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Critical Analysis #1
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October
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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October |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
This is another spoken word piece. I'll try to punctuate it perfectly so that it reads as intended. Also please forgive the length, I get a little long winded writing about those perfect muses. October 1 The sun caressed... 2 The sun and all its warmth and light caressed; 3 That naked cheek, that bit of soft flesh 4 Which joins ear, to face, to throat. 6 Desire...increased! 7 Increased in my fathomless depths. 8 To grasp at her somehow and make her understand, 9 "Free". 10 Freedom was what pressed. 11 Urged me onward to taste the underside of her 12 chin. 13 To indulge myself; 14 To bathe her in the realization, of why I loved 15 delapidation. 17 How I loved. 18 Loved those new unbeaten eyes. 19 And all their hope! 21 But these were my dreams long vanished; 22 Disappeared into a setting October sun. 23 Taking with it the sweet songs of the happy cats. 24 All that was left were the barking howling dogs. 25 And my soul alone; 26 So I sat alone. 27 Alone with crushed and druken senses, 28 Dying my own private death. 29 Sensualness is... to be awakened. 30 Awakened by wine flavored kisses from stranger 31 lips. 33 Sweet lips which don't know me or my poetry. 34 But when taught; 35 wouldn't care, 36 understand, 37 Be Amanda or her tenderness. 39 How I once held those attentions. 40 How I wish now for that tenderness. 41 Sweet talks as we smoked our cigarettes, in the 42 bliss of discovering a new kindred spirit. 44 October kills spirits. 45 Kindred or otherwise; 46 October is when all that is dead arises in 47 unrest, 48 And jealously haunt the living. 49 When we must mend our costumes of death. 50 In order to keep the ghosts we've wronged away, 51 And allow ourselves into the raped fields to 52 loosen. II. 53 Does anyone have to move? 54 Move toward her, where she is? 55 If so I should go... 56 But I'll be sullen and withdrawn. 57 I'll only sound my, 58 "Caw, caw, caw; 59 Like the crow after the harvest. 60 Searching for the food left by the gleaners. 61 Those which gather what is left by the reapers. 62 And leave the rest to those who will have it. 64 I'll have it 65 I'll store it away 66 So the black birds can become as withered as my 67 spirit. III. 68 I'll force myself on the world. 79 Make them drunk on the brilliance tricklig over 70 my lips. 71 They'll all clamber to the edges of seats, 72 To hear my quiet songs. 74 I'll create a new house, 75 Bathe all that enter, 76 In my sadness. 77 Wash everyone with the end which October brings. 78 To a screeching halt. 79 On the tracks, 80 Running furiously across land, 81 And bleake minds. 82 October ends it all. I went ahead and numbered the lines to make criticism a little easier. I promise to post my own critique in a day or two. Hope you enjoyed. J.L.H. < !signature--> Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg [This message has been edited by J.L. Humphres (edited 01-10-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Jason L. Humphres - All Rights Reserved | |||
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
What a movement! You have moments (strong moments) of perfection here. What would I do? Get rid of those damn numbers!!! I am also fond of tight verse...I'd get rid of some unnecessary language: "1 The sun caressed... 2 The sun and all its warmth and light caressed 3 That naked cheek, bit of soft flesh 4 Which joins ear, to face, to throat. 6 Desire...increased! 7 Increased in fathomless depths. 8 To grasp at her somehow and make her understand, 9 "Free". 10 Freedom was what pressed. 11 Urged me onward to taste the underside of her 12 chin. 13 To indulge myself; 14 To bathe her in realization, of why I loved 15 delapidation. 17 How I loved. 18 Loved those new unbeaten eyes. 19 And all their hope! 21 But these were dreams long vanished; 22 Disappeared into a setting October sun. 23 Taking with it the sweet songs of the happy cats. 24 All that was left were barking howling dogs. 25 And my soul alone; 26 So I sat alone. 27 Alone with crushed and drunken senses, 28 Dying my own private death. 29 Sensualness is... to be awakened. 30 Awakened by wine flavored kisses from stranger 31 lips. 33 Sweet lips which don't know me or my poetry. 34 But when taught; 35 wouldn't care, 36 understand, 37 Be Amanda or her tenderness. 39 How I once held those attentions. 40 How I wish now for that tenderness. 41 Sweet talks as we smoked our cigarettes, in the 42 bliss of discovering a new kindred spirit. 44 October kills spirits. 45 Kindred or otherwise; 46 October is when all that is dead arises in 47 unrest, 48 And jealously haunt the living. 49 When we must mend our costumes of death. 50 In order to keep the ghosts we've wronged away, 51 And allow ourselves into the raped fields to 52 loosen. II. 53 Does anyone have to move? 54 Move toward her, where she is? 55 If so I should go... 56 Sullen and withdrawn. 57 I'll only sound my, 58 "Caw, caw, caw; 59 Like the crow after the harvest. 60 Searching for the food left by gleaners. 61 Those who gather what is left by reapers. 62 Leaving the rest to those who will have it. 64 I'll have it 65 I'll store it away 66 So the black birds can become as withered as my 67 spirit. III. 68 I'll force myself on the world. 79 Make them drunk on the brilliance tricklig over 70 my lips. 71 They'll all clamber to the edges of seats, 72 To hear my quiet songs. 74 I'll create a new house, 75 Bathe all that enter, 76 In my sadness. 77 Wash everyone with the end which October brings. 78 To a screeching halt. 79 On tracks, 80 Running furiously across land, 81 bleak minds. 82 October ends it all." As you can see, I don't think there is much waste here. I love the reverb of words used to hone in on the emotion of the moment, the drilling of death...The end, a powerful synosis...you have a fine work here (particularly Stanza II). KUDOS |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
JL... I don't have time to get specific right now(but I'll be back). Just know that I loved this one...lose the numbers  and you've got a helluva' good poem!Hawk |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i seriously thought that this poem would end on line 31, and it could have. it's still a great poem, but it could have been great poems. lots of great imagery here. the pain was tangible. |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Hawk, The numbers are there for reference only, they are not part of the poem. Thanks for the compliments. J.L.H. roxanne, You're right,really, it could be several smaller poems. I've thought about using the idea for the basis of a short story. That's how big the idea actually is when I read it. It loses a lot when actually read for the first time on screen. However, thanks for the encouraging words. J.L.H. Haze, Thank you for the advice I agree about changing the format a bit. It just doesn't come off like it should. The poem was written while I was pretty wasted. It's plot, is a little deeper than it comes across. Thank for the compliments and I believe I may try to rework the format, some changes I think may help carify the idea some. J.L.H. The poem is more or less a story I made up to express an idea that was coming out trite. When I went back and read over the lines the next day a pattern developed and after several revisions I ended up with a spoken word piece. In the poem the narrator is at a fall harvest party in some lovely village filled with expatriate artists somewhere.There he sees his muse (Amanda was my muse at the time; so here the poem starts getting into,what at the time were some intense emotions.) In the third stanza,the scene progresses to later in the evening.Amanda has moved on."Happy cats" is used figuratively,in reference to the other attendants. The party is growing wilder; the narrator falls asleep, only to be awakened by another woman. The last three stanzas are where the background is laid out.The setting of the poem is in the last few lines,and one becomes familiar of the relationship between artist and muse. Part II. is early morning when the main party is breaking off into smaller parties and everyone is winding down.The narrator is being indifferent. In part III. the narrator is performing drawing on his pain and pouring it in to performance.This is my favorite part of the piece.Also the last lines of this indicate he is leaving soon. Perhaps this helps with understanding the poem a little better.Tell me how I can bring the plot out a little better.Thanks for the replies. J.L.H. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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Kenneth Ray Taylor Member
since 1999-11-11
Posts 139Duluth, Minnesota, USA |
Your poem reminds me of the Song of Solomon, only darker, since it's about love lost, rather than love realized. Both poems I find hard to understand in detail, but easy to follow in mood. Your choice of line breaks at times mystifies me. So does the fact that most of the lines begin with capital letters but others do not. I know most poems usually begin each line with a capital letter, but I myself use standard capitalization throughout my poems (unless I have a specific reason for deviating from this), since I find that standard capitalization makes a poem much easier to read. 8 To grasp at her somehow and make her understand, 9 "Free". (What does it mean to "understand 'Free'"? Also the period should be inside the quote. 11 Urged me onward to taste the underside of her 12 chin. (I liked this thought. The tongue is so important in love-making!) 15 delapidation. (Dilapidation misspelled.) 23 Taking with it the sweet songs of the happy cats. 24 All that was left were barking howling dogs. (Happy cats, howling dogs…expressive contrast.) 25 And my soul alone; (I would use standard punctuation throughout the poem. I'd also put a period here to set apart line 26, to give the line a feeling of being alone. I think I'd even make line 26 into a stanza, all by itself.) 26 So I sat alone. 33 Sweet lips which don't know me or my poetry. (I'd change the word "poetry" to "craft," so as to allow non-poets the ability to identify with the poem.) 49 When we must mend our costumes of death. 50 In order to keep the ghosts we've wronged away, (Beautiful and poetic understanding of Halloween! Best lines of the poem. They make the very season sympathize with your plight!) 51 And allow ourselves into the raped fields to 52 loosen. (I didn't understand this line at all.) 58 "Caw, caw, caw; (Should be "Caw, caw, caw,".) 60 Searching for the food left by gleaners. 61 Those who gather what is left by reapers. 62 Leaving the rest to those who will have it. (Good use of Biblical reference to express futility.) 79 Make them drunk on the brilliance tricklig over ("Trickling" misspelled.) A brilliant poem over all. |
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