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No more money
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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No more money |
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Quiet Lightning Member
since 1999-12-26
Posts 56 |
No more money The day that I got my check I cashed it and there it went I went to the mall all day shopping till I dropped I asked my boss for a raise she said stick to minimum wage I had another two weeks till I get paid I burned a hole in my pocket with no more money left I had to think twice about the five finger theft with no other choice in mind breaking the piggy bank to find nothing more than a few nickels and dimes down the stairs I ran looking for pop bottles and cans I found a bag of bottles sitting near the trash as my mom called me to get my allowance |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
you have the makings of a fine contemporary/beat-poet. I would hone this down (again) Get rid of the unnecessary language. *EXTREME PERSONAL OPINION-Ditch the rhyme* (i just felt the daggers of 50 rhymsters barking into my back-OUCH!) READ MORE POETRY-tell me what kind you want to write then read it all. Learn the classics like algebra, read the contempos, the cuttings on editors' floors-READ EVERYTHING!!! WRITE WRITE WRITE Emulate favorite authors styles. (I did not say copy their words...I said see how they use language and imagery to convey the message) You wanna write? READ-then write! My last harangue... Find different ways to say something, for instance, If you want to say your dog is ugly...say my dog is like black flies in the mouth (whatever) Show me..don't tell me. Sorry to be so direct...Take care...you really do have a poet in there... TA ~haze |
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Kevin Taylor Member
since 1999-12-23
Posts 185near Vancouver, BC, Canada |
Only things I'd say specifically about your poem is ditch the cutsy last line. It isn't a punch line and you gotta be good to take someones head off at the end. Look up the stuff by azzhu on the forum.. she does it. Haze does too sometimes but what I've seen is she does a one-two combo as last stanza. Another thing you can do as an exercise is to take your poem as it is written line by line and for each line write the opposite viewpoint. Write the anti-poem of your poem. Since you don't have any emotional baggage invested in this new vpt you can tweak to your hearts content. Then do the same thing with the new one. Compare the 1st and 3rd. Ditch one. < !signature--> Kevin [This message has been edited by kevintaylor (edited 01-11-2000).] |
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