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Madness
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Madness |
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Mister Me New Member
since 2000-01-12
Posts 1Denver, CO |
Please tell me what you all think  Madness mad! ranting raving screaming echoing silent mad! disillusioned pit-fallen ear-bleeding mad! sacriligious carefully calculatedly holy mad! madness in the bloodshot eyes! madness in the booming voices! madness in the bursting ears! madness in the obscene hands! madness in the decrepid minds! madness in the venomous breath! madness in the maniacal grins! madness in the repetitive arms! madness in the bulbous heads! madness in the darkness of space! madness in the flooded worlds! madness echoing in the silence... mad! mad! mad! intellectually genetically mad! madness knowing insipid truth! madness seeing through blinded eyes! madness feeding on arsenic wine! madness running courageously afraid! madness kissing herpes lips! madness hearing without ears! madness breathing with splintered nose! madness speaking with broken voice! madness touching with no power to feel! madness leaving without arriving! the madness that echoes the silence -- the silence of my generation |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Mr. Me: Must preface this by saying welcome to Passions and to Critical Analysis (CA) and to express to you that any criticism I offer is intended to be constructive and that they are merely my opinions. That said, here goes. I think your poem was hurt by the it's repetition of "Madness in the...". The first stanza could use some re-formating to increase it's effectiveness. I am no expert at this (free-verse is not yet my strength) but I would suggest something like: "mad! ranting raving screaming echoing silent mad! disillusioned pit-fallen ear-bleeding mad! sacriligious [carefully calculatedly] [maybe "demonically diabolically][un]holy mad!" Notice I bracketed "carefully calculatedly". These two words don't seem to flow very well between "sacreligious" and "holy". Perhaps something like my suggestions would fit a little better. Only a suggestion. The rest I might suggest omitting the "Madness in the..." from all but the first line. "madness in the bloodshot eyes! booming voices! bursting ears! obscene hands! decrepid [maybe "depraved" instead] minds! venomous breath! maniacal grins! repetitive arms! bulbous heads! darkness of space! flooded worlds! madness echoing in the silence..." I think the exclamation points insert pauses between each line that you may not have really wanted to be read into this poem. This seems more like a rant and a rant tends to be seamless ... not broken up with punctuation. "mad! mad! mad! intellectually genetically mad!" I really am not crazy about this line. Especially "intellectually genetically". It works as a pause between rants, sort of, but I don't think it compliments the poem. I like that you slightly changed the focus from "what madness is" to "what madness does". What I didn't like was that much of it seemed geared more toward shock-value than actually describing what "madness does". I would suggest your not ending your action words with "-ing". Take a look: "madness knows insipid truth! sees through blinded eyes! feeds on arsenic wine! runs [courageously -- awkward] afraid! kisses herpes lips! hears without ears! breaths with [through?] splintered nose! speaks with broken voice! touches with no power to feel! leaves without arriving!" "the madness that echoes the silence -- the silence of my generation" Remember, these are only my opinions and suggestions. As always, in here, we are free to take or leave suggestions and opinion. Thanks. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
Well I'll be...JB goes free-verse...Nice Work Poet...I wholly agree! Mr. Me...the message in this is powerful & timely as Jim suggests this way It reigns a power-broker punch! Go For It! |
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