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Drunk
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Drunk |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
Drunk When I was 15, I got really drunk Didn’t know how to drink So I kept on drinking Some beer, some sambouca It was all there When I got sick I didn’t want to tell anybody So I walked out the front door Threw up Then walked back in It happened again And thought it had to be different this time I went out the back door Threw up and came back in I did this four times Back and forth Front and back And somebody asked me where I had gone Just needed some fresh air I said Are you drunk, someone asked No, I said And raised my glass |
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| © Copyright 2000 patchoulipumpkin - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Geez, I hope I haven't started a trend here. My drinking habits are well known; Jim and I are discussing beer; there's the poem called 'Sauced' and now this one. Maybe we should change the title of this forum to Corner Pub 2 or something.  I think the biggest problem with this poem is that there's no epiphany, no turn, no moment of discovery or at least none that I could detect. Your first line indicates that you're no longer at this point in your life but the last line shows that you're still drinking after four chucks (an extremely dangerous situation if you ask me). What does the moment mean to you? Why did you keep drinking? I'm not saying you should tell us what you think or feel but try to show us in subtle and interesting ways. Perhaps use a different perspective than the first person. At one point, you have someone who asks if you're drunk and you reply negatively (usually a sure sign that you're drunk). What were you thinking about when you were drinking? Even fifteen year olds make decisions and have rationalizations for what they do. Explore what you were doing and why. One more point, try to give us a more specific situation, try to give us the exact conditions that caused this to happen -- show us your life with all the warts in it and it'll give this piece more color. Just some suggestions, Brad PS Do we call you patch or what? |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
Hi brad, yeh patch works just fine, i chose the name rather hastily, and think now patch would have worked just as well. I appreciate your comments on the poem and understand your suggestions to explore more of my emotions regarding the situation, but i guess i just sort of wanted to leave it ambiguous, as the experience happened, without drawing any conclusions from it. Just sort of a picture of experience, how it happened, and what i did, and raising my glass, pretending i was fine, when i really wasn't. Although you may be right, I may not convey it as well as i could, it might be a bit flat. I'll see what i can do with it, thanks for the suggestions. |
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