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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA 
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Nothing I don't want you to be my savior; shed your blood on a cross of words for our sins. I don't want your sympathy, given out like candy on the street, I am not a child! I don't want your gift of love, laid out in sacrifice upon the alter like a slaughtered lamb. I don't want to feel your tainted kisses burn upon my skin with passions fire. I don't want your heart, sliced open, coldly, with the precision of a surgeons scalpel. I don't want the lies, you told, that tore my soul apart and left me bleeding. I have asked nothing of you, but to give of yourself. Yet, you give me nothing. Sometimes you dance with a partner, sometimes you dance alone. But the important thing is to keep dancing. ~Meredith Hodges |
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| © Copyright 2000 Ruth Kephart - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Wonderful poem. I especially like the form. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
I liked the form, the simple, yet effective words chosen, and BOY! can I identify with this. It spoke to me. Nice read. warmhrt |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Ruth I thought this was one of the best poems i have seen from you. It had a different feel to most of yours I have read - difficult to explain why though. The repetition of the phrase "I don't want" worked well for me in that it seemed to make the piece flow on well, and its removal in the final stanza helped to emphasise that important part of the poem. I particularly liked "cross of words", and the general atmosphere of intense bitterness at the pretence going on in this relationship. I thought that was conveyed very well. I was not so keen on "I am not a child!". It is an oft heard refrain in everyday family arguments and in someways I think its use in this poem took away somewhat from the seriousness of the message. In fact, come to think of it, the whole second stanza is slightly in contrast to the "blood and cutting" images in the remainder .. I'm not sure it works so well.. The whole effect though was excellent .... thanks. Philip |
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caul Junior Member
since 2000-01-07
Posts 12 |
Hello Ruth Another good poem, though while reading it I was struck with the thought that it could possibly be even better if the final line in each stanza was of equal syllabic length. Obviously my predilection towards writing quantitative syllabic poetry may have some bearing on this but it may be worth a try. Caul |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Okay...I post this prepared for it to be disected and you guys are far too kind and gentle. Caul...interesting suggestion about the syllable length in the final line of each stanza, the thought had also crossed my mind, but since I very seldom count syllables in anything, especially free verse, I had left it as it was. May give it a shot though. Philip...This is a lot different than any of my poetry. I think it has a hateful quality about it, so it makes it hard for me to judge. I can relate to the words, but not the feelings if that makes anysense. I've been here, but the hate doesn't come?? Anyway...I, myself, see many weaknesses in this verse, and one is the second stanza as you pointed out. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Ruth: I am in agreement with Philip that the "I hate..." repetition worked for me. I too thought that you might be able to do better than the "I am not a child" line (kinda pictured the character in the poem stomping her foot at the same time she was saying that). What I didn't like about the poem was it's being non-specific. Was it about infidelity? Lies? Both? I don't know. And that made it hard for me to decide whether I was going to feel sympathy for the character in the poem or think that she was over-reacting. I really liked the "cross of words" but, because of the poem's generalities, I couldn't be completely sure of what it meant. What "sins"? Also, stanzas 1 and 3 seemed to be rewording the same sentiments. Was that intentional? I would like to see some more specifics in this, flesh it out a bit. I am impressed by your command of words. "Tainted kisses" and "tore my soul" are powerful images. P.S. Good to see you back in here, by the way. < !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 01-16-2000).] |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Jim...your questions are easy to answer. The poem in itself is about one person being in love and the other pretending to be for love's name sake only. It's about a marriage that in essence is there in name only. It's about lies told to keep a person there. "I don't want you to be my savior"... I don't want you to come to my rescue, be my salvation, to tell me everything is going to be okay if it's not "I don't want your sympathy"... I don't want sympathy that you can easily give to anyone...I want understanding "I don't want your gift of love, laid out in sacrifice upon the alter"... Yes, we took vows on the alter, but I don't want your love given up as a sacrifice only because we took those vows "I don't want your heart, sliced open, coldly, with the precision of a surgeons scalpel."...I don't want you to give me your heart if your heart is cold, if life and love no longer exist there "I don't want the lies, you told, that tore my soul apart and left me bleeding."...One can lie about many things, lying about whether someone loves you or not is perhaps one of the cruelest lies of all, it cuts to the heart As for the final stanza...the only thing she (I) ever asked for was for him to give of himself, to love with his heart, and instead, all she got was nothing. Granted...I am not certain of the "I am not a child" line, but following " I don't want your sympathy, given out like candy on the street," it seemed appropriate seeing as it's children you can buy with candy...and he in this poem is trying to buy the speaker with sympathy that he throws out like candy to everyone....make any sense? |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I especially liked the visual impact of this one and the "I am not a child" line doesn't bother me at all. As you point out yourself, it seems perfect with the rest of that stanza. I can understand and relate to the relationship although I have never experienced such myself. I guess that's one sign of a good poem. You made me feel the situation although I have no direct experience. Congratulations and thanks. Pete |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
I still don't like the "I'm not a child" line. I don't like it anyway as a line, but I accept that it "works" in that particular stanza. Problem is, the stanza doesn't work in the poem IMHO - its too "soft" ... Still like the poem a lot tho  P |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Ruth: Perhaps my questions are by-products of my overly inquisitive mind. I never thought for a second that there were not some explanations for those "generalities" I mentioned. What I would have preferred to have seen were some of those explanations you offerred fleshed out in your poem. But I suppose this is a matter of taste as opposed to a matter of content. Later. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
I think this is excellent the way it is. The one line "I am not a child!" draws rebuke, I think, because it's such a common petulance . . . but if you just switch to "as if I were a child," I wonder if anyone will still carp at it. |
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