We Meet in my Dreams - pipTalk Forums

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Ophelia
Junior Member

since 2000-01-12

Posts 19

0 posted 2000-01-12 12:45 PM

*** my first posting, read some of the poetry in here and was inspired, hope you enjoy ***

And we'll meet in my dreams
dancing-
  taking small steps to a rythm of our own
Breathing in a moment of time
feeling the snowflakes of crystiline
  imagination
silver in a grey fog-
falling onto our arms, cheeks, lips
  kissing us
and we'll kiss eachother
Beneath the silver stars in a midnight sky
Among the awake embellished trees
That caress the wind as it passes, racing
  to touch our bodies
And in an intermingling of breaths
  Secrets
  Desires
Embrace eachother, as we do
And the silver flecks reflected in our eyes
That float in a shared space
Dance behind my watery eyes
- when we meet in my dreams.

Hawk183
Member

since 1999-12-24

Posts 130

1 posted 2000-01-12 02:50 PM

Ophelia,

I really like this poem. The imagery and feelings are perfect. If anything, I would look for something better than "beneath the silver satrs in a midnight sky"
--the next line is so original and creative, I don't think the above line does it justice.
Overall, great work...and welcome!

Hawk

Ophelia
Junior Member

since 2000-01-12

Posts 19

2 posted 2000-01-13 12:53 PM

Hawk,

I think you have a good point, any suggestions? I have read some of your stuff and am impressed. I look forward to the next post. And thanks for the welcome mat!

Ophelia

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

3 posted 2000-01-13 09:41 AM

Ophelia,
I agree with Hawk about that line. It is a bit cliched, and we are taught here not to use cliches if at all possible. Also, I'd keep a close eye on your spelling, and the repetition of words, such as eyes, in lines 19 and 21.
I loved the line, "dance behind my watery eyes". You have shown good, strong metaphors here, and excellent imagery. Nice piece, just needs some tweaking.
And welcome to you, Ophelia, hope you enjoy.

warmhrt

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

4 posted 2000-01-13 02:22 PM

Hi Ophelia,
I wanted to add my welcome to those above. I already said I wouldn't comment on any more poetry today, after two from Warmhrt. But I will say that I enjoyed yours except that the lack of punctuation makes it a little hard for me to read. You should understand though that I may be a little slow at times, particularly when it comes to free verse.

Welcome, again.

Pete

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