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Tumblewood
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Tumblewood |
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Kevin Taylor Member
since 1999-12-23
Posts 185near Vancouver, BC, Canada 
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Hi~ wonder if you can help... I'm not sure if I've lost my objectivity with this poem. It started out a lot bigger and I cut all the flowery excess out. What I'm specifically interested in is the bridge (punctuation?) between the 1st and 2nd stanzas and in the last stanza whether "reawaken" should be used in place of "rewaken". Of course there may be a bzillion other things out-in-left-field about the poem.... you'll have to let me know. BTW.. salmonberry is a west coast plant a lot like raspberry but not quite. The bears adore them. Tumblewood Let me rest amongst these timbered souls that stand where trees once stood; My greens break into blacky-blues and dragonflies and the sounds of beetle truth remind me of the rings I grew. Let me rest amongst the salmonberry and the tumblewood of cotton, ash and hemlock, fir and cedar. And let the wind stir of pine above the fall rewaken me in sapling dress and new reach. Kevin |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
Beautiful imagery Kevin...WOW! I would ditch "amongst" fill with "among" because there is nothing old or stilted about this. I must tell you (before I fire up the electric slice-n-dice) I am becoming quite a fan of your work. You hone the edges to clarity and reading (some of your stuff) is like falling in to the Twilight Zone (highest compliment I give...The Twilight Zone Award) so that said... Its not the imagery or emotional bridge that seems off...its the iambic (almost) rhythm of the first stanza and then...no more...I think you could do this if your last line fell into da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM...but for me it drains the colors and maybe that's just BS from edgey old me...Opinions follow: "Tumblewood Let me rest among these timbered souls that stand where trees once stood; My greens broken to blacky-blues dragonflies' sounds of beetle truth. Remind me of rings I grew; Then let me rest among salmonberry, tumblewood of cotton, ashen hemlock, fir and cedar. Let wind stir of pine above the fall. Reawaken me in sapling dress with new reach." Powerful stuff here poet...Let me know what you think...I offer only with the highest respect and regards...Til Again...~haze [This message has been edited by haze (edited 01-11-2000).] |
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Kenneth Ray Taylor Member
since 1999-11-11
Posts 139Duluth, Minnesota, USA |
Your poem flows nicely and sounds beautiful. I'm not sure if the speaker is a person speaking as a tree or simply a tree. Perhaps it isn't important. I'd put a comma between the first and second stanza. I like the simple couplet format you have used, with the second line not capitalized. I find it appealing to the eye. I feel that poetry is a visual art as well as a literary art, so I appreciate your simple layout. Good style. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I too loved the imagery in this one. And grammatically speaking, I think a comma would be correct to end the first stanza. I also agree with Haze that "among" would be better than "amongst" for the reason she stated. Finally, I would remove a couple of unnecessary (for me anyway) words to make the flow of words easier (again for me) to follow. This is then what it would look like: Tumblewood Let me rest among these timbered souls that stand where trees once stood, My greens break into blacky-blues and dragonflies and sounds of beetle truth remind me of the rings I grew. Let me rest among the salmonberry and the tumblewood of cotton, ash and hemlock, fir and cedar. And let wind stir of pine above the fall rewaken me in sapling dress and new reach. I just removed the first occurrence of "the" from lines 4 and 7 which don't seem to alter the context but maintain the meter of the rest of the poem better. In the last line, "new reach" also breaks your meter but I don't know how to change that without altering your meaning. Maybe it shouldn't be changed anyway. Well, here you have yet another opinion. Thanks for the read. I really like it. < !signature--> Pete [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 01-11-2000).] |
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Kevin Taylor Member
since 1999-12-23
Posts 185near Vancouver, BC, Canada |
Wonnerfull... I'm list'nin' ... Kevin |
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
Kevin, this is wonderful. I could not have come up with this poem, but if I'd had the words it would read as follows: Let me rest among these timbered souls that stand where trees once stood: My greens break into blacky-blues and dragonflies, and the sounds of beetle truth remind me of the rings I grew. Let me rest among the salmonberry and the tumblewood of cotton, ash and hemlock, cedar, fir, And let the wind stirred pine above the fall Wake me in sapling dress, and with new reach. You write good, sir. It's never too late to have a happy childhood ... |
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