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Passions in Poetry

Maricel's Graduation

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Brad
Member Ascendant
since 08-20-99
Posts 5896
Jejudo, South Korea


0 posted 01-17-2000 03:20 AM       View Profile for Brad   Email Brad   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Brad

The square hats of blue dispersed as I walked
Through crowds of parents, brothers, sisters, friends
I didn't know in a high school football stadium.

We talked about it, said I'd try, I thought
Myself a busy man twelve years ago.
Arrived in time to see the last few stages
Of this American rite, important to be
A little late, an idiot once said.

I knew she wouldn't be looking for me
But I moved to the grass and searched this mesh
Of suits and gowns and Sunday church dresses.

The crowd parted (maybe there is a god).
She stood about fourteen feet from where
I scanned and judged -- a half-smile, a glance of leg.
In slow, confident steps toward her lover,
She quietly voiced: "Hey --"

Her ex-partner came and grabbed from the right.
He tried to kiss her but was given a cheek,
"Your parents are over here, come with me."

I stopped and looked at the sky, sighed and wiped
My face, saw her best friend, hugged her instead.
Your college boyfriend is so nice I would
Later hear she said. A secret for twelve
Of the fourteen months we'd been together.

Nothing more to do, I walked to my car
And heard my own steps on the sidewalk blocks,
They echoed my thoughts, my own questions: Why

He got to kiss and I was left with "Bye"?
If I am bad for her is she good for me?
How did she get to my car before I did?
She sat on the hood, legs crossed, hands behind her,
That half-smile as she finished: "Hey you.

Let's go home."



[This message has been edited by Brad (edited 01-17-2000).]
© Copyright 2000 Brad - All Rights Reserved
jbouder
Member Elite
since 09-18-99
Posts 2641
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash


1 posted 01-17-2000 11:00 AM       View Profile for jbouder   Email jbouder   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for jbouder

Brad:

This was enjoyable but have I read this one before?  Maybe it's just deja vu.  You've captured the awkwardness and the insecurity of the main character well.  The only phrase that I think was or seemed out of place was the "(maybe there is a god)".  It's not that I think it doesn't belong (I think it does) but, rather, I think the thought should be placed AFTER we know the main character beheld "Maricel (?)".  Just my opinion.

Oh yeah, and you made me see that half-smile.  I'm a sucker for happy endings.  

 Jim

"If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther

haze
Senior Member
since 11-03-1999
Posts 540
Bethlehem, PA USA


2 posted 01-17-2000 11:09 AM       View Profile for haze   Email haze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit haze's Home Page   View IP for haze

Exceptional, visual work here Brad. I have to agree with JB on this one..."(maybe there is a god)" does seem out of place and out of time with the rest.

Lovely wrap...a happy ending...*g*

EXTREME KUDOS BARD!

Ta
~haze
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


3 posted 01-17-2000 12:23 PM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

Brad, I found this to be a well written poem. I was so captivated by the story that I failed to see anything else. It was as if I were there, seeing everything through his (your) eyes. Excellent use of imagery and it just flowed from the first word to the very last...and yes, I too love the ending  
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 08-20-99
Posts 5896
Jejudo, South Korea


4 posted 01-17-2000 08:16 PM       View Profile for Brad   Email Brad   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brad

Thanks for the replies. To this day, I still don't know how she (Maricel) even found my car that day.

Brad
jenni
Senior Member
since 09-11-99
Posts 511
Washington D.C.


5 posted 01-17-2000 08:42 PM       View Profile for jenni   Email jenni   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for jenni

brad--

very, very nice work here.  i thought some lines were a bit confusing, though:  

She stood about fourteen feet from where
I scanned and judged -- a half-smile, a glance of leg,
In slow, confident steps toward her lover.

was she standing or walking?  and:

Your college boyfriend is so nice I would
Later hear she said. A secret for twelve
Of the fourteen months we'd been together.

i think what you mean is that it was a secret you two were together?  but it comes across at first (to me, anyway) like the secret was what the friend thought of you.  

anyway, i liked the 'surprise' ending, i was just as startled as you were to find her on the hood of the car, lol.  as always, brad, an interesting and enjoyable read.  very well done!

jenni
roxane
Senior Member
since 09-02-99
Posts 519
us


6 posted 01-17-2000 09:19 PM       View Profile for roxane   Email roxane   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for roxane

not in any way sucking up, i think that this is probably my favorite.  some of it seems a little awkward (i think that has to do with the line breaks) but i love the story behind it.

The crowd parted (maybe there is a god).
She stood about fourteen feet from where
I scanned and judged -- a half-smile, a glance of leg,
In slow, confident steps toward her lover.
She quietly voiced: "Hey --"

Her ex-partner came and grabbed from the right.
He tried to kiss her but was given a cheek,
"Your parents are over here, come with me."


i thought that the narrator was the lover?  is it the ex-partner?  this part confuses me.

overall, i think that it's an excellent poem.
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 08-20-99
Posts 5896
Jejudo, South Korea


7 posted 01-17-2000 10:10 PM       View Profile for Brad   Email Brad   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brad

Jenni,
You got me. You're right about the standing, walking stanza. I've changed the punctuation so as to make that a bit clearer.  I just remembered, I've still got to defend the Carpet Layer -- and read and comment on a lot of other poems.  The secret part is meant to mean both but both are, in a certain sense, the same thing.
Jim,
You have a point about the god phrase but I wanted to keep the church, parted thing all together. I'll think about it.

Roxane,
Some of the awkwardness is slightly intended -- the narrator is the secret lover and the ex-partner is still friends with the family. Back then, one person just asked me -- "Brad, why can't you just have a normal relationship?" I was playing around with public/private -- secrets and wants and how they all sort of influence each other. I'll explain more as soon as I have more time (yikes, the wife is returning). I also have a poem about my wife that'll pop up here sooner or later.  

Brad
warmhrt
Senior Member
since 12-18-1999
Posts 1566


8 posted 01-17-2000 10:49 PM       View Profile for warmhrt   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for warmhrt

Brad,
This is a good story, nice imaging, and the twist at the end is great!   The only thing that kind of bugs me is the first stanza.  I realize it sets the stage, the mood ... but something is lacking.  You're a good poet, I know you could say this a bit differently.  It just sounds clinical, without feeling, which the rest of the piece has plenty of.

Jim,  Brad should leave "maybe there is a god" just where it is, and in parentheses.  It fits so well with "The crowd parted", as in a biblical reference.  Separating them would perhaps break that reference.

Good work, Brad. I sincerely enjoyed reading this.

warmhrt  
Seoulair
Senior Member
since 03-27-2008
Posts 776
Seoul S.Korea


9 posted 04-26-2008 01:31 PM       View Profile for Seoulair   Email Seoulair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Seoulair

I like this one. A clear story. A clear story.
How interesting that I went back to your new poems many, many  times "the strip", "Mt.Halla" to dig something deeper. A clear poem, twice reading is enough. right?  
 
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