addiction's power - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

adam
Junior Member

since 1999-12-28

Posts 10
BFE

0 posted 2000-01-08 09:08 AM

Many moons have lived and died.
Since my imagination played.

Back to a time I had a soul,a
thief slowly carried away.

If only life were perfect,if my
soul were only free.

Where lived no demon named addiction,his sharp teth peircing
me.

A wrath I wouldn't wish on a single creature,after suffering
a ruthless attack.

Somtimes even an army of your loved ones,fail to pull it from your back.

It blinds me to all but
temptation.Carful never to let me see.

As it slowly steals a life I love,and all that matters to me.

Cast out because of my weakness.
Treated like a demon to.

In the dark shadow of your
judgement I warn,I'm just a
diversion for you.

Many demon live among us.They
lay in wait,before taking form.

Carefully tasting your sin hoping
it will ripen.From the day that
we are born.

Should you fall prey a I have,
from a loss came my weakest hour.

Then pray to your god,your demon
should lack, the stength
of"ADDICTION'S POWER".

by Adam Clarke Roberts

< !signature-->

[This message has been edited by adam (edited 01-08-2000).]

John Foulstone
Member

since 2000-01-01

Posts 100
Australia

1 posted 2000-01-09 07:55 AM

Adam, I really liked your two opening lines, and your message in general. I found the layout distracting, adding nothing to the strenght of the poem. Simple left-aligned quatrains might have been preferable. Quite a few typos to correct - start with "teth" in line 7. I wish you success with your demons, and mastering tecnique.

It's never too late to have a happy childhood ...

roxane
Senior Member

since 1999-09-02

Posts 505
us

2 posted 2000-01-09 08:05 PM

this poem has some good lines in it, and some places where it could be improved.

Somtimes even an army of your loved ones,fail to pull it from your back.

i don't really understand this part about pulling it from your back.  i thought you meant to say, pulling you back.  also, i think that the phrase "loved ones" is a little too simple to accompany army.

In the dark shadow of your
judgement I warn,I'm just a
diversion for you.

to me, this is the point in the poem where you shift from, "addiction is horrible and i need help" to "who are you to judge me?"  personally i don't think it works here.  try to pick a focus and stick to it.

Should you fall prey a I have,
from a loss came my weakest hour.

this part is worded badly.  it's difficult to figure out what it is saying.

anyways, good luck with this.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.