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Critical Analysis #1
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I want all thoughts and suggestions
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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I want all thoughts and suggestions |
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Theron NightStar New Member
since 2000-01-16
Posts 1 |
__My Star__ She shines so bright like a star from above. She lights up my life with only her love. Her beauty is so awesome it fills my entire mind. I can't believe I have her My heart she did find. What did I do to deserve so much? How did I find this angel My star from above? She is the Sun My Moon and My Stars She lights up my soul, even from afar. The most beautiful flower is dust when compared. She outshines everything This Lady so fair. A rose? An orchid? They pale when near the face of the one that I hold so dear. She has entered my heart and for herself taken all Never by force yet only could I fall. Fall into the love the love she showed me. I saw her beauty and and heard the gods decree "You shall love her Hold her so dear You will never be lonely as long as she is near. "This is one of our own Of her take good care, we am trusting you with our angel most fair. "Do not hurt her Nor show her anything but love Her beauty is beyond all others" So it was said from above. At that moment I finally understood, Hold on to her as long as I could. For this was a blessing I was graced from above. I now had my own angel, A Goddess to love. I will love her no matter how far, She will always hold my heart, for she is My Star. -Raymond Fletcher |
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| © Copyright 2000 Theron NightStar - All Rights Reserved | |||
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caul Junior Member
since 2000-01-07
Posts 12 |
Hello Theron Nice poem , the thing is if you don’t mind me saying it has the potential, with a little work, to be a whole lot better. Unfortunately my skill and talent preclude me from giving any precise advice ( I’ll leave that to the real poets ), what I can do is give you some pointers that might, at least, point you in the right direction. The first thing I noticed was your use of common rhyming words, that in itself is no problem if you can put enough interesting words in the rest of the line to mask the rhyme, sort of beef up the content a bit. Another thing that could do with a little work is the meter, your lines make it hard to find the ‘tune’ that accompanies most poems of this sort. Like I said before I don’t have the talent or skill to be telling anyone what to do, all I can do is give you my honest opinion, what you do with it is up to you. Thanks for letting me read and comment, sorry I couldn’t be more helpful. |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
This poem seems very sincere and passionate. There are, however, a lot of cliches throughout. Although I think you did a fine job of connecting your thoughts under the common theme named in the title, I agree with Caul that it would be helpful to "sort of beef up the content a bit," Not so much with necessarily less simple wording but with more original phrasings. For example, I really liked the twist you put on her being a star. She is a star because she lights up your world from afar. I think the poem would fufill its potential a lot better if you added such a twist to some other parts as well. |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Theron, I must agree with caul and Kirk, the content is a little cliched. I understand perfectly how you feel, you express yourself well, however, you lacque bite. This is a good poem, but it could be much better. When using love as a theme it is a little difficult to avoid this problem. Welcome to CA. I look forward to more posts. J.L.H. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Jason, I liked the lacque bit bit by the way. We all agree that the emotion comes through but what's missing is a certain unique point of view (we all have this, we just have to work at getting it through). Two possible suggestions: first, take the images from this poem and work, think, write through them to go further than you have. Think about the very real aspects of stars, of the moon, of beauty, of flowers and start concentrating on specifics. If you want to use some of this imagery, use names of stars, places on the moon, flowers with less common names (I don't mind the orchid, just the rose) and stay away from the hyperbole. Find aspects that parallel some aspect of the person your talking about, not in a holistic sense but in a specific one. Second, eschew all the metaphorical stuff and write a specific scene with all the detail you think a reader can take -- show us and give us a reason for your love. If this is a love poem to be presented to someone, I would consider a more comic moment. That usually works for people. Just some ideas, Brad |
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
There's no real substance here...you just fawn over a person for eight or ten stanzas...also, the simply-rhyming words aren't a bad thing by definition--it's your usage that kills it. You trade a decent syntax several times for a cheap rhyme. Best to give that up right now. "Of her take good care" almost made my head explode. (Just kidding. But it needs work. Seriously.) Well, I wish you well with your poeming. Adieu et au revoir. Wordshaman |
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Kevin Taylor Member
since 1999-12-23
Posts 185near Vancouver, BC, Canada |
One of the things I do when I write is ..I write lots. And then I trim it down to the essentials. Almost any poem will benefit from pruning after the initial drafts. I wouldn't worry about clichés to start with. They can be safe and secure communications and it depends what you do with them. And after all.. cliché is the most cliché word of all.. LOL But prune! dammit man! prune! Kevin "Poetry is, at once, what you get... and how you got there." |
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