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Never Again
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Never Again |
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Derwood New Member
since 2000-01-09
Posts 2 |
This Poem is about a recent breakup I had, I was dumped for her ex-boyfriend, and then it was rubbed in my face.....Go figure You made me happy when you said a single word, Yes. You broke my heart when you said a single sentence, Lets just be friends. But I opened back up to you let you back in, welcomed you back in. And yet you broke my heart again sitting on HIS lap in my presence, calling HIM just a friend So I closed my heart off, didn't let anyone in. I want to try to trust you but my heart tells me "Never Again" I try to reason with it, try to get it to understand. But it wont let even me in A thick cut it bares within. I finally get it to let me pass and then I see you with HIM again Pinned against a locker, his tongue probing within. I shirivle, I cringe, I run away, knowing within, That my herat is torn, Never to fly again Derwood |
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| © Copyright 2000 Derwood - All Rights Reserved | |||
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
derwood, let me start by saying this poem has the chance to be a good poem. it just needs to be polished. a little too much of it is just telling what happened, not showing, not describing emotions, you understand? to me, that is what makes a poem a poem. A thick cut it bares within. i don't think that "thick" is the adjective you were going for here. Pinned against a locker, his tongue probing within. too graphic for the rest of this poem. you don't come close to this much description the rest of the poem. That my herat is torn, Never to fly again please, please, please, don't use the verb "fly" to describe a broken heart's actions!!! it's cliche. first of all, consider the fact that your heart wasn't literally flying in the first place, so you're going to have to modify that with a simlie or metaphor. "my heart, a caged bird, never to fly again" as long as you have to create the metaphor, why not go for something more original? "my heart torn to lifeless pulp, that is numb to all affections" still not too good. why don't you try something new for this part? come up with it. the end of a poem is very important. good luck. |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
Derwood.. I would agree with Roxane that this good poem could be great...however, there is pain here..and sometimes(believe me,I know)it just feels really good to get it down on paper...no matter what comes out in the end. I think the "probing tounge" line is too graphic as Roxane mentioned, and I'm not sure if making the "him" and "his" stand out really adds any poetic effect. Overall, I can sympathize with the content, so you get thumbs up from me.  I'm looking forward to more post.Hawk |
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Quiet Lightning Member
since 1999-12-26
Posts 56 |
I feel what your saying but you should open your heart up to someone else.There's a lover out there especially for you |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I like the tongue probing bit. I thought it was kind of a desensitizing manuever from the speaker. However, the biggest problem I see here (probably because you're too close to the actual events) is that you never show us the woman, never explore your own attraction to this person, never give us a reason, a hint, of why you should feel this way or why she should do what she did. What's her deal? If you don't have any ideas, think about it. Also, try to show yourself in some way that gives us an idea that maybe somehow you were more than a passive victim -- it'll make the poem come alive more. And, yes, I see poems, in a certain sense, as living things. Just an opinion, Brad |
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