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Critical Analysis #1
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Is This Seat Taken?
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Is This Seat Taken? |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Written on a bus ride to New Orleans to visit some friends. A little fantasy I occupied my mind with, concerning the girl a few seats in front of me. The warm night sky bled dawn, And covered itself from the floor up. There in blue light, dreams covered us; Like summer's rains recently retreated. Knowing more than could ever be said, Soul was at ease with soul. Unions were made and lives were lived, In seconds of whispers from lover's lips, To lover's ear. < !signature--> Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg [This message has been edited by J.L. Humphres (edited 01-09-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Jason L. Humphres - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kenneth Ray Taylor Member
since 1999-11-11
Posts 139Duluth, Minnesota, USA |
I like the atmosphere your poem creates, but I found its details hard to understand. In particular, in the first line I wasn't sure whether "bled" was a verb or an adjective, and in line three I wasn't sure whether "light" was a noun (blue light) or an adjective (light dreams). I found this ambiguity distracting. The final four lines of your poem are simply beautiful. Dreams of love are usually more exciting than the real thing, except for the one tragic fact--that they aren't real. Also, I think your poem deserves a more worthy title. |
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
I liked it, Jason. Nice feel. Agree with Ken about the title, tho' I found no ambiguity in either the verb "bled", or the "blue light" that's pretty standard on overnight coaches, even Downunder. Thanks. It's never too late to have a happy childhood ... |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
well, jason, (may i call you jason?) i really liked this poem. i've written a similar one about a man on an airplane. it's so great that a stranger can inspire such poetry in you. it's really great. the last two lines are simply wonderful. good work. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I like the beginning of this poem -- especially the first line; it may be a little hard to read but I found that the image immediately blossomed for me. However, I think you spend a little too much time on explaining the feeling. How about completing the image with the image of your eyes meeting, the sharing of a smile, or (those are a little overdone) something else that shows there's a connection between the two of you. I think the image itself would complement the beginning and complete the feeling. Just an opinion, Brad |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Fellow Penpersons, Okay, you all caught me trying to slip an unfinished work into the mix. I agree with Kenneth and John about the title. (any ideas?) Some of the questions concerning the ambiguity of some lines I think can be cleared up with some punctuation. I actually finished this poem that day on the bus, but the second half was rather trite and cliched. Maybe someone has an idea as to where to go with this one. By the by, roxanne you may certainly call me Jason.  Thanks for the response; I found good advice as usual. Forgive the halfling. J.L.H.  |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Fellow Penpersons, Okay, you all caught me trying to slip an unfinished work into the mix. I agree with Kenneth and John about the title. (any ideas?) Some of the questions concerning the ambiguity of some lines I think can be cleared up with some punctuation. I actually finished this poem that day on the bus, but the second half was rather trite and cliched. Maybe someone has an idea as to where to go with this one. By the by, roxanne you may certainly call me Jason. Thanks for the response; I found good advice as usual. Forgive the halfling. J.L.H. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
It made me feel like I was there. I'm not sure I agree with expanding or explaining further. Somehow it seems that would take away the some of the spontaneous magic of the fantasy. I do have to agree that it deserves a better title though. Although the current one fits the content, it just doesn't seem right. Just one humble opinion, of course. Thanks.< !signature--> Pete [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 01-10-2000).] |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Jason, I know this is not a very recent post, but I stumbled upon it as I was reading some of the past poems and wanted to reply to it, even though you may have worked on the poem since. I really liked it, especially the emotion and the choice of words, except for "Like summer's rains recently retreated". That one seemed wierd for some reason. Maybe because it flows so differently than the rest. Just my opinion. Anyway, I could totally picture the scene and I wasn't confused at all by the "blue light" and "bled". As to how to improve or add to it, I've got one thought. Is there a way to bring in the fact that all of this is only in your mind and contrast the imagined scene to what actually happened? Or maybe you did feel connection to this person, even if you didn't interact with her at all? Might you want to bring either of these things out? I don't really have a suggestion about the title, other than to say that people usually don't ask if bus seat are taken. This seems more common in restaurants or other public places. But I do think that going with a simple title would still be a good idea. Ashley |
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