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Guidance
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Guidance |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
(I was in a very simple mood when I wrote, a little inebriated actually...forgive the Nusery Rhyme style) Let me hold your hands a while, see your eyes and taste your smile. Let me hear your hearts embrace, touch the salt that paints your face. Look to me for guiding lights, hold me close on bitter nights. Look to me for simple words, I'll let you know that you've been heard. Mighty winds that bring a change, and ever we stand strong, modern days may find us strange, eternity, my dear, is not too long. On the stage I play the leading role, the spotlight burns my eyes, you rescue the actor with your soul, an honest face in a world that lies. In your faith I make my way, chaos fades with the fear I lose, how you came I cannot say, not my lover, but forever my Muse. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Ryan Whittington - All Rights Reserved | |||
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Hawk, I really enjoy the poem's content;however, the change in rhyme scheme seems to distract from the rhythym a bit. Other than that great one. J.L.H. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
Thanks for the compliment JL...although I myself have to smile at this one.  Sometimes I have to abandoned my heavy heart and write for the child inside me...it helps me to see myself. As for the change in the rhyme scheme...that's just the way it came onto the screen. Oh well...they'll be other more worthy of editing. |
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Midnight Junior Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 28 |
Hawk, I loved the poem's content, and the simple style only accentuated it. The rhyme is fine- however, your rhythm is off. You start out with even 7-syllable lines that flow very well, but as the poem progresses, your rhythm gets more uneven. I'll do a restructuring- I hope you don't mind. Let me hold your hands a while, see your eyes and taste your smile. Let me hear our hearts embrace, touch the salt that paints your face. Look to me for guiding lights, hold me close on bitter nights. Look to me for simple words, I'll show you that you've been heard. Mighty winds that bring a change, and forever we stand strong, modern days may find us strange, eternity is not too long. On stage I play the lead role, the spotlight burns in my eyes, you rescue me with your soul, an honest face in the lies. In your faith I make my way, chaos fades with fear I lose, how you became I can't say, not my lover, but my Muse. There it is, take it or leave it. BTW, I really did love the ending, it was a great way to wind the poem down. |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
Midnight.... I thank you very much for this re-write...I will definately take it. I am usually not so quick to take the obvious...but you have done wonders with this work...at present, I can not find the time to edit the poem...so I I will comment to everyone that what you wrote is in fact how I think the poem should be... Thanks again and I'm glad the content was enjoyableI hope this doesn't completely rule me out as the author...  Hawk |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i don't particularly care for the rhyme scheme, but for an inebriated poem, it's pretty good. you should see what i write when in that state, if it's even readable, it's terrible. it's not such a bad poem though. it has a lot of feelings in it |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I didn't like it. Now, I've attempted poems when inebriated and this is ten times better than anything I've ever written (a quick example: I once wrote a poem that celebrated the UN and sounded more like 'We are the World'. When I woke up in the morning, I read it again and it made me sick -- well okay I wasn't a little inebriated). This one's too general for my taste, attempting too much to be 'nice'. That, combined with sing songey rhyme scheme, just doesn't click for me. A few other points: -eternity is a rather long time -holding hands is an image I've used a lot in love poetry and so has everybody else -guiding lights reminds me of the soap opera -Mighty winds that bring a change reminds me of the Scorpions -On the stage, I played a leading role reminds me of Hamlet but with no development just sort of leaves you hanging. -you rescue the actor with your soul is intriguing but at the moment is vague and uninteresting and I don't like the word 'soul' in poetry (along with those hearts and rose) -my dear as a direct address is also overused. I know because I used to use stuff like that all the time. Someone told me it was overused. Okay, I'll stop there. I'm certainly looking forward to reading more of your work. I liked 'cravings' but hope that you stay off the sauce when your writing. But staying off the sauce is really not something I can say to anybody. The ogre returns, Brad |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
Thanks Brad...to be honest I don't like it either...but sometimes it takes a really bad one to find the inspiration for a good one. I really appreciate your honesty and disection of the individual cliches...this gives me something to think about. Thanks again. Hawk P.S. After the hangover...I think the "sauce" is the last thing I want. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Hawk, Sorry about the 'Cravings confusion'. When I wrote the above I honestly thought you wrote that but as soon as I posted it, I discovered my mistake. I tried to edit it but you got here first. It's always a little tricky with negative criticism; I don't think anyone here really wants to hurt anybody's feelings but I for one have gained from this process. Besides, once you can take it, I think you can begin to see what you want to write, what you want to say and, perhaps, develop a stronger confidence in your own writing and. even more important, your own judgement. Thanks, Brad |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Brad, You ended a sentence with "and"; shame, shame. J.L.H.  Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Horror of horrors, I can't believe I ended a sentence with 'and'. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Bradley, warmhrt here, author of "cravings" ... are you implying that you thought the person who wrote it was drunk, and that you liked it for a poem written by a drunken person? The only thing I was drunk on was hearts, roses, and holding hands with my soul-mate while riding the winds of change toward the guiding light, my dear.  [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 01-10-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hawk: No much I can add here except that I, more or less, agree with Brad's comments. I too have been guilty of WWI (Writing While Intoxicated) and more often than not my beer goggles made my writing look much prettier than it really is. Somehow, I understand, Poe was able to pull it off but I have a long, long, long, long (get my point?) journey ahead before I am anywhere near as capable as Poe. I have found it much easier to write about being drunk while I'm sober, lol. But negative criticism is a good thing. We've all had our share. It's actually refreshing knowing that people are being honest with you about what they like and don't like. It makes us better writers and keeps us from repeating mistakes. Anyway, take care. Keep posting. WH: You better watch your step, lady. Brad[ley] might cash in his frequent flyer miles and wack you over the head with his professor's pointer! Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I make one little mistake (okay, I make a lot) and the 'Bradley' virus rears its ugly head again. How indeed do I made ammends? Jim, I don't know about that last comment. I'm already starting to feel a little intimidated by WH. Maybe I should start taking assertive classes or something. So, what kind of beer do you like? Brad |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Brad (pardons, Hawk): Maybe you should start a "Be more assertive" support group in Passions. Maybe not. Beer? My second favorite subject (next to versification techique, of course). Killians is good. I prefer darker beers. Porters and stouts. Yuengling is a Pennsylvanian micro-brewery that makes a good lager and porter. If you ever find your way to Lancaster, PA I'll buy you a couple. Hell, I'll buy you a bunch of them and then I'll even pay for the cab! Two drunk men talking about poetry in a bar. What a site that would be! Later. P.S. About WH, maybe we ought to consider an alliance to deal with our fiesty female friend. < !signature-->Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 01-10-2000).] |
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