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Critical Analysis #1
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untitled (a new one)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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untitled (a new one) |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
an attracitve icon-god on to which i pile my infidelity and affections, an object of obsession. i dedicate myself to loving him. as he passes by my side, gentle breeze in his gait deep down beneath my blushing cheeks, i feel besides the fever, a bit of hate because the rules by which i abide make me grow suddenly grim, for when he touches me, a sweet concession all my lust, a quiet infection, wanting him all the while. the perserverance of my will i must applaud, yet, everytime i see him or even think he'll pass me by i throw out my resolution trying to catch a second glance of his eternally ethereal form. little things he says to me, not knowing that they are candles lit inside the altar built for him in me. i should give up, i should quit, but to be once in his thoughts, me! i, imagining myself removing his uniform, all for that priceless chance to have in my life a revolution, to turn away from the man to whom i lie, calling my love but a friend. how bad is this? i really wanted to try a different subject topic, something about love, i guess. anyways, i got an idea while writing this, if nothing else. thanks for the relentless bashing i hope i receive. i need it!! "Come night, come darkness, for you cannot come too soon or stay too long in such a place as this." Charles Dickens roxane |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
This is really cool, you definitely have your own style. I was really interested in your admission of having hate surrounding your internal rules, but was wondering exactly what you are hateful against. You probably describe it, and i'm just thick, but i thought i would ask. The other thing that caught me was "eternally ethereal form", for me eternally and ethereal sound too much alike, and are similar in a way, so it kind of struck me as redundant. However, before i seem like i'm heartlessly slaughetering you, your lines-little things he says to me, not knowing they are candles lit inside the altar built for him in me, followed by, but to be once in his thoughts, me! i think is great, just really well said, its one of those lines that, as a reader, you have experienced but hadn't written down until you read it, and you know you could have done it yourself, but in reality you couldn't, because you didn't. Aaaaaahhh, craziness, i don't know if that makes sense, but i hope it does, its a compliment to reading something that in some way you feel you have already written yourself. Also i like the language you use its really aggressive and passionate i.e. revolution, fever, hate, obsession. Very cool, good luck with this, its great. I'm sure you'll get better critiques from others who might have a better understanding of your style, but from someone who might not read this very often, I think it has a lot of feeling. |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
"i, imagining myself removing his uniform, all for that priceless chance to have in my life a revolution, to turn away from the man to whom i lie, calling my love but a friend." The narrator's plea for passion is a torch. This synopsis is perfect. Love this work Roxanne, really. I can't find a thing to slice (DAMN!) TA Poet...Very Nice Work! |
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