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karneliann
Junior Member
since 1999-10-28
Posts 44
Baltimore, MD, USA

0 posted 2000-01-11 03:47 PM


comments and critiques welcomed.

jehovah

careening down the hill
I thought the brightness of the landscape
of the sunlight on the pavement
of the juicy blue horizon
could eclipse the chilling vision
of your retreating form

when I knew you
sure, your plumage
could have used a little cleaning
where the soot weighed down your wings
where they smeared you with their blood

but you didn't have to shed them
pluck them out right where you stood
disguise yourself as empty
and crawl out into the fold

now I stand here in this landscape
so bright that I can't see
the growing heap of naked angels
that I feel just out of reach




 "My empire is of the imagination." -- She


© Copyright 2000 karneliann - All Rights Reserved
Wendy Flora
Member
since 2000-01-11
Posts 182
Virginia
1 posted 2000-01-12 12:19 PM


I really liked this one.  Nice description, good use of ambiguity... I'd like to hear some background about this piece.
-Wendy Flora

J.L. Humphres
Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201
Alabama
2 posted 2000-01-12 12:58 PM


k.
  I like this poem because it is a total mystery to me.I have no idea what this is about, but I know it is about something, not just poetic rambling. When I figure this one out I feel I'll be realizing a well construed idea. None the less the imagery is startling. Beautiful work. Looking forward to more.
                        J.L.H. < !signature-->

 Jason
I...I have seen the best minds of my generation...
     --Allen Ginsberg


[This message has been edited by J.L. Humphres (edited 01-12-2000).]

Kevin Taylor
Member
since 1999-12-23
Posts 185
near Vancouver, BC, Canada
3 posted 2000-01-12 01:56 AM


The poem is brilliant.
I have a thought about the title though.
If the poem is from the viewpoint of Jehova then all is well and good except I don't think he'd be unable to see the growing heap etc... which is a wonderful statement... did I say that? And if the poem is not from J. then it might better be named Michael or after one of the other archdude/ettes.
Just a thought.< !signature-->

 Kevin


[This message has been edited by kevintaylor (edited 01-12-2000).]

John Foulstone
Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100
Australia
4 posted 2000-01-12 06:40 AM


Hi, karneliann, and welcome to the passion pit. I share the confusion of the prior posts, and failed to find jehovah (Old Testament) in the poem, which had a New Testamenty feel to me. I really liked your second stanza, and the closing two lines. As a whole, I took the poem to be an expression of the writer's feelings concerning loss of Faith, and I enjoyed the read.

 It's never too late to have a happy childhood ...

karneliann
Junior Member
since 1999-10-28
Posts 44
Baltimore, MD, USA
5 posted 2000-01-12 10:04 AM


thanks for all the feedback; i appreciate it.    i can understand that you might you want some background info.  the title is actually much more superficial than you might think.  i'm mourning the loss of my friend, who has totally transformed herself in order to become a jehovah's witness.

so the poem is from my point of view, which is that of the religious outsider.  i feel like the world is more beautiful outside the confines of "the fold," but i am disillusioned by my friend's choices and by women who efface themselves in the name of god.

now, discuss (please!).


 "My empire is of the imagination." -- She


haze
Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528
Bethlehem, PA USA
6 posted 2000-01-12 10:57 AM


WOW! an excellent work! The movement from memory to the tangible retreat is fabulous...baring (bearing) all of it! Then I read your reply...I must say, you have done well, very well with this

and...another WOW!

karneliann
Junior Member
since 1999-10-28
Posts 44
Baltimore, MD, USA
7 posted 2000-01-12 02:22 PM


haze-

your compliment means a lot to me, coming from the author of a gem such as "suki rising," which i adore.



 "My empire is of the imagination." -- She


J.L. Humphres
Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201
Alabama
8 posted 2000-01-12 07:29 PM


k.
  After the explanation and a re-read I stand in awe. It is completely clear now. I knew it wasn't just poetic rambling but "Jehovah" this is great. Once again BRAVO!!!
                     J.L.H.

 Jason
I...I have seen the best minds of my generation...
--Allen Ginsberg

karneliann
Junior Member
since 1999-10-28
Posts 44
Baltimore, MD, USA
9 posted 2000-01-13 09:33 AM


i'm totally tickled that you enjoyed it.  i can appreciate criticism, too, but of course i like it better when someone likes it.  

i know i haven't posted much here (yet), and sometimes i lurk, but i just feel more comfortable posting my own poetry than commenting on others'.  i'm working on it, tho.


 "My empire is of the imagination." -- She


warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

10 posted 2000-01-13 09:58 AM


I must say that I think this is absolutely brilliant!  
And I also identify with it greatly, as I left organized religion as soon as I was old enough to make my own choices. I still consider myself a Christian, but get really annoyed with people who think they are "holier than thou", which I feel is what you're speaking of when you refer to "the growing heap of naked angels".
Keep up the wonderful work ... I'll look forward to your next one.

warmhrt

poetry_kills
Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549
new orleans
11 posted 2000-01-13 11:34 AM


i really like the imagery in this poem... frankly i didn't need to know what it meant to know that i liked it... it reminds me of the first few books of Paradise Lost [one of my favorite works of literature] and i've always had a fastination with angels [fallen and glorified]... as for the meaning behind it, i think [looking back] that you conveyed the situation superbly, and let me say that i know how you feel and that sometimes it's not that different inside "the flock"...

sincerely,
**jerome the boy with no brain

karneliann
Junior Member
since 1999-10-28
Posts 44
Baltimore, MD, USA
12 posted 2000-01-13 12:58 PM


yes, i know what it's like to be both outside and inside "the flock,"  so i speak from experience.

i truly appreciate all this feedback.  i'm still waiting for someone to rip my poetry apart!


 "My empire is of the imagination." -- She


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