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I Saw God
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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I Saw God |
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dianawho? New Member
since 2000-01-10
Posts 8 |
dissolving me in your bloodstream becoming your life fusing me with your tongue tasting eternity's breath erasing my memory pushing me deeper and farther into blissful nothingness touching Gods face exploding with me and recreating the universe |
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| © Copyright 2000 dianawho? - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
This is a nice start. It has interesting imagery but, in the end, it really says nothing (I think). It seems to me to be just an introduction but maybe someone more qualified will add better advice here soon. This does seem to be too valuable to get no more input. Pete |
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dianawho? New Member
since 2000-01-10
Posts 8 |
i appreciate your honesty.i write what i feel.and so what i feel may not be what you see when you read it. i am a beginner and so everyone has to start somewhere. the poem is about how i feel when i make love to my boyfriend. of course i dont expect everyone to get the same thing from my work. any advice on how i can better express myself? thank you for reading it. |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
diana-- i thought this was absolutely beautiful! i wouldn't change a thing (except maybe "further" for "farther" in line 6). this piece is a tiny little gem, diana, very, very nice. jenni |
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dianawho? New Member
since 2000-01-10
Posts 8 |
I hope this poem doesn't sound cheap, i wanted to express sex as an out of body experience for me. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
There's nothing cheap about writing about sex as an out of body experience. The problem is that isn't what you did. WARNING: This is a little harsh. Be prepared or don't read any futher.  What follows is only a personal opinion to be thrown in the toilet if you choose to do so. It's only one poem and one person's opinion on that poem so please don't take it too seriously (and even with that said, I know I'm going to be lambasted for doing this. I don't know, consider this a trial by fire or something; I'm just tired of everybody being so nice around here) dissolving me in your bloodstream becoming your life fusing me with your tongue These images are not transcendental but material -- something out of some Virtual Reality thingey. tasting eternity's breath erasing my memory I have no idea what eternity's breath tastes like and I don't think anybody else does either. I've had this argument before with other poets so you're certainly not alone in using the word. I'm alone in railing against it. Also, If your memory is erased, how can you remember what happened? pushing me deeper and farther into blissful nothingness touching Gods face exploding with me and recreating the universe Here (as in the other parts of the piece as well), your using hyperbole to express what no doubt is a powerful emotion but you've gone so far that you've made it comic (in my opinion). Again, I'm struck more by visual images and symbols of sex in television and the movies (fireworks and rockets) than I see anything resembling sex. There is no reference to people, to intimacy, to love -- only to some philosophical enlightenment that has been achieved during an orgasm. So, are you saying Buddhist sattori is akin to a permanent orgasm? (Don't worry -- I know Buddhist professors and monks who would agree with you on this point.) Personally, I think you've set yourself up for a fall from the beginning; you're trying to do something that may, perhaps, be impossible to do. You say you write what you feel but in fact you don't. Nobody does. You write words in patterns to transmit ideas and feelings to readers (which includes yourself). How do you create the sensation you describe in someone else through words? I'll be honest: I don't know. One guess would be indirection, never try to describe it directly but only describe around it in such a way that it triggers that feeling in others -- which, in a sense, is how you were able to feel it (from the circumstances of that particular moment). Paradoxically, the moment you try to describe it directly, the moment you distance yourself from the reader. In other words, it's more like saying "I've had this feeling and I want to share my feeling with you" rather than trying to get someone else to feel that feeling. I don't really have a definition for good poetry but I guess that would be it if I had to say something. Poetry isn't about the writer sharing feelings, it's about making the reader feel something, anything. So, are you going to talk to me in the morning?  Brad |
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