since I've washed my hair?" I personally like my version better, because it's written in a way that the reader knows it's not supposed to be perfect English. It's supposed to be just a natural sort of monologue that focuses on the way people speak, whichc incidentally includes horrible things like 'didja' 'like' and 'uhhhh'.... >>> ok I agree about “didja” I was only joking really about that, you are right, it’s a colloquialism which adds to the poem and besides, 'it's two weeks' translates into 'it is two weeks since I've washed my hair' which doesn't make sense anyway. >>> I still think “it’s” sounds better though. I guess for me omitting the verb has shades of teen type poetry and this overrides the colloquial effect you were no doubt trying to achieve. >>> and am I missing something? “it is two weeks since I’ve washed my hair” makes perfect sense to me? Perhaps I’m misreading that section of the poem? Or the whole poem..lol? 'loving touch of hands and sidelong glance' is supposed to convey both a sense of caring but also of hesitation- also, it is written from a youthful perspective that could be interpreted just as puppy love, but maybe you're right... >>> yes I certainly see what you’re trying to do - I dunno, “loving” just seemed too much, but it’s not a big point crawling skin, although you're right about the blatant overuse, was supposed to give a sense of terror- the fear of a relationship changing course, the fear of something new... I don't know about anyone else, but I was absolutely petrified of my first kiss... something along those lines. >>> here I totally disagree. The more I read “crawling skin” the more inappropriate it seems, especially given your above comments about “puppy love” and “caring”. Sure, first kisses are petrifying but not in a Nightmare on Elm Street kind of way more in a Scooby Dooby Doo kinda way ... (well dammit I couldn’t think of anything better, but you must know what I mean) ... This isn’t “bad scary”, this is “good scary”...... gentle fervor was supposed to give the sense, again, of hesitation... >>> er, yes ... perhaps... lol And regarding the rhyme scheme... it was never ababcc in the first place- >>> I know that. That was my point. It’s almost-formal, and I thought the piece might have benefited from more formality in the rhyme. But that was my opinion and the poem is yours .... and anyway I kind of agree with your points about “restriction” ...F |
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